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I went to a posh restaurant today where I was greeted by a black man. "May I take your coat, sir?" he asked.

How refreshing, I thought to myself...

A thief with manners.
I had a terrible dream about me going to the fridge and it being empty. I woke up screaming and ran to the fridge. I felt a great relief when I opened it and my daughter was still in there.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

As the train pulled into Bradford station, I heard 2 people talking about how the city had lost its identity to immigration.

I wanted to go and educate them about the positive influences that cultural diversity could have in a community, and the many ways in which us Pakistanis were integrating into British society.

But I was too busy trying to get a good seat on the roof.
I was at a job interview today.

The interviewer said to me, "On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery."

I said, "That's correct."

He said, "Would you like to elaborate?"

I said, "No."
Burglars have become very clever recently. Just last night my wife turned to me in the middle of the night and said "Wake up! There's somebody downstairs!" So I got out of bed and quietly checked every room.

Suddenly I realized that I don't have a wife.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

So Islamist militants have murdered 12 French journalists for publishing cartoons depicting followers of the Prophet Mohammed as bloodthirsty barbarians.

That's like raping 12 kids to prove you're not a paedophile.
I don't think Muslims go far enough in killing people who draw images of the prophet Mohammed.

I think they should kill people who are named after him as well.
I've just received the class photo from my son's school in East London with over half the faces pixelated.

I think the school is taking this "no images of Mohammed" thing a bit far.
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Newest Jokes Today

"Today we start the celebrations of Black History Month," declares President Obama.

"As usual, Michelle will be celebrating for the whole month, and I will be celebrating half."
My eight year old son was playing football in the garden when he tripped over his own feet. He screamed and thrashed about like he had been battered.

I was so proud, my son is going to be a premier league player someday.
I was in the park today with my neighbour and her little daughter, when her child's dummy dropped into a mud and got filthy.

So I did what every good parent will do and gave her another one to suck on.

"Pull your fucking cock away, Dave!" shouted my neighbour.
I had a close scare the other night. Me and some mates were smoking a ton of weed in my flat when there was a knock at the door.

It was the police.

Fortunately I was able to delete all of my cookies in time.
It's amazing to think that there have almost been two bath related deaths in the Houston family in the space of three years.

Yet there have been none in the entire history of Muslims.
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