Medical Jokes

I am a doctor in a busy maternity unit. Today a postman rushed his wife in with multiple puncture wounds to the lung and stomach which had served to induce a premature labour.

She had fallen on her cucumber frames whilst gardening and the lacerations were causing rapid and massive blood loss. The postman was understandably distraught and tears were running down his face as he begged me to save her.

I lay the patient on a bed so she would be more comfortable, and I stood next to the weeping postman for five minutes doing nothing as his wife haemorrhaged violently. He was shaking me, pleading with me to do something.

Just as she coughed her last blood filled breath and died in front of her helpless husband I turned to him and said "Sorry, I couldn't deliver your baby sir - I was on strike."

Served the cunt right.
A Blonde's Dictionary Of Medical Terms: -

Artery: Study of paintings

Bacteria: Back door to a cafeteria

Barium: What to do when treatment fails

Bowel: A letter A E I O or U

Cardiology: Advanced study of poker

Cat Scan: Searching for ones lost kitty

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

Coma: Punctuation mark

D & C: Where Washington is

Dilate: To live long

Enema: Not a friend

Fester: Quicker

Genes: Blue denim slacks

Hormones: What a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid

Inpatient: Tired of waiting

Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane

Minor Operation: Coal digging

Morbid: A higher bid

Paralyze: Two far-fetched stories

Post-Operative: Letter carrier

Protein: In favor of young people

Rectum: What happened to the car's

Saline: Where you go on your boyfriend's boat

Secretion: Hiding something

Tablet: A small table

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport

Tibia: country in North Africa

Tumor: An extra pair

Urine: Opposite of You're Out

Varicose: Nearby
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."
A man goes to the doctors. "I think I'm a Tyrannosaurus Rex" he says.

"Hmm," says the Doc. "Open wide and say 'Ahh', please."

The man opens his mouth as wide as he can and says "Raaaaar!"

"Good, good. Now stand and touch your toes." says the Doc.

"Are you taking the piss?" says the man. "With these arms?"
Scientists in Sweden have announced that they have found the longest hair on the human body, it runs from your arse to your eyelash.
Oh come on! It doesn't take a bloody scientist to figure that out, everyone knows that if you pull a hair out of your arse, it makes your fuckin' eyes water.