I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine.
Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?
I am a doctor in a busy maternity unit. Today a postman rushed his wife in with multiple puncture wounds to the lung and stomach which had served to induce a premature labour.
She had fallen on her cucumber frames whilst gardening and the lacerations were causing rapid and massive blood loss. The postman was understandably distraught and tears were running down his face as he begged me to save her.
I lay the patient on a bed so she would be more comfortable, and I stood next to the weeping postman for five minutes doing nothing as his wife haemorrhaged violently. He was shaking me, pleading with me to do something.
Just as she coughed her last blood filled breath and died in front of her helpless husband I turned to him and said "Sorry, I couldn't deliver your baby sir - I was on strike."
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."
Scientists in Sweden have announced that they have found the longest hair on the human body, it runs from your arse to your eyelash.
Oh come on! It doesn't take a bloody scientist to figure that out, everyone knows that if you pull a hair out of your arse, it makes your fuckin' eyes water.