Hottest Jokes Today

After weeks of online chatting, I arranged to meet Clare, the undercover police woman.

Imagine my shock when she turned out to be a nine-year-old boy.

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"My gran once told me my grandad had a heart of gold...

...And that's why I'm in the cemetery at three in the morning with a spade, Officer."
My wife came home from work and flopped into a chair, exhausted.
"Darling," I said. "When was the last time I ran you a bath with scented candles, gave you a massage and tucked you up in bed with a glass of cold champagne?"
"Never," she replied.
"Exactly," I said. "Get in the fucking kitchen and cook my dinner."
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Random 5!

According to Sebastian Coe, "There is no greater feeling than representing your country at the Olympics."

Really? Surely having Angelina Jolie sitting on your cock, whilst you snort coke off Jessica Alba's tits would feel greater?
Man walks into the doctors complaining of terrible headaches for which he has found no cure. He asks the doctor for help. The Doctor tells him that he too used to suffer from nasty and long term headaches but he had been cured by placing his head between his wife's thighs twice a week.

The man says he would try that and makes an appointment to check progress in a months time.

Along comes the second appointment and the man and the Doctor get chatting, "So how are are your headaches?" says the Doctor. "Just fine, all gone," says the man. "Oh and by the way, you have a lovely house Doctor."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

My speed date asked me if I was into conspiracy theories.
"Well, so-so," I replied
"That's a pity," she responded. "I couldn't sleep with a man who didn't love them. Second question, who is your favourite Royal?"
"Prince Trevor," I said. "He's the one they don't talk about."
Saying a woman wearing a skimpy outfit is "asking for it" is like saying a guy walking around in a football top wouldn't mind getting tackled out of nowhere.
I overheard my girlfriend muttering to herself, "Love that one... Hate that one... Ooh, that one made me cry."

"Are you going through your DVDs again?" I asked her.

"No," she replied. "My dildos."
After weeks of online chatting, I arranged to meet Clare, the undercover police woman.

Imagine my shock when she turned out to be a nine-year-old boy.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

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Newest Jokes Today

A female co-worker was giving me a blowjob in the work canteen when my boss walked in

"What the hell are you two doing?" he shouted
I smiled and replied "If you don't know, that's why you're a miserable cunt"
Budgies at the local aviary, fed up of not getting an evening meal like bigger birds do, might go on strike.

They're looking for parrot tea
The word "mood swing" is misleading. It sounds like it's swinging and we don't know what mood it's gonna hit.

If your wife calls you and says she's having mood swings, don't expect to walk through the door to find her naked cooking brownies.
The look on my girlfriend's face as I went down on one knee was priceless.

It was almost as if she'd never seen anyone practice a sweep shot before.
Everyone has moments when they're down. But even in your darkest hour, when it seems all hope is lost, just remember,

It could be worse, you could be black.
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