What do you get if you inject antifreeze into oranges?
Sacked from Asda.
I was arguing with some bloke in the pub and he squared up to me. I said, "You better watch yourself pal, when I was in the Army I killed men."
My wife said, "But you were in the Catering Corps."
I replied, "Yeah, but I'm not a very good cook."
Being in love can give you shortness of breath, palpitations, and the inability to concentrate.
Exactly the same symptoms as carbon monoxide poisoning.
I asked for a glass of water at a restaurant last night and woke up with a bloody anus
I was starting to think I had been date raped but then I remembered I was on holiday in India.
As the snake sunk its fangs into my hand, I screamed to the safari guide, "please say its been de-venomed!"
"Of course it has!" He said.
"How can you be sure?" I asked in a panic.
"Because its just injected it all into your hand," he replied.
Finally managed to persuade my wife to try some homemade sushi.
"I've always been a bit wary of it," she said. "Just doesn't seem right, eating raw food, but this is delicious!"
"Here, have some more," I replied, offering her the plate.
"Thanks," she said. "And who'd have thought you could use chicken and pork as well as fish?"
Do not leave your dog in a car on a hot day. 30ºC outside is 50ºC inside. Dogs need to be cooked at 180ºC or you'll get food poisoning.
Four-leaf clovers are lucky.
Except the ones you find in Chernobyl.
With eight kids I don't know if I can afford Christmas this year.
So I'm fitting a dodgy boiler and crossing my fingers.
News: 'Man Dies After Drinking Weedkiller'
Well, he was obviously a weed.