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The Metropolitan Police is paying 425 grand to a woman whose child was fathered by a man she did not know was an undercover police officer.

I thought it was Amnesty International who got all of the money from the secret policeman's balls.
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Random 5!

Got talking to a Chinese girl at Uni the other day, she was saying how almost every single piece of clothing she owns was hand-made by her own grandmother.

She didn't laugh when I said that she'd probably made a fair few of mine too.
I'm not sure what I find more disturbing, my mum being so adamant that my sister's a lesbian,

or my dad winking while he says, "She's not, son...

...Trust me!"
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Hottest Jokes This Week

A Muslim was arguing with me about how pigs were disgusting creatures and a health risk to all people.

"Do you think so Mohammed? " I said. "I've never yet seen one explode. "
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Hottest Jokes This Month

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement.

It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night.
"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.
The South African justice system really is something else.

I wouldn't be surprised if Reeva Steenkamp's parents end up having to pay for a new bathroom door.
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Newest Jokes Today

In Scotland , the drink-drive limit is to be reduced from one and a half pints of lager to less than a pint.

This is expected to be observed by the 1 in 1000 Scots who were not actually in the pub , when the Friday night announcement was made.
David Cameron is angry at the sudden presentation of a £1.7 billion bill to the UK by the EU.

He went on to say ''I am not paying that bill on 1st December. It is not happening''

He'll be paying it on the 2nd instead.
A double decker bus was stolen today and taken for drive in south-east London before being dumped at a bus stop with over £500 worth of damages.

Sounds like an average days work for a London bus driver.
I pulled a moonie in church last Sunday.

I would have preferred a catholic but a fuck's a fuck.
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