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I tried to fit 100 police officers into a Mini Cooper.

It was a struggle at first but then I made one a sergeant and the rest crawled up his arse.
A halal only branch of KFC in Birmingham has refused to supply wet wipes. The Daily Mail report this to be due to the alcohol content but a restaurant spokesman refuted this.

"Wet wipes constitute a wash and that is banned by Islam," he said.
My next door neighbour came round to show me her new baby son.

"You're not comfortable with babies, are you?" she said to me.

"What makes you say that?" I replied, after shaking his hand.
As we approached our new house the dog stiffened and began to whimper.

"What's wrong with Toby daddy?" My daughter asked.

"It's an animal sixth sense," I explained. "They can detect the presence of evil."

"Is the house haunted?" She shivered.

"No," I replied, before turning to my wife. "Love! I think your mother's here already."
"You know, baby.." whispered the wife into my ear after we'd made love, "you make every time feel like it's the first time."

"Wow, thanks." I replied, "I'm flattered."


"Don't be." She said, "It's because you're shit."
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Random 5!

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence fell... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:
"So, what's it gonna be?"
To which he replied, "Meow!"
The only people who complain about the 'stupid' foreigners taking our jobs, are the people who consider them competition... should have tried a bit harder in school eh?
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Hottest Jokes This Week

A Muslim schoolgirl is complaining that she has been excluded from her Camden school for wearing a veil.

Ironically, if she lived in a Muslim country she could wear a veil to her heart's content, she just wouldn't be allowed to go to school.
57% of the British public back military air strikes against IS targets in Syria and Iraq.

The other 43% of the British public are Muslim.
I was awoken early by two coppers knocking on my door, they said "There's been a serious crime in the area and we are just looking for leads."

I replied "It's near Bradford, now fuck-off you pair of cunts!"
Two unicorns walked on the beach, right up to the water's edge, looking at the boat sailing off in the distance.

One said to the other, "Oh, shit, was that today?"
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Sure, white people can't say the "n word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."
I don't know why people keep getting worked up about immigration..

All my neighbours are English
All the kids in the local school are English
All the local shops are owned and run by English people

I love it here in Spain.
A Muslim schoolgirl is complaining that she has been excluded from her Camden school for wearing a veil.

Ironically, if she lived in a Muslim country she could wear a veil to her heart's content, she just wouldn't be allowed to go to school.
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Newest Jokes Today

The Cash in the attic expert looked at my painting and said,"Well well well,have you ever dreamt about quitting your job and moving to Spain?"

"Yes,all the time." I said excitedly.

He replied," Well keep on dreaming mate,this is worth fuck all."

Bastard.
Armed robbery on a bank.

It can provide a life of luxury and relaxation, never having to worry about money, food, bills or amenities again.

And that's just if you get caught.
I realised I should probably smoke less weed.

After I tried to leave my house through my mirror, but some cunt kept getting in my way.
My sex life is a bit like my karaoke ability.

Despite begging me to stop I carry on until I've finished.
It has just occurred to me that king Henry the eighth must have been a Muslim......... the clues are all there, his love of beheading, the abolition of a religion, his love of wearing sandals, the dirty beard and his desire to have a young boy.
I just overheard my girlfriend telling her sister that she's taking her retarded boyfriend to the pub tonight.

I can't believe the bitch is cheating on me.
How many Louis van Gaal's does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it in and another to try and explain afterwards why the light still doesn't work!
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