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The boys and I are going out as the England Rugby team for Halloween.

We're not dressing up, we're just going out early.
Blatter and Platini have both been suspended by FIFA for ninety days.

Which, under the FIFA constitution, entitles them to a five hundred thousand Euro suspension allowance.
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Random 5!

Seven Englishman and an Irishman are in a rape line up....

The victim walks in and Paddy steps forward and shouts, "That's her, the miserable frigid fucker!"
I was serving this smug cunt in a suit in Burger King when he asked, "So, do you enjoy your job then?"

"Yeah, it's ok," I replied.

He said, "I'm designing a robot that, in years to come, will take your place."

"Yeah? Good luck teaching it how to spit," I said, handing over his burger.
The wife and I had been thinking that it was about time that we told our teenage son that he was adopted. We sat him down and I said, "Son, there is something that your mother and I want to say and I want you to know this is the hardest thing we've ever had to do."

He said, "I know what you're going to say... It's true, I'm gay."

I said, "Well, thanks for making what I'm about to do a fucking pleasure."
Teacher: "Good morning children, each Thursday we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish wag) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff an' that. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come ahead ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said 'Don't ask what Your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.

Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front.

Teacher: "Yes, Jeremy"

Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy his inauguration speech in 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined.

Teacher: "Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?'"

Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know, Me Miss, me Miss!"

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."

Timothy (in a very, very posh, English accent):

"The answer is Winston Churchill, his 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.
He's coiled in his wee plastic chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"

Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Miss, me miss, meeeeee!"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front: "Yes Rupert."

Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, the first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday"

Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming: "Fur fucks sake, where did all these English bastards come from?"

Teacher, looking round the class: "Who said that?"

Wee Jock grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Sir