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After 13 years, Cadbury are bringing the Milk Tray man back.

Idris Elba could do the job for Black Magic.

Or Robertson's jam.
What's the difference between a Scotland fan entering Hampden and a Syrian refugee getting in a dingy?

The Syrian has a chance of making Europe.
Jurgen Klopp used to have the 'Yellow Wall'.

Now he's going to have small pieces of red wall instead.

Under his car, where the wheels used to be.
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Random 5!

I was walking down the road yesterday evening when I met a gang of hoodies.

One of the big black teenagers waved his arms like Ali G and said to me, "Dis is our 'hood and these are our streets, innit."

Apparently, "If these are your streets then fix those potholes, you lazy nigger," was the wrong reply.
I'm a science teacher and once I asked one of my lazy students if he knew the chemical symbol for sodium. He replied, 'Na'.
Lucky bastard.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I turned to my colleague and asked, "Can you smell burning?"

23 years we've worked together at the Crematorium and that joke never gets old.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

I got fired on my first day as a bingo caller, I think some members complained of my inappropriate bingo lingo...

In particular...

"If there's hair on the muff, then fair enough, 15."
I think I've worked out why only nine people have made donations to the National Sperm Bank...

It's probably because these days most people do their banking online.
Jesus gets credit for feeding five thousand people with a few fishes and loaves of bread.

But Walkers Crisps manage to spread one potato across five thousand packets.
"Jamaica demands compensation for Britain's involvement in the slave trade"

That's a bit rich, we already paid for them once.
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Newest Jokes Today

I've just arrived on a business trip in Egypt.

I can only describe it as disease ridden shithole, with soaring heat, the stench of evaporating Camel's piss would make you wretch with every breath.

I can't even drink the local water, I'm an alcoholic.
An African black man walks into a doctors surgery in england with a parrot on his head...

The doctor looked up, saw the parrot and said "where did you get that from?".

The parrot said " Africa, their are fucking millions of them over there!"
My neighbour asked if I'd take their wheelie bin out for them while they're away...

I tried, but no clubs would let me in with it.
"If you were stranded on a desert island and you could choose one person to be there with you, who would it be?" Asked my wife.

"You of course dear" I replied

She walked away with a little smile not realising it's because she's so fat and I'd have plenty to eat.
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