A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."
Your mum's so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was ending.
I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties.
My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: She bought me some Viagra;
And I've bought her a treadmill.
After queueing up for almost half an hour in the chemist last week, I finally got to the counter and the woman looked at me and said, "I'm really sorry about your wait."
In a rattled state, I replied, "You're not so fucking skinny yourself, actually."
I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night.
"You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said.
"Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye.
"Salad tastes nice."
I find all these obese jokes horrible.
Don't you think they have enough on their plate?
Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk but McDonald's continue serving the fat fuckers? It's hardly fair.
I saw a fat bird down the pub, her T-shirt said - Watch out, I'm a maneater!
I went up to her and said, "Excuse me, love... about your t-shirt slogan."
She stopped me and angrily said, "Oh, let me guess: you want to know how many men I've eaten?! Well, I can't help my size, you know!"
I said, "Actually, no, I wasn't going to say that at all."
She looked happier and smiled as she said, "Oh yes, what did you want to say then?"
"That's not how you spell Manatee."
I met a popstar in a nightclub last night and we ended up getting really drunk and going back to my place.
She was all over me in the taxi, stroking and caressing my body and whispering filth into my ear,
but as soon as she got through the front door she stiffened up and her attitude changed completely.
"What the fuck is that pathetic little thing?" she demanded. "How the hell do you think that you're going to satisfy me with that?"
"I'm sorry, Adele," I replied, "it's the biggest fridge I could afford."
There was a local family, whose daughter was frankly very overweight and unattractive. I remember one day her mum came into school and spoke during assembly, explaining that her daughter could no longer stand the bullying and had hanged herself the night before.
The whole school was in shocked silence, then one lad shouted out, "fucking hell, it must have been a strong rope." 388