Hottest Jokes Today

My wife and my ex have been bumping into each other all day.

I really should have hanged them from separate branches.

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In light of recent events in Syria concerning the Turks and Russians. I think we should prepare for the inevitable.

A movie about the Americans saving the world.
So according to Turkey, it's ok for muslims to shoot down an invading plane after 17 seconds in your airspace.

So next time my neighbour Mohammed uses my driveway to turn around I'll be waiting behind the gate with my hammer...
I give my employees time and an 1/8th if they do any overtime at work.

Honestly, sometimes I think I'm too generous to be a drug dealer.
I thought I saw a load of Ewoks being chased by Darth Vader earlier, they looked so realistic with the incoherent jabbering, hairy little faces poking out from hoods and the characteristic wet animal smell.
Imagine my disappointment when I realised it was a Muslim school trip out.
My wife asked my daughter and I, "Who is responsible for the drops of urine on the toilet floor?"

"I was peeing on a pregnancy stick," my daughter embarrassingly replied.

That's when I realised it might be my fault.
I was sitting in the hospital canteen, when the doctor came over, looking all weepy eyed.

"What's up, doc?" I asked, before tucking into my sandwich.

"I'm afraid your wife didn't make it," he said.

"I can tell," I replied. "This sandwich is gorgeous."
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Random 5!

I'm getting quite concerned about what my kids are hearing in the playground.

This morning I caught my daughter imitating sex acts with her Barbie and Ken dolls.

I told her, "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that."

She replied, "Don't worry, Dad. He's doing her up the shitter!"
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Hottest Jokes This Week

"You can't park there, it's a disabled space," shouted the car park attendant.

"There are eleven empty spaces - it's not as if eleven disabled people are all going to turn up at once, is it?" I replied.

At which point the Aston Villa team bus pulled up to disprove my theory.
I made my fortune selling HIV testing kits to Africa.

To be honest, they're really just lollipop sticks with 'Yes' written on the side.
How do you know if someone was bullied at school?

They wear a badge that says 'Community Support Officer'.
I can't believe how shallow women on dating sites can be.

I'd been chatting to this girl for a while and we were getting on ok, but then she turned round and said she wasn't interested, JUST because of the type of car I live in.
Well done Turkey on shooting down a Russian warplane.

Now proceed to level two where you have to destroy fifty Russian warplanes and fight off an invading ground force.
Following the attacks in Paris last week, no matter what you think about Mancunians, you've got to give respect to the Manchester City fans who observed a 90 minute silence in their game against Liverpool.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

I think it's time a serious message is sent out to ISIS and every other terrorist group throughout the world.

Justin Bieber has a gig on Thursday, November 19 at the Toyota Center, Houston, Texas, US.
Unbelievable act of kindness in amongst all the chaos in Paris tonight. All the taxi drivers are staying in the city centre to taxi everyone home free of charge.

It'd be a lot easier if they just texted their families and told them to stop killing everyone.
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Newest Jokes Today

I've bought a Pakistani Mastif and I've named it...Muhammad Syria Abu Jihad Allahu Akbar.

It does get annoying to constantly call it when I'm over the park, but it's normally empty and there's loads of space for us.
Cheryl Fernandez-Versini has hit back after a photo was published showing her in a toilet close to a 'mysterious white powder'.

Her spokesperson said "Cheryl would like to make it clear that she only went into the toilet to racially abuse the attendant"
I tried to make a living as an artist but I was so crap I soon went bankrupt

I couldn't even draw money from a cashpoint
My wife hasn't said a word to me all night.

I know what this means and I'm very upset - I can't believe she's joined fight club.
My wife can't stand garlic so my mate suggested she might be a vampire.

Well,turns out he was right.When I stabbed her in the heart with a wooden stake,she died.
It's been confirmed that an American cop who shot a black kid 16 times has been charged.

With wasting state funded ammunition.
I was talking to my old teacher today about my rape conviction and he was quite understanding about it.

Funny, after all these years, who'd have thought we would end up in the same cell together.
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