Hottest Jokes Today
My mate said, "Wow, your car looks awesome since you had it lowered!"
"I haven't had it lowered, you cheeky twat!" I replied. "I've just picked my wife up from McDonald's."
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Lewis Hamilton has described winning his second F1 World Championship as 'the best feeling he has ever experienced'.
Which must mean that his girlfriend, Nicole Scherzinger, doesn't do anal.
The UK's first 'poo powered' bus has been involved in an accident in Bristol earlier today.
The bus left the road and plummeted into the river Avon - luckily it was a floater.
I was on a date with a girl last night when I asked, "Can you give yourself oral sex?"
"No." she replied, "Can you do it?"
I said, "Yes, take your knickers off."
I said to my mate, "I'm trying to find out what the French phrase 'bonne chance' means."
He said, "Good luck."
I said, "Shouldn't be too hard, I'll just Google it."
Bob Geldof has urged people who bought Band Aid 30 to delete it and download it again.
Well I'm halfway there already.
I've just heard a rumour that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West will call little North's future brother John.
Smells a bit fishy if you ask me
I never listen to people properly.
The doctor says it's because I've got 80HD.
Nice to see Lewis's girlfriend kissing his helmet.
And his brother licking his visor
A woman in the pub just came over, screaming in my face:
"You fucking wanker" she said, "you've been calling me a slag."
"Alright, keep your knickers on" I replied.
She seemed surprised, "Knickers?" Click Here For More From Today