Hottest Today
(10 of 1156)
Just went past a shop up town that said 'All Prices Slashed'
God, I hope Katie goes in there.
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If you're repeating a gag from a comedian - always credit it. It's only fair.
Seen a gag written by a comedian that's uncredited?
Help the community - edit it and credit it. You will now gain bonus points.
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I've entered the Hague too.
Mind you, I was on trial for war crimes and genocide, none of that gay shit.
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When I was six I was a bit of a knife addict. I was also an only child...
...eventually.
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I just tried that new Radox Shower Gel called "African Escape"
As soon as I opened the bottle the water cut out and now I have to walk 15 miles to finish my shower.
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My wife was complaining about her job to me.
"If I had a pound every time I was held back for being a woman..."
"Don't you mean 75p?"
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I was having a crafty wank at work when the boss caught me.
Good fucking job he did too, I hadn't even realised I'd fallen off the ladder.
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Gutted now The Stig has been unmasked.
I've got a lot of explaining to do to the wife as to why I used to go out at night in a white helmet and overalls.
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A recent government study has shown that most people believe too much money and time are wasted on pointless government studies.
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They say that Chinese Water Torture is one of the worst forms of torture there is.
Not as bad as African Water Torture; that's the one where you're born in Africa.
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BBC News: Beckham eyes 11 September return.
We all do, David. We all do.
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More from today.
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Hottest This Week
(10 of lots)
I feel sorry for the McCanns.
Maddie being The Stig was their last hope.
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I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date."
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'Not Actual Game Footage'
Translation
We put more effort into this advert than the actual game.
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I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.
Which is the one about being in a closet?
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I have just filmed my girlfriend using her toes to wank me off.
Nice bit of footage.
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Mary had a little lamb,
But then she put that in the bin too.
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Just saw that advert where an athlete in a wheelchair says, "My arms are stronger than your legs!"
Doesn't he know people can just say the exact same thing back to him?
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Metro Front Page:- "Cricket declares war on cheaters"
What a brave little insect, taking on all those big cats single-handedly...
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A good friend came up to me looking very pale. "My wife's got cancer. They don't think she's going to make it."
"At least you'll be free of that bitch in a few months."
"Please don't say things like that."
"I was only joking, I'm sorry if I offended you."
"Oh no, I just didn't want you to jinx it."
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I wish everyone would stop voting up these puns about the trapped Chilean workers and start voting for my jokes.
I mean, miner so much better...
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More from this week.
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Hottest This Month
(10 of lots)
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Not got children? Hire a babysitter anyway, say the kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.
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A black man approached me and said, "Can you tell me how to get to the train station, please?"
I said, "Certainly, monkey face. You go past the jerk chicken, around the grape soda and, Muhammad's your cotton-picker, it's opposite the watermelon."
As I lay here in hospital, I'm thinking to myself, "That's the last time I eat those fucking Rowntree's Randoms!"
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I was on Dragon's Den but got chucked out.
Apparently asking Deborah Meaden to "fuck off and get me a sandwich while the men talk business" is unacceptable.
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I'm not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I've seen what it can do to skyscrapers.
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It's so awkward when you send a private text message to the wrong person.
The other day I wrote a message, "Hey babe, thinking of U makes my cock hard, can't wait to sex U up 2night" and sent it to my 10-year-old daughter.
Imagine how embarrassing it would have been if I'd sent that to the wrong person.
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Me: What's that smell?
Wife: I can't smell anything.
Me: Neither can I, Get that fucking cooker on.
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I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out.
What kind of sick fucker would throw a wasp in a bin?
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I've been given two weeks to live.
The wife's gone away for a fortnight.
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I'll be fucked if this rape alarm doesn't work.
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My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance.
It's a cool feature but I didn't think the 'LOL' was necessary.
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More from this month.
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Newest Today
(30 of 1156)
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Schizophrenia ......beats being alone
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Four nuns died in a horrible car crash.
