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I watched this homeless tramp with a twig and a bit of string with a bent hook on the end pull fish after fish out of the canal and them throw them back,

"That's amazing, " I said, "why don't you keep some for food? "

"Fish I can get anytime, " he said, "it's that fucking mattress I'm after. "
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Random 5!

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Hottest Jokes This Week

The Italian film industry is reportedly set to make a follow up to the 1992 film White Men Can't Jump.

Black Men Can't Swim.
I invited my Muslim neighbours round to sit in the garden for a BBQ.

Half way through, I informed the husband that his wife had been unfaithful to him with lots of men.

She hadn't but I needed the rockery moving.
In an attempt to promote peace the Catholic church and Muslims have agreed to practice each others religions for a month.

Unfortunately it was a failure. The Muslims didn't like sex with the choirboys and the priests didn't like sex with nine year old girls.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

A Muslim walked into my Adult Learning Centre this morning.

"Hello there." I said to him. "You need help with your reading, don't you?"

"Yes, yes I do." He said. "How could you tell?"


"Because the sign on the door says No Pakis."
Now listen carefully Bond...

This may look like a credit card, but in fact this card will unlock the doors of opportunities no matter your skills, anytime you don't get your own way simply show this, we call it the "Race card".
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Newest Jokes Today

ELECTION TIME, ELECTION TIME, ELECTION TIME.
No, I'm not going on about the up and coming result's on may the 7th.
I'm just watching a Chinese porn film.
A womans body was found dismembered in a flat in Wales. The family are in bits.
I remember as a kid i loved Star Wars and was always pretending to be a Jedi in the school playground.
One day the school bully approached me as i play. "I'm gonna smash your stupid face in" he yelled at me.
Remembering the way of the Jedi i replied "IF YOU STRIKE ME DOWN, I SHALL BECOME MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE."

20 years on i have just awoken from the coma.
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said,
"Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "Please, you can't do this, I'm a congressman!"
The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, " Are you seriously hurt?"

"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer."
I was in a furniture store today when i asked the assistant, "What kind of filling does this quilt cover have"?
She replied, "Duck down sir."
So i bent my knees and squatted, And looking up to her said, "What kind of filling does this quilt cover have"?
The election time is a lot like visiting a brothel.

You know it's full of greedy cunts who are ready to fuck you for money. In the end, you have no choice but to choose one.
I watched this homeless tramp with a twig and a bit of string with a bent hook on the end pull fish after fish out of the canal and them throw them back,

"That's amazing, " I said, "why don't you keep some for food? "

"Fish I can get anytime, " he said, "it's that fucking mattress I'm after. "
I was checking in my luggage at the airport.

"You can't take that with you," the bloke said, "It's too heavy."

"I think we can carry up to 30 kilos," I said, "And my bag only weighs 20 kilos."

"I know," he said, "I was talking about your fat wife."
Nigel Farage says he doesn't want Romanians as neighbours.

And he calls himself British? The rest of us don't even talk to our fucking neighbours.
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