Tom Daley has said it's important to abstain from sex before a major diving competition.
A gaping arse would whistle on the way down.
The Sick List
Show me a man who calls himself a vegan,
and I'll show you a man who's trying to shag a vegan.
The wife and I were about to get dressed for an office dinner when she pulled out a tight, slutty red dress from her wardrobe.
"You can't wear that!" I said immediately.
"Why?" she asked. "Will your colleagues think it's inappropriate?"
"No," I said. "Because you're fat."
I asked this fit bird in the pub what she looks for in a guy.
She said, "I want a guy who is full of surprises!"
So after she sucked me off, I told her I was married.
I bought one of those 'Greek-style' yogurts.
There was nothing in the pot.
My wife was standing on a set of steps wearing a short skirt as she placed the star at the top of the Christmas tree.
I couldn't resist, I shoved my head up, slipped her pants to the side and gave her fanny a right good licking.
Everyone else in the church hall looked mortified.
I said to this fat bird at the pub, "Oh, the things I would do to you if I ever got you back to mine."
She giggled and said, "Well what are waiting for, let's go!"
After 20minutes or so, she was sweating and moaning, even begging,
"Please, I can't take it anymore, let me off this fucking treadmill!"
Nelson Mandela, a legend and inspiration to every black man. Never worked a day in his life and spent half of it in prison.
The pilot of the Glasgow helicopter crash was described as a hero at his funeral.
A hero? Crashing into a pub full of Glaswegians on a Friday night, I'd say he's a fucking legend.
In death Nelson Mandela has once again united the world... in agreement that any middle class white British person who calls him "Madiba" is a tosser.
Hottest This Week
Well... Opened the 2nd door of my advent calendar this morning - wasn't expecting Tom Daley to come out!!
Dappy was recently hospitalised after being kicked in the head by a horse.
Music industry leaders are considering giving the 'Outstanding Contribution to Music Award' to the horse.
Amazon has announced that is has been testing drones for deliveries.
However initial tests in Glasgow have met with mixed results.
"So you're able to carry shopping to a customers car free of charge?" I asked the guy in Tesco this morning.
"Yes." he replied.
I said, "Can you carry mine for me?"
He said, "Sure."
As we walked across the entire distance of the car park, I suddenly stopped beside my motor and said, "I could've carried it myself but I'm a lazy bastard."
"I gathered that." he replied, "Here's your KitKat."
When asked their thoughts on Britain's No1 diver announcing that he is gay.....
Manchester United have pledged to fully support Ashley Young during this difficult time.
Hottest This Month
Girl comes into the pub with half her tits showing, I look at them, I'm the pervert...
I walk into the pub with half my cock showing...Girl looks at it...I'm still the pervert!?
Police in Glasgow have confirmed they have arrested a man who climbed on the roof of a pub to paint 'HAPPY ST. ANDREWS DAY' in giant white letters.
Fortunately they managed to stop him after he only had time to finish the 'H'.
Sean Connery has always said he would leave The Bahamas and return to his homeland of Scotland, if it ever gained independence.
He must be shitting himself.
I got into an embarrassing situation at a swingers' party last night. I snuck up behind an older lady, started fucking her from behind then looked up and suddenly realised that the guy at the other end of the spitroast, getting a blowjob, was my dad.
I said, "After 30 years of marriage I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum."
He said, "I'm not."
As I stood swaying from side to side at the British Airways ticket desk last night, the guy looked at me and said, "Can I help?"
"Yes," I slurred, unzipping my superman costume and pulling my wallet out, "One ticket to Amsterdam please."
"You're unable to fly, sir." he replied, "You're far too drunk."
I said, "I know mate, that's why I'm getting a plane."