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My wife and my ex have been bumping into each other all day.
I really should have hanged them from separate branches.
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In light of recent events in Syria concerning the Turks and Russians. I think we should prepare for the inevitable.
A movie about the Americans saving the world.
My friend came to me and said, "Thanks for lending me the Fight Club DVD!"
I was like, "Don't mention it."
So according to Turkey, it's ok for muslims to shoot down an invading plane after 17 seconds in your airspace.
So next time my neighbour Mohammed uses my driveway to turn around I'll be waiting behind the gate with my hammer...
I give my employees time and an 1/8th if they do any overtime at work.
Honestly, sometimes I think I'm too generous to be a drug dealer.
I thought I saw a load of Ewoks being chased by Darth Vader earlier, they looked so realistic with the incoherent jabbering, hairy little faces poking out from hoods and the characteristic wet animal smell.
Imagine my disappointment when I realised it was a Muslim school trip out.
My wife asked my daughter and I, "Who is responsible for the drops of urine on the toilet floor?"
"I was peeing on a pregnancy stick," my daughter embarrassingly replied.
That's when I realised it might be my fault.
I was sitting in the hospital canteen, when the doctor came over, looking all weepy eyed.
"What's up, doc?" I asked, before tucking into my sandwich.
"I'm afraid your wife didn't make it," he said.
"I can tell," I replied. "This sandwich is gorgeous."
I was stunned how calm and relaxed my parents were when I came out as gay to them.
Because the wife was fucking livid.
As Osbourne talks more and more of 'fiscal rectitude' the more I think he needs rectal fistitude.
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