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I know it's normal for towns to name places to reflect their heritage, but I think it's a bit much for Manchester to have Bury, Rusholme and Hyde.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

My daughter asked me if she could hire a limo to take her to her prom and for some money to buy a copy of her yearbook.

"Hold on," I said. "I just need to consult the Atlas."

"How's that gonna help?" she asked.

"It's not," I said. "I just want to confirm that I'm still living in fucking Britain."
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Hottest Jokes This Month

The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.
I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said;

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard!!
I heard a funny noise whilst in bed last night so I jumped up and did all the usual stuff - checked the front door, checked the windows, shot my girlfriend five times, checked the back door.

Turns out there was no one there!
What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman?

Their criminal record.
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Newest Jokes Today

I went to see my doctor this morning.

"Some bastard decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged.

"So why are you telling me?" he asked.

"I can't understand the writing," I replied, "Was it you?"
I dont believe that ufo's are from outer space, my belief is that they are highly and truly terrestrial.

As a matter of fact i think they are extra terrestrial.
I met this woman in the pub and she said her name was Carmen.

I said "why are you called Carmen?"

"Because I like cars and I like men," she replied, "what's your name?"

"Lager-Fanny," I replied.
Manchester United's owners, the Glazers, have denied knowing nothing about football, reminding us that they took advice from Fergie before appointing David Moyes.

Following his disastrous tenure, however, they have confirmed they won't be consulting her about the next manager.
Former Eastenders actress Hetti Bywater (Lucy Beale) has said that leaving the show has been incredibly difficult, life changing and hopefully fulfilling as she wishes to pursue her main goal in life.... to eat a full meal.
TV > Soap
My father never had much time for me as a child due to the family Kayak business he dedicated his life too. I remember an emotional and rare moment once when we hiked together through the mountain forest near our home, he stood next too me, took in the dramatic view, places his arm around me and said "son, one day all this could be oars"
Paddy said to Mick, "Do you know Mick, my son's teacher had the cheek to tell me that my son isn't very bright?"

Mick replied, "So what did you do, Paddy?"

Paddy said, "I bought him a UV vest."
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