Hottest Jokes Today

So apparently many Christians are in an uproar over the movie Noah, claiming they made too much of the plot up. Apparently the fictitious movie about a fictitious story from a fictitious book wasn't historically accurate.

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I was trying to explain to my grandfather how time travel is actually possible, but he's not believing any of it.

He's just as stubborn as his grandfather.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said;

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard!!
I heard a funny noise whilst in bed last night so I jumped up and did all the usual stuff - checked the front door, checked the windows, shot my girlfriend five times, checked the back door.

Turns out there was no one there!
What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman?

Their criminal record.
I see that in Michigan, two people are being sued for $2 million after burning down an apartment complex while cooking a squirrel with a blowtorch.

Now I'm not an accountant, but it sounds like they might not have $2 million.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.
I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said;

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard!!
I heard a funny noise whilst in bed last night so I jumped up and did all the usual stuff - checked the front door, checked the windows, shot my girlfriend five times, checked the back door.

Turns out there was no one there!
What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman?

Their criminal record.
"You can tell a lot about a person by the beer they drink," I said to a bloke at the bar.

"Really?" he replied. "So what can you tell about me?"

"You're a cunt," I said.

"What makes you say that?" he asked.

I said, "That's my beer you're drinking."
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Newest Jokes Today

'Dear Mike

You left your laptop signed in.
Your tweets are not interesting and you follow dull people.

Who the fuck is Stacey? And why is the slag sending you so many facebookmessages?

Your blog sucks, your msn is full of whores and all your sicki pedia jokes are terrible!

I'm leaving you'

'Dear Kate

What the fuck?!

Even the ones about Oscar Pistorius?'
"University of life" under education on Facebook.

Because life has taught you quick ways to let people know you are a cunt.
I was in the pub with my mate:

"My wife's away on business in Albuquerque," I said. "And she's been involved in an accident."

"What happened?" he replied.

"She skidded round a corner," I said. "And ploughed into the film set of a major crime drama."

He said, "Breaking Bad?"

"That's right," I said. "And her steering's awful too."
After taking a crap the other day, I realised I had no toilet paper. I then spotted a copy of The Sun on the floor, so I picked it up and was just about to get a page to wipe with, but then I thought; is wiping my arse with shit really a good idea?
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