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A couple from Scunthorpe have won the euromillions twice and plan to move to London.

Good luck to them. They should have enough now for a deposit on a house.
A new film about the life of Barack Obama is ready to start shooting as soon as they can find the right actor to play him.

Albert Broccoli has suggested Liam Neeson.
The wife and I sat alone in the hospital room last night, waiting for the sonogram.

I said, "I can't wait to see if it's a boy or a girl."

"Which do you want?" she asked.

"Definitely a girl," I replied. "I fucking love female nurses."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

Apparently, black students in South Africa have pelted Cecil John Rhodes's statue with their own faeces recently because back in 1896, he called Africans 'Sub human'


Yeah, that'll teach the bastard just how wrong he was.
"Now pay attention black 007, this may look like a pen but in fact ... Hold on a minute, where's that fucking pen gone?"
Now listen carefully Bond...

This may look like a credit card, but in fact this card will unlock the doors of opportunities no matter your skills, anytime you don't get your own way simply show this, we call it the "Race card".
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Hottest Jokes This Month

An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000."

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000."
Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
I hadn't been seeing that Jewish girl very long before she suggested we rent an apartment together.
All was going fine until I found out she actually fucking owned the place.
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Newest Jokes Today

What if I told you, that taking candy from a baby would be the responsible thing to do,

because they might choke on it and die.
My friends think I should sympathize with the old lady across the street who only has a cat to accompany her.
I did- I thought "Think about all the poor children in China who could of eaten Mittens."
Zayn Malik is reported as saying that the main reason he quit One Direction was so that he could return to doing the normal things other 22 years olds like him do.
If thats the case, i'd suggest a Burka, as there is just no way you're slipping over the border into Syria unnoticed.
They say vinyl is making a comeback. I wish it would hurry up. I'm losing count of the times I've been in a club and a girl says 'I love this track'. Then I get a crack in the mouth.

'I've got the 7 inch' doesn't translate so well between generations.
"Dad, how long is eternity?"

"Stand behind a couple of old black women at the checkout in Sainbury's son, you'll find out."
What John Barnes needs is someone who is a man with wealth, a real football man, someone who thinks black managers deserve a chance and will sell his 20 million pound mansion, buy a club and give John that chance.

Sol, it's over to you..
A couple from Scunthorpe have won the euromillions twice and plan to move to London.

Good luck to them. They should have enough now for a deposit on a house.
When I was five I said to my grandad, "What is a 'surprise' ?"

So he said, "Pull your pants down and bend over." so I did.

He said, "Okay,can you feel my thumb in your bum?"

"Yes,grandad."

He then went, "Now,can you feel my other thumb in your bum?"

"Yes,grandad."

That's when he wriggled both his hands in front of my face and said, "Surprise!"
"Pick up the iron and get to work," I said to the woman.

"Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean that I'll be oppressed by men all the time," she ranted, "I've the ability and the education to work like you. And you sexist bastards think that we solely belong for these menial tasks?"

"Well then," I replied, "Here ends your career as a blacksmith."
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