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The Queen is making a visit to Australia, Bruce is at the front of the welcoming party.

"G'day Madge," said Bruce, "Can I cop a feel a yer tits?"

"One does not like to be touched." replied the Queen,

"Yer fair game for an old Sheila," said Bruce, "which one can I touch?"
What's the difference between a muslim and a trampoline?

Nothing, you can jump up and down on both and enjoy yourself just as much.
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Random 5!

A Jewish man asks, “Rabbi, what should I do? My son has converted to Christianity.”

“I don’t know,” answered the Rabbi. “Come back tomorrow, and I’ll ask advice from God.”

The man comes back the next day.

“I can’t help you,” says the Rabbi. “God told me he has the same problem.”
When Muslim parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the airplane!" technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosive noises?
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Hottest Jokes This Week

Daily Mail: "Child rapist who bribed his victim with VIP tickets for a One Direction concert is jailed for 18 years"

Hopefully he will get extra for the rape.
A black man walks into a petrol station and says to the cashier, "Gimme all the money in the till or I'll blow you away!"

The cashier says, "But you haven't got a gun!"

The black man says, "Sorry, force of habit. Pump number four, please."
My fat wife and I were enjoying a swim in the hotel pool this morning, when a little boy of about five got into trouble and appeared to be drowning.
Luckily, my wife was there to save his life.


She got out to inform the lifeguard and the water level dropped enough for him to stand up.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

If you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison.....Where you can watch TV all day, without needing a licence.
I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"

It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "£100 and it's yours."
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Newest Jokes Today

i just told this latvian prostitute "my wife dosent understand me like you do"
now shes on it like a tramp on a whopper
Anyone suffering from Alzheimerâs should ask their doctor for a prescription for a trip to Liverpool. They're still fucking whining on about events that happened in 1989.
What is worse than finding a worm in your apple ?

Getting to the second challenge of Fear Factor.
"Compliments of the season" said the dustman holding out his hand.

"What did you do that for?" he asked when I threw five one pound coins down the garden path

"Well that's usually where you leave most of my rubbish" I replied
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