Hottest Jokes Today

I crossed the road without looking yesterday and a Scouser on a bicycle swerved to avoid me and went straight into a lamp post. The poor guy had two broken ribs and a concussion.

On the bright side, I got my bike back.

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MERS , or Middle-East Respiratory Syndrome , is a very dangerous virus which has claimed another 17 lives in Saudi Arabia in recent weeks.

It is not to be confused with Middle-East Religious Syndrome, which has fucked up every life it has touched since first appearing in Arabia around the year 630.
Police are hunting for a missing mother and her four children who are feared to be travelling to Syria.

"This woman needs to be found with the utmost urgency." Said the police chief.

"We can offer her assistance, we found her passport on her kitchen side."
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Random 5!

I was approached by a member of Greenpeace in the street the other day and he told me that if I don't donate £2 a month then people in Africa will die.

I can't believe Greenpeace employ such violent people.
A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whisky and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"
My driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car.

I can't believe that he thinks Star Wars is real.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving off benefits.

It's called "Alice in Sunderland".
So the BBC have reported that teen pregnancy is falling.
But child obesity is rising.
Just proves no one wants to fuck a fatty.
The bin lorry driver from Glasgow has condemned the tabloid press for harassing him when he tried to relax and pursue his hobby: flying at air shows.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour. On my last two dates, the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex.

Not sure of the brand but it had a distinct sharp, peppery smell.
My girlfriend bought a home waxing kit the other day. She asked me if she should just do the sides or leave a strip down the middle. I said I would prefer it if she didn't have a moustache at all.
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Newest Jokes Today

"Oh well, " said my wife on the day after our wedding, "such a beautiful dress, what a pity it has to go back. But I suppose you're right, no point in wasting all that money for one day. "

"Oh, that reminds me, " I replied, "I'll need the ring as well. "
I can see what Nigel Farage was saying about Romanians, the one next door is probably robbing hospitals because she keeps going out dressed as a nurse, also she thinks it's a bit backward here in Redruth compared to where she comes from.
I saw a woman going to a masked ball today.

I became excited, so I asked her if I could join in, but she told me to fuck off.

Turns out she was going to a mosque.
I'm both shocked and disgusted by some photo's I've found in my dads bedside cabinet.

That image of him and my mum like that will scar me for life.

What ever possessed them to take pictures in such a compromising state I will never understand.

I would never want people to know I sat next to a black couple in a restaurant.
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