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I said to my doctor, "I found a lump downstairs this morning."

"Ok, well take off your pants." he replied.

After feeling my bollocks for a few minutes he said, "Where's the lump then?"

"Under my armpit." I replied, "I was in my living room at the time."
Dirty. Smelly. Limited intelligence. Easily led.

I don't understand why Muslims hate pigs, when they have so much in common.
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Random 5!

I stopped my car beside a prostitute last night.

As she got in I asked, "How much for a blow job?"

She said, "Thirty quid."

I said, "Can you do twenty?"

"Yeah, okay" she replied.

I said, "Great, here's £600 then."
I got a job as a bounty hunter in China.

Couldn't believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!
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Hottest Jokes This Week

A Muslim was arguing with me about how pigs were disgusting creatures and a health risk to all people.

"Do you think so Mohammed? " I said. "I've never yet seen one explode. "
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Hottest Jokes This Month

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement.

It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night.
"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.
The South African justice system really is something else.

I wouldn't be surprised if Reeva Steenkamp's parents end up having to pay for a new bathroom door.
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Newest Jokes Today

The clocks go back one hour tonight.

Unless you're a Muslim of course, then you need to put yours forward a couple of centuries.
I went to a bar the other day and saw a gorgeous blonde on her own. With all the suave charm I could muster, I swaggered over to her, winked, and sat down on a stool.

So I stood up, wiped it off, and left.
"Hello Pete, I won't be coming into work today," I said.

"So what's your excuse, then?" he asked.

"I'm your fucking boss, Pete," I replied.
Dear President Obama,

Thank you for sending planes to bomb the Islamic Militants who invaded us in their hordes, intent on taking over while raping and sexually abusing our young girls.

Love, Portsmouth.
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