Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away...
or is it just one of Granny's myths?
"Shit, I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow."
"Just cancel it. Tell them you're sick."
I work at 'The Ministry of Silly Walks'.
But when I'm there, I have to call it the 'Spinal Injuries Unit'.
My wife had been suffering from crippling stomach pains for a couple of days, so I advised her to go to the doctor's.
When she returned and told me she was HIV positive I was absolutely devastated.
I had a brilliant cancer joke lined up.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I'm a teacher but I always wear a stethoscope.
That way, in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I went to the doctor and said, "I'm having trouble 'satisfying' my wife."
He said, "You should try what I do."
I said, "What's that?"
He said, "Earn £100k a year."
"I've got good news and bad news," the doctor told me.
"Allright, I'll have the bad news first then," I replied.
"You have terminal cancer."
"What's the good news?"
"The good news is for the other patient."
I phoned my boss and told him I was sick.
"I'll see you here at nine," he said, and hung up.
I fucking hate working for a doctor.
My doctor told me I should watch what I eat.
So I've booked tickets for the Grand National in April.