They reached the pearly gates of heaven where Jesus was waiting for them.
The first nun said 'lord I have sinned. I have seen a mans penis, may I still pass?'
Jesus replied 'wash your eyes with this holy water then go through.'
the second nun said 'lord I have sinned. I once touched a mans penis, may I still pass?'
Jesus said 'wash your hands with this holy water and go through.'
Jesus noticed the third and fourth [...]
Four nuns died in a horrible car crash.
They reached the pearly gates of heaven where Jesus was waiting for them.
The first nun said 'lord I have sinned. I have seen a mans penis, may I still pass?'
Jesus replied 'wash your eyes with this holy water then go through.'
the second nun said 'lord I have sinned. I once touched a mans penis, may I still pass?'
Jesus said 'wash your hands with this holy water and go through.'
Jesus noticed the third and fourth nun pushing and shoving and asked what was going on.
The fourth nun replied 'I want to wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in there!'
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A massive photo of me robbing some beer has been put up in my local off license.
I've been framed.
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You can pretty much deduce that someone is a sad lonely prick with no friends when they say five words...
"Remember when we used to"
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The Madeleine McCann group on Facebook is categorised under 'Geography'.
Surely it should be in the 'History' section?
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I know this is a little bit early but its to remind everyone to get yer jokes ready......
Happy September 11th everyone!
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I was in the waiting room at the hospital for 4 fucking hours and was just about to leave when my name was called.
I thought, "That's great, hope I don't have to wait that long in the next waiting room!"
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What's white and now smells of curry?
Christian from Eastenders
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Daily mail online - Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband wants to plastinate her body and put her on show after she dies. Er, but isnt she already 99% plastic/plasticine?
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My pyschiatrist says I have a pre-occupation with vengance.
We'll see about that...
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Irony - Buying slim fit jeans with a 46" waist
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First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so pro [...]
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole fucking thing.
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Shit.............I've been working harder that Cyril Smith's coffin bearer !
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A baby seal walks into a club.
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I've just thought of the funniest joke I've ever thought of in my entire life... It was great... It was a sure fire hit...
Fucking weed.
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Every day I write jokes about beating my wife, raping women and getting stoned with my mates but the fact is I've never had a girlfriend, am still a virgin, I'm ginger and this isn't even a joke. How's that for irony.
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So, Ben Collins will be killed off as the Stig, and Michael Schumacher isnt doing too well in Formula 1- career opportunity for the nazi me thinks..............................
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Making sickipedia full of old, repetitive, childish and dull jokes..
There's an app for that.
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Josef fritzel is being flown out to chile to offer his invaluable experience of keeping minors alive underground
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One of my friends is an axe murderer,
I felt sorry for his two half brothers.
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A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon reall [...]
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
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A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe's first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob's lead.
Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet!
After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened.
Joe said "There was this snake and he slittered across my feet, but I never screamed.
Then there was this bear that came up to me a [...]
A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe's first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob's lead.
Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet!
After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened.
Joe said "There was this snake and he slittered across my feet, but I never screamed.
Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed."
"So then what did make you scream," Bob asked, exasperated. "Well," Joe continued, "two squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, "Should we take them home or eat 'em now?""
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I hate them chocolate miniature heroes
Especially that fucking Nelson Mandela
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Sex.
Women need a reason.
Men need a place.
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"I'm no expert, but......"
Exactly, you know fuck all. Now shut up.
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Its been said that Kevin MacDonald has been the worst person in a caretaker job since Ian Huntley
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so im giving the old vagina a shave the other day and i think to myself, 'dam, this is gonna take some explaining if she wakes up'
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I swear I saw some fish fishing in Spongebob Squarepants...... isn't that cannibalism!?
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At the airport with the wife. I hear over the P.A that all unattended bags will be taken away and can be destroyed. I am off to hide in the toilets for a while. Fingers crossed.
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My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.
Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.
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More from today.
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