Hottest Jokes Today

My mate said, "Wow, your car looks awesome since you had it lowered!"
"I haven't had it lowered, you cheeky twat!" I replied. "I've just picked my wife up from McDonald's."

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A woman in the pub just came over, screaming in my face:

"You fucking wanker" she said, "you've been calling me a slag."

"Alright, keep your knickers on" I replied.

She seemed surprised, "Knickers?"
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Random 5!

Ah the Duplicate checker is not working...and people seem to be subtly taking advantage of this by posting duplicated jokes.
Rather annoying don't you think, how people just steal credit for other people's jokes?

Anyway,

Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
I was walking through the park yesterday evening, swigging a can of beer. I walked past a woman who shouted, "You shouldn't be drinking in the park, you fucking idiot."

I said, "I can't believe you just spoke to me like that, do you know who I am?"

She answered, "No, I fucking don't!"

So I raped the bitch.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

Yesterday I saw a dishevelled old hairy tramp recycling putrefied rubbish, swearing at strangers and begging for money after his family spent all his on heroin.

I just thought; No, Bob Geldof, I'm not buying your shite record this time.
I was starting my new job at the chemist this morning when some bloke walked in.

"I've got a blocked nose, a sore throat and my head feels like it's going to explode." he said, "Have you got anything?"

I said, "No mate, I feel fine."
Whenever my wife goes to the supermarket I always tell her to park in the disabled space.

After watching her spend 20 minutes trying to reverse into it, nobody is going to question her.
A man in Brussels walks into a library and asks for a book about UKIP.

The librarian says, "Get the fuck out."

The man replies, "That's the one."
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Cheryl Fernandez-Versini has complained to the media that people will always know her as Cheryl Cole, the former wife of a premiership footballer.

That's unfair, because I'll always know her as Cheryl Tweedy, the belligerent slapper convicted of assaulting a toilet cleaner in a Surrey nightclub.
Yesterday I saw a dishevelled old hairy tramp recycling putrefied rubbish, swearing at strangers and begging for money after his family spent all his on heroin.

I just thought; No, Bob Geldof, I'm not buying your shite record this time.
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Newest Jokes Today

I was let down by a pickup line in a club last night:
I walked up to a guy at the bar and said, 'Hey, I'm bisexual, let my buy you a drink and then we can get sexual?'

I was rather disappointed when he turned round and replied, 'No, your bi-curious, you can buy me a drink and then wonder where the fuck I've gone..'
Police pulled me over and said,"Right,we're only gonna ask you once..Do you have any cannabis in your possession?"

"Sure," I replied, "How many bags are you after?"
Gemma Collins is said to be excited about returning to Essex after being offered a new job which will "Pave the way" forward.

A spokesman for Essex County Council said " We are equally excited, as its been over a year now since we have had a working steam roller."
I'd like to congratulate Villa tonight on their 1-1 draw with Southampton.

At least now they have two goals and can bring back their goal of the month competition!
A woman in the pub just came over, screaming in my face:

"You fucking wanker" she said, "you've been calling me a slag."

"Alright, keep your knickers on" I replied.

She seemed surprised, "Knickers?"
Click Here For More From Today