Hottest Today
(10 of 535)
I've strapped a lawnmower engine to a cardboard box and managed to get the DVLA to register it.
Time to find out whether those cunts really do buy any car.
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It never occurred to me that B&Q selling 'brilliant white' paint could be considered racist until I noticed the 'thieving bastard black' paint at the other end of the aisle.
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My wife has been cooking for 12 hours straight today ...
On reflection, I should have found a quicker way to dispose of the body...
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I was walking the dog in the park earlier,
Ended up raping and murdering an old woman,
I'm only kidding.
I don't have a dog.
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My wife thought my sexual fantasy of shagging Pamela Anderson was quite normal.
But Pamela is the milf at work and her son has just turned 18.
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My girlfriend is in tears, her rabbit just died.
Ironically, my mouse did at the same time.
Which is why I needed the batteries from her rabbit.
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My girlfriend's really obsessed with What Katie Did Next on ITV2, following uber-famous Jordan and her career.
I'm still trying to figure out what Katie did first.
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I was bored earlier, so I made a little house out of 39 playing cards.
It would've been bigger, but a council housing scheme had awarded all the spades tenancy.
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I'm going to have a bet on the races today.
Whites to win.
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I've given my knob the name: the traffic.
This way I don't have to lie when I say I'm leaving work early to beat the traffic.
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More from today.
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Hottest This Week
(10 of lots)
Some bloke at a bus stop earlier hit me on the legs with a stick for no reason.
Naturally, I retaliated and beat the living shit out of him.
Just for good measure, I kicked his Labrador as well.
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My girlfriend told me I suffer from a lack of imagination.
I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination".
That showed her.
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Isn't it discrimination that Gingers can only use two lifelines in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
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I am absolutely useless at everything I ever do.
That's why I killed myself last night.
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My wife misunderstands Mother's Day.
She is not my fucking mother and if our 2 year old daughter doesn't love her enough to go out and buy her a present it's not my problem.
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If at first you don't succeed...
Try doing it the way your Husband told you.
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I heard on the news that David Beckham is going to miss the World Cup.
Can't he Sky+ it?
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I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane.
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My mate just texted me by accident wishing me a happy Mother's Day.
Fortunately, she stayed over last night so I could pass the message on for him.
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All my black jokes were voted down today.
They were rather amusing so I didn't know what I was doing wrong.
Then I realised I've posted all jokes between 9 am and 5 pm.
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More from this week.
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Hottest This Month
(10 of lots)
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And then God created Saturn... And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
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The Winter Olympics.
Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.
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I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way.
Through the driver's door.
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Opinions are like orgasms.
Mine's more important and I don't give a fuck if she has one.
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I'm a woman, and I'm tired of you all claiming that men are smarter than women.
My husband has finally proven you all wrong.
He texted me just before - "Jane my little blonde bunny I cannot wait to have a night of loving tonight! Hope you're ready for the best sex you've ever had ;). xxx"
What an idiot. First of all, my name is Sarah, secondly I'm brunette, and thirdly he's away at a conference tonight!
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My girlfriend and I went to a restaurant for dinner. It was a nice meal and we were ordering dessert.
I asked the waiter how much the pie was.
"£3.14 sir," he replied.
"That's funny," I chuckled.
"What's that sir?" He asked.
"That Down's syndrome boy just tried to hug a heater and burnt himself."
We both had a good laugh.
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I saw this guy in an Italian restaurant ordering pizza in fluent Italian. The waiter seemed to appreciate his willingness to accept their culture.
So, I tried the same thing in our local Chinese restaurant.
I squinted my eyes and shouted, "Harro! Spesha frah raice prease!" But instead of showing appreciation, they took the upturned prawn-cracker basket from my head and told me to get out.
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Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year.
It's called the iRon.
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My wife caught me on Pornhub so she stripped naked, and asked me to act out a scene with her. It was my ultimate fantasy.
I was hammering away when this bloke tapped me on my shoulder.
"Excuse me mate," he said. "Do you want to get ripped in four weeks?"
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Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.
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More from this month.
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Newest Today
(30 of 535)
Remember when you first discovered wanking.
That weekend flew by, didn't it?
Well you know what they say ...
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Due to the "Great Firewall" in China you can't search for "Charter 08", "Falun Gong" or "Xinjiang".
The Chinese must also be censoring me because I have never searched for any of these.
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I just had to break up with my girlfriend because of her Cleft palate..
She wouldn't shut her mouth.
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I love it when they say, "Do not try this at home." It keeps everything in perspective and you live longer.
I've got one for Christopher Reeves, "Do not believe everything you read in comic books." Superman, you're only human after all.
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Im so glad that little child has been found safe
I mean Peter Barlow's son off Coronation Street, Not that paki cunt
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Some people are born athletes. Like your sister, for example. Ok, so she's a bit fat. But i think she should seriously have a go for the Olympics.
In the 48kg snatch.
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Did you hear about the Chinese man murdered in the storage cupboard?
He was taken by supplies.
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I just saw a snail sitting in the drivers seat of a car with a big 'S' painted on the side.
All of a sudden it sped off down the road.
And i thought "Fuck me, look at that S car go !
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In the South Africa World Cup I'm just going to support who I think has the most chance of taking the cup.
The child soldiers of Sierra Leone.
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It was when I found myself spray painting the word, "Duplicunt" over the door of the reprographics office during my lunch hour, that I realised that I've been spending too much time on Sickipedia.
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My dad always said fight fire with fire.
I guess that's why they kicked him out of the Fire Brigade.
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Why can't Maddie hear my jokes about her?
I sound proofed my basement.
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Anyone else notice that Oprah doesn't have a diet book in that club of hers?
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So there is the new drug on the market today, mephedrone, that is used as plant food, and has to packaged as that other wise it's illegal.
So which clever cunt decided to sniff plant food for fuck sake?
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I bought myself some Bermuda shorts but they've disappeared.
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facebook are now gonna add a panic button for people who you think are paedophiles, we had a nice run boys, see you in prison!
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I made a big mistake when I murdered my wife this morning.
Friday night is darts night and I haven't got any shirts ironed.
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Government health advert says if you drink two pints of strong cider a day you treble the risk of mouth cancer, high blood pressure and heart attacks.
Well I drink twelve pints a day, thank fuck it's only Stella.
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P.I.M.P
Player In Management Position.
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News Headline
" P.Diddy interested in buying Crystal Palace"
Bet you, he thinks his gonna score big on the property market
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I found out i have paki blood!!!!! but its ok its only on the front bumper
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My ex-girlfriend had really small tits.
She wasn't a bappy honey.
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They say romance is dead these days.
Romance isn't dead, men broke it, and women are there to clean it up afterwords.
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Gave blood for the first time today. Always wanted to know what my blood type is too. Wasn't expecting 40% vol.
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Top tip: If you`re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........Wish me luck I appear in court next Monday.
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I've just had an anti-climax.
I fucked my Mums sister.
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Can anybody help me on FarmVille?
I need some binbags, a spade, a chainsaw, two rolls of gaffer tape and a van.
No questions asked.
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More from today.
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