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I see that Germany has had the brilliant idea of opening a new hotline, where people can call in, swearing and cursing at strangers on the other end.

It's not a first, though.

In the UK it's called 'Talk Talk Customer Service'.
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Random 5!

It is said that brushing your teeth with the opposite hand stimulates brain activity in the morning.

I tried it and stabbed myself in the back of the throat. Yes, I'm wide awake now.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

Yesterday I saw a dishevelled old hairy tramp recycling putrefied rubbish, swearing at strangers and begging for money after his family spent all his on heroin.

I just thought; No, Bob Geldof, I'm not buying your shite record this time.
I tried to download the new Band-Aid song to raise money for victims of the ebola outbreak,

but my anti-virus software wouldn't let me.
I was starting my new job at the chemist this morning when some bloke walked in.

"I've got a blocked nose, a sore throat and my head feels like it's going to explode." he said, "Have you got anything?"

I said, "No mate, I feel fine."
Whenever my wife goes to the supermarket I always tell her to park in the disabled space.

After watching her spend 20 minutes trying to reverse into it, nobody is going to question her.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'

'You're still fucking late' replied my boss.
Cheryl Fernandez-Versini has complained to the media that people will always know her as Cheryl Cole, the former wife of a premiership footballer.

That's unfair, because I'll always know her as Cheryl Tweedy, the belligerent slapper convicted of assaulting a toilet cleaner in a Surrey nightclub.
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Newest Jokes Today

Very sadly, Craig Charles has been forced to exit the Im A Celebrity jungle because of the unfortunate and unexpected death of his brother, Dean. Of which he must return home to be with his family at such a crucial and deeply emotional time for them all.

Meanwhile Gemma Collins left because she wants more food..
For as long as I can remember, women have called me Legoman.

I don't know why, but whenever I get hold of a one that's what they say.
"I had some of that Welsh-style cheese on toast last night."

"What, Rarebit?"

"No, Llpwlllwwllllppwwhylfllgthlllyyywpyll."
Yorkshire News: Naked man exposes himself to woman. Police ask for witnesses to provide a full description including the clothes worn by the suspect
My wife and I took our daughter into the pet shop today to buy a rabbit.

After picking one out the shop keeper looked at my daughter and said, "She's a cuddly little one isn't she, have you thought of a name?"

"Yes, Peppa." My daughter beamed.

"Awww, after the pig?" Smiled the shopkeeper looking at my wife.

"No!" I replied picking up the rabbit, "her name's Sue."
I was sat on a bus next to an old woman when loads of chavs got on and started causing chaos. "Look at them, drinking, swearing and smashing windows ,some as young as thirteen" she began. "Were you like that when you were their age or were you more responsible." "No, I was much more responsible" I replied. "I was just sat at home most of the time looking after my three kids".
A heavily pregnant woman waiting to have her baby induced has been caught having sex on a maternity ward in Bristol. I always thought wetting the baby's head was having a drink with your friends after the child's birth. Guess this couple had different ideas
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