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It was my anniversary last night.

As my wife peeled the cloth away she said, "Da dah! Your dinner is served."

"I'm not eating that," I replied, "It looks and smells revolting."

She said, "Just taste it."

"No fucking chance." I replied, "Put those knickers back on."
"Tower Hamlets's Muslim mayor sparked a storm of protest tonight after raising the Palestinian flag over the town hall, in solidarity with Gaza"

Fuck! I can't wait to see how the Mayor of Tottenham responds to this one.
As I stood at the bar last night, I handed my sister's ex boyfriend a pint of lager and said, "I bet you can't drink this in under 10 seconds."

"I bet I can." he replied, immediately pouring it down his throat and slamming the glass down, "There you go!"

"Are you feeling strong?" I asked.

"Fuck yeah!" he replied.

"Good," I said, walking away, "Here comes the massive skinhead whose pint it was."
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Random 5!

I'm downloading the Qur'an from an ebook site. I've got a slow connection but it should be done by Saturday the 11th.

I'm putting it on disk, if anyone wants one I can burn a few copies
The doctor came out of the maternity ward and said, "Mr Smith, I'm afraid your baby was still born."

I asked, "What, STILL, after all the shit I did to kill it?!"
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Hottest Jokes This Week

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great!" I thought. "First day in here and I'm already married."
George Osborne saw a little old lady struggling with two heavy bags of shopping,

"You shouldn't be struggling with those two bags of shopping, let me help," he said.

So he halved her pension so she could only afford one in future.
When I was working at Tesco today, a customer was being rude to me, so I scanned him in the eyes with the barcode reader.

You should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless.
Charlotte, on Ch4's Embarrassing Bodies: "I'm getting a really fishy smell from 'down below', and I just don't know what it is."

I'm no gynaecologist love, but I reckon it's your fanny.
How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will just sit in the dark and demand you accept the light is still on.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Being English and choosing between Germany and Argentina to win the World Cup is like choosing between the McCanns and Rolf Harris to babysit your kids...
This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped. I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air.

"Please, please," he begged, "don't let me drop!"

"Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up?" I asked,

"Yes! Yes! Of course I will!" he said.

So I let him go. I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast.
Argentina have put in an appeal to FIFA stating that, on the grounds that the trophy was in Brazil, and Argentina was therefore closer to it than Germany, then it should rightfully be theirs.
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Newest Jokes Today

My girlfriend finally told me that she was ready to have anal sex.

"Result, it bloody works!" I thought, as I stopped swinging the watch in front of her face.
I went to the beach and it was packed. Then I noticed a tall black guy walking among the crowds selling his African trinkets and carved wood.

I went up to him and asked for his help. "My wife's here somewhere. If you find her I'll give you £500. Just shout loud for her while you walk".

"£500? O.K. What is her name?" he asked.

"It's Ivy", I replied, "Ivy Bowler".

Picked a spot all to myself after that.
My muslim neighbour decided six months ago she was never again going to wear a full-face hijab or veil, and naturally it caused a massive rift in her family.
Two weeks ago a stranger, suspected hired by her brother, pinned her down in the street and hacked her nose off with a serrated blade.
To make such a terrible situation worse, she isn't eligible for reconstructive surgery on her injuries.

She had very good insurance, but her face wasn't covered.
I think my wife's getting suspicious. She came home and said "Phew, I think Sofie needs her nappy changing".

"She's upstairs. How can you tell from down here?" I asked.

"Your middle finger is covered in shit" she replied.
I did some shopping in Tesco earlier and the checkout girl asked "Do you have a Clubcard, sir?"

"In fact I believe I do" I replied, handing her the six of clubs.
Three years ago, my son and I had a huge falling out over his sexuality, he fled the house in tears and has never returned or been in contact since.
This morning a neighbour said he was sure he had spotted him working in town, so I grabbed my coat and went to look for him.

I eventually found him in an underpass, on his knees, sucking (and so obviously loving it) some old bloke's cock.

I held back and let him finish off with a facial, before running up to him and throwing my arms around him, so relieved he was ok.

When I was told about him earning money in a subway, I was worried he was making sandwiches, like some sort of puff.
I read that girls like to cuddle and talk about kids names after sex.

I find that pretty hard to do when they're screaming for help.
Been a weird few hours. Blew all my money on bad investments got thrown in jail and ended up having sex with a tiny scotty dog whilst wearing a metal top hat. In my defense nobody explained the rules of monopoly to me
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