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I thought the man who was sat next to me on the tube might have been a terrorist. But then I remembered that terrorists were incredibly organised individuals who plan their attacks down to the finest detail.

"He can't have been, then", I thought. "The stupid fucker's got off and forgotten his back pack".
My girlfriend stripped off and had just started to go down on me when she suddenly recoiled..

"Ugh, fucking hell, that's disgusting." She said. "What's that foul taste?"

"I don't know what you mean." I replied. "I've just had a shower."

"Yeah, that'll be it." She said, pulling her burka back on. "Soap."
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Random 5!

A couple of Chinese guys were selling watches on a stall in the market, so I asked my wife if she wanted one.

"I don't know," she said. "They look like they fell off the back of a lorry."

"I know," I said, "But their watches look pretty good."
My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, rocks about 2" diameter, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks and pebbles.

"Now," said my wife, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your wife who loves you, your health, your children - anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed. The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. Your X-box, football, the pub, porn. If you put the sand or the pebbles first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life.

If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important."

I was dumbfounded.
Where was she going to get more mayonnaise from for my sandwich?
I flew TransAtlantic last month. I couldn't believe it when I saw my old mate Jack on the same flight.
I shouted out "Hi Jack!"
And six Yanks shat themselves.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

Girls, instead of changing your Facebook profile photo into a rainbow in support of gay marriage being legalised in America, a much better way to show your support would be if you just changed your photo to one of you and your best mate getting naked and rubbing oil on each other.
A man has been forced to stop selling toilet rolls, with images of The Prophet Mohammed on them, on eBay.

Because he's sold out.
As my wife and I were leaving for a night out the babysitter told us to take as long as we like.

That was five years ago.

I hope she's enjoying being a parent.
Apparently the government is considering paying extra benefits to single gay men who are looking for a partner.

It will be called 'Knob seekers allowance'
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Dylann Roof is now being questioned by Police after shooting 9 black people dead in one day.

Charleston police chief Gregory Mullen said,

"He went a little overboard with this unique style of job application, but we'd still like to take him on."
Tesco have come under fire for having smoky bacon Pringles as part of a Ramadan promotion.

They have now apologised and offered free female genital mutilation vouchers to anyone who may have been offended.
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Newest Jokes Today

Nick Kyrgios throws tantrum on court during match in Wimbledon.

Typical Greek, as soon as things don't go your way, you start throwing your toys out of the cot.
My mum told me I needed to start using bigger words.

So I spray painted a massive 'CUNT' on the side of her car.
"Where are all the new kittens?" asked my wife.

"You're back early," I replied evasively.

"...and I don't know why you've put just one pillow in the wash," she frowned. "But it's making the machine squeak like hell."
Five year old: mum whats tonnes of lighters?

Mum: tonnes of lighters?

Five year old: yeah my teacher was coughing everywhere and said she might have tonnes of lighters.

Ahh kids, deep down theyre all a bit autistic
A young boy on holiday with his mum in Scotland asks ' why is that man wearing a skirt' The mum replies, it's called a kilt and the fur purse dangling at the front is a sporran.
Oh says the boy, when you go to bingo Dad wears your kilts and rubs his sporran.
Today is Tom Cruise's birthday! He was born in 1962, so that makes him...let's see...oh, yeah.. FUCKING NUTS
North Korea have stormed home to victory at the FIFA Women's World Cup, with Kim Jong-Un making several goal-line clearances and scoring all three goals.
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