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I was watching the opening ceremony to the Commonwealth games with my wife last night.
As the athletes walked into the stadium, she said, "I haven't even heard of half of these countries, can't believe they're part of the Commonwealth, and nearly all of them are black! Look at those dirty black fuckers, where are they from?"

"That's us." I replied.
Me and my wife have this new deal where she has to lose a certain amount of weight, or I get to have sex with another woman of my choice.

To celebrate our new deal, I've ordered us in some pizza.
My wife said that she'd got tickets for the boxing at the Commonwealth Games and would I like to go with her?

I told her that if I wanted to watch a load of young men pumped up on drugs beat the shit out of each other, I'd go to Glasgow.
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
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Random 5!

Is it true that Napoleon Bonapart's wife waved him off to war saying, "get blown apart Bonapart"?

Anyway this joke isn't about him, it's about Nelson. See, Nelson's on his ship in the channel. One day, he goes up on deck and takes his telescope out to scan the horizon. There he sees a Spanish ship! "Hardy!" the great man calls to his trusty second in command, "go and get my red jacket. I don't want the blood to show."
Hardy gets his red jacket and, sure enough, they sink the Spaniard.
The next morning, Nelson comes up on deck, scans the horizon and spots two Spanish ships! "Hardy!" he calls, "my red jacket please, I do not want the blood to show." And they sink both ships.
The third day, he comes up to find ten Spanish ships! "Hardy!" he calls, "my red jacket once more, for I do not want the blood to show." Needless to say, they sink all ten Spaniards!
The next day, he goes up on deck, looks to the horizon and sees the entire Spanish Armada! He quietly lowers his telescope, and seems to contemplate what he has seen. Hardy is ready to go down for his red jacket and is patiently awaiting the command when Admiral Nelson says, "Hardy, get my brown trousers."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped. I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air.

"Please, please," he begged, "don't let me drop!"

"Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up?" I asked,

"Yes! Yes! Of course I will!" he said.

So I let him go. I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast.
As my flatmate Paddy headed towards the front door this morning, I said to him, "Where the fuck are you going dressed like that?"

"To Dave's fancy dress party," he replied. "I'm a tortoise."

I said, "His party is not until tomorrow night!"

He said, "I know, but I'm a tortoise."
The battery in my wife's dildo ran out last night so we had to do it the old fashioned way.

I've been picking bits of cucumber out my arse all morning.
I walked up to a girl in the pub, and said, "Did it hurt?"

Unimpressed, she said, "What? When I fell from heaven?"

I replied, "No, when you had your penis removed."
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Being English and choosing between Germany and Argentina to win the World Cup is like choosing between the McCanns and Rolf Harris to babysit your kids...
I fucking hate Ed Sheeran, so when he came out on stage at Glastonbury I finished my pint, pissed in it and then threw it at the ginger cunt.

Seemed like a good idea at the time, but my TV's fucked now.
Argentina have put in an appeal to FIFA stating that, on the grounds that the trophy was in Brazil, and Argentina was therefore closer to it than Germany, then it should rightfully be theirs.
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Newest Jokes Today

I've just got back from a 2 day break at a health farm and I feel great.

Who wouldn't after seeing chickens doing press ups, cows lifting weights and a pig running on a treadmill.
As a tribute to Peaches Geldof, there is to be a special edition of her favourite daytime show.

'Stash in the attic' will be screened next Monday.
I woke up in my pyjamas this morning, unshaven and stinking of B.O. Then it dawned one me what had happened the day before:

I'd become a muslim.
Surfing, a sport that looks fun.

But I reckon it's a lot like my sex life.

She lays down, I struggle to get on top, I struggle to stay up, I'm a long way from where she wants to be and after a 100 strokes I'm still no fucking closer, I get a brief ride, end up wet and salty and spend the next 24 hours picking crabs out of my pubes.
When it's freezing cold outside, old-age pensioners get winter fuel payments.

Using the same logic, I'm off to Downing Street to petition for younger people to get beer tokens during all this hot weather.
My wife said, "How come you can remember who scored the winning goal in a cup final from twenty years ago, but you can't remember our wedding anniversary?"

I replied, "Because that goal was a happy moment."
I am amazed that racial indoctrination can be passed down through several generations.
Otherwise, why would Kentucky Fried Chicken be so popular with African Americans?
After all, it has a portrait of a white southern slave owner as it trademark.
A man walks into a library and says, "Alright you fat cunt, I'm looking for a book about Muslims."

"I've never been so offended in my life," says the librarian.

"That's the one," he replies.
If that's Rebecca Adlington AFTER her nose job, then I can only deduce it was done by a Nigerian who took her money then swapped all of her spoons for smaller ones.
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