Jeremy Clarkson has said that leaving the BBC has left "a big hole that needs filling."
Well, if he tells them the hole belongs to someone who's underage, I'm sure there is someone at the BBC who's willing to fill it.
My wife came home from work and flopped into a chair, exhausted.
"Darling," I said. "When was the last time I ran you a bath with scented candles, gave you a massage and tucked you up in bed with a glass of cold champagne?"
"Never," she replied.
"Exactly," I said. "Get in the fucking kitchen and cook my dinner."
Man walks into the doctors complaining of terrible headaches for which he has found no cure. He asks the doctor for help. The Doctor tells him that he too used to suffer from nasty and long term headaches but he had been cured by placing his head between his wife's thighs twice a week.
The man says he would try that and makes an appointment to check progress in a months time.
Along comes the second appointment and the man and the Doctor get chatting, "So how are are your headaches?" says the Doctor. "Just fine, all gone," says the man. "Oh and by the way, you have a lovely house Doctor."
My speed date asked me if I was into conspiracy theories.
"Well, so-so," I replied
"That's a pity," she responded. "I couldn't sleep with a man who didn't love them. Second question, who is your favourite Royal?"
"Prince Trevor," I said. "He's the one they don't talk about."