What do you get if you inject antifreeze into oranges?
Sacked from Asda.
I was arguing with some bloke in the pub and he squared up to me. I said, "You better watch yourself pal, when I was in the Army I killed men."
My wife said, "But you were in the Catering Corps."
I replied, "Yeah, but I'm not a very good cook."
My wife is a psychopathic homoeopath.
She's been trying to poison me for the last 20 years.
Shopping in B&Q today I opened a bottle of cleaning fluid, took a sniff and recoiled at the smell. A passing assistant saw me..
"You should try this one perhaps?" He smarmed, indicating towards a more expensive brand. "it's completely odourless."
"Brilliant, that's just what I'm after." I said, "Question is, will she be able to taste it?"
Being in love can give you shortness of breath, palpitations, and the inability to concentrate.
Exactly the same symptoms as carbon monoxide poisoning.
I asked for a glass of water at a restaurant last night and woke up with a bloody anus
I was starting to think I had been date raped but then I remembered I was on holiday in India.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It's amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
As the snake sunk its fangs into my hand, I screamed to the safari guide, "please say its been de-venomed!"
"Of course it has!" He said.
"How can you be sure?" I asked in a panic.
"Because its just injected it all into your hand," he replied.
Finally managed to persuade my wife to try some homemade sushi.
"I've always been a bit wary of it," she said. "Just doesn't seem right, eating raw food, but this is delicious!"
"Here, have some more," I replied, offering her the plate.
"Thanks," she said. "And who'd have thought you could use chicken and pork as well as fish?"
Do not leave your dog in a car on a hot day. 30ºC outside is 50ºC inside. Dogs need to be cooked at 180ºC or you'll get food poisoning.