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Royal News: William and Kate formally registered the birth of their new baby yesterday, giving their occupations as "Prince and Princess of the United Kingdom".

That's the most creative way of saying 'unemployed' I've ever heard.
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Random 5!

A truckie going from Melbourne to Perth picks up a hitch-hiker. After a while the hitch-hiker says he's tired and lays down in the truck's "sleeper" compartment for a rest.
A while later the hitch-hiker is woken up by the noise of the truck running over something: "BASH!, BASH!, BASH!".
"What's all the racket?" he asks the driver.
"Oh, I just hit an Abo."
"But, what was all that other noise?"
"Well, I had to go over two fences to get the bastard."
A Catholic priest and a rabbi are walking down the street one day when they see a pair of angelic-looking 12-year-old boys playing football in the park.

The priest turns to the rabbi, nudges him in the ribs and says:

"I tell you what; let's go and screw those boys"

The rabbi looked at him curiously and answered:

"Out of what?"
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Hottest Jokes This Month

I couldn't afford to take my kids to Sea World.

So I took them to Billingsgate Fish Market, saying, "Shhhhh ... they're all asleep."
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Newest Jokes Today

It was a very windy day and I was carrying a wet white bedsheet, so I decided to raise it up a pole and let the wind dry it.

I probably shouldn't have done it at a French war memorial, though.
Families of victims of mass shootings in America have appealed to the media not to show pictures of the gunmen involved because they say it encourages copycats.

With that in mind, I'm pleading with the media to show zero coverage of today's elections.
Peter Robinson, the 66 year old first minister of Northern Ireland has said marriage equality will never come to Northern Ireland because marriage is between one man and one woman.

Maybe he should have checked to make sure his wife wasn't getting her elderly minge out for a 19 year old behind his back first.
My mother told me to stay away from two things as a child.

Never take sweets from a stranger

and

never take calamari from a rabbi.
I offered to by a woman a drink in the pub the other night, and she told me to "Go and fuck myself."

I replied, "Love, if I could do that, do you really think I'd be wasting money buying you a drink?"
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