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The morning after pill was originally developed by vets to counteract the possibility of a pedigree pooch being accidentally inseminated by a stray mongrel. It wasn't for use by humans.

Thinking laterally, one can only assume that the eureka moment came one night, when a vet's daughter said 'Dad, this is Leroy....'
"Janet across the road has just called me in and showed me her tits, " I said to my wife.

"WHAT! I'll fucking kill her, " she yelled, and stormed out of the house.

Oh dear, I hope she doesn't damage her aviary.
My mate was telling me how he's planning to get his own back on his wife for having an affair.

"You know what they say about revenge Dave..eh?"

"Yes, it's a dish best served reheated to at least 75 degrees in the centre" I said.

Apparently, being a Food Safety Inspector makes me a boring cunt.
I pissed the bed last night.

"Oh god" said my girlfriend "How have you managed this at your age?"

"I must of had too much to drink." I said.

"You can say that again" She said "You slept on the sofa."
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Random 5!

I woke up this morning on the settee, with my pants around my feet and a cucumber stuck up my arse.
I'd a post-it note stuck to my forehead. It said;

"I saw you spike my drink, so swapped them."

BITCH!
I’m very close to my identical twin brother. We even finish each other’s sentences.

Which is nice as he’s now serving 30 years for that rape I committed.
George W Bush and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future. The both decide to test it by asking a question each. George goes first

"What will the USA be like in 100 years time"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existant, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"

Gordon Brown thinks "Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks "What will Britain be like in 100 years time?"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it.

"Come on Gordon" says George, "Share what it says"

"I can't read it George! Its all in Punjabi!"
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Hottest Jokes This Week

A black guy goes into a bakery. While he's waiting to get served he hears a voice say "fuck off back to the jungle, Nigger".

He looks down and sees some cakes looking back at him.

"Excuse me", he says to the girl behind the counter, "did you hear what these things just said?"

"Sorry about that. They're Chelsea buns."
I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground...

We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists' testicles are aphrodisiacs, within ten years they'll have disappeared...
"There's actually little data to show that Asian children are any smarter than children of other races. It's really just a matter of perception, as I concluded from my research."

Said my Chinese neighbour's three-year-old son.
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Newest Jokes Today

After a bit of a disappointing fumble on the settee, my wife stormed off:

"You're fucking clueless when it comes to sex" she screamed, "I'm going upstairs to play with my clit."


...whatever that is.
I was down the local supermarket on a saturday afternoon. Big mistake!
Noisy kids, mums screaming at noisy kids, staff announcements over the loudspeaker, and old people just getting in the fucking way.
I went into the next aisle and it all changed, blokes getting massages, blokes sat on sofas drinking alcohol.
No noisy kids, no screaming mums, and not an old duffer in sight, just quiet, pleasant and relaxed.
I approached one guy who was about to leave and asked "What is this joyous place?"
He smiled and then said "Welcome to the chilled aisle."
I pissed the bed last night.

"Oh god" said my girlfriend "How have you managed this at your age?"

"I must of had too much to drink." I said.

"You can say that again" She said "You slept on the sofa."
My mate was telling me how he's planning to get his own back on his wife for having an affair.

"You know what they say about revenge Dave..eh?"

"Yes, it's a dish best served reheated to at least 75 degrees in the centre" I said.

Apparently, being a Food Safety Inspector makes me a boring cunt.
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