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I stormed into the police station to accuse my wife's brother of abusing our 5 year old daughter.
"Calm down sir," the officer said. "What did your daughter say to you?"
"She said Uncle Tony's willy hurt more than mine did."

There was a long silence. "Sir... You really haven't thought this complaint through, have you."
My job interview didn't go too well last week.

'WE ARE LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY WHO WOULD LIKE TO BE PART OF A TEAM'

I painted myself black, wore loads of jewellery, got my hair cut into a Mohawk and I still didn't get it.
I stole a phone today. As I was running away it rang, I looked at it and 'Dad' was the caller ID.

That bastard always seems to know when I am up to no good.
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Random 5!

A few years ago I phoned Childline.
"Have you suffered child abuse?" the woman asked.
"Yes," I said, "many times."
The woman then asked, "how were you abused, my love?"
I replied, "every time I try to touch my seven year old niece, she spits at me and kicks me in the bollocks."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I took my son to school for the first time today and I was amazed at the number of mums turning up in four-by-fours. I thought to myself, "They will never use those for off-roading."

Then I saw them trying to park.
The conductor of my wife's lie detector test revealed that my wife had been unfaithful.

"How reliable are these results?" I asked him.

"Very," he replied. "She sucked me off in the car park earlier."
UK Headline:

Black man nearly drowns in local river.

US Headline:

Black man caught stealing water. Shot 4 times.
I was lying on the sofa watching the football when my wife knelt beside me, unzipped my jeans, and took my cock in her mouth.

Anyway, one thing led to another ... and it went into extra time and we won on penalties.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.
Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.
My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.

Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"

I said, "Because we're still in Manchester."
During a job interview yesterday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly.

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.

I replied simply, "No, I always give 110%"
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Newest Jokes Today

The situation with all these desperate African immigrants fleeing persecution is getting a bit ridiculous now.

I've just got back from Calais to find a family of lions from Hwange National Park hiding in my boot.
First the Breakfast Show, then Top Gear, now an aviation - related death.

Chris Evans must want to be Noel Edmonds so frickin badly!.
When asked what she thought of leading out Chelsea in the womens footy final at Wembley today Chelsea captain Katie Chapman said she was "made up" - and I've also had me hair done and bought a pretty bag to match me football shoes
You know you're poor when you get woken up by some burglar breaking in,and you just smile,roll over and go back to sleep.
My job interview didn't go too well last week.

'WE ARE LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY WHO WOULD LIKE TO BE PART OF A TEAM'

I painted myself black, wore loads of jewellery, got my hair cut into a Mohawk and I still didn't get it.
I stole a phone today. As I was running away it rang, I looked at it and 'Dad' was the caller ID.

That bastard always seems to know when I am up to no good.
In an attempt to discourage shoplifting, M & S are piloting a scheme where a bog-standard white shirt for work doesn't cost me £20.
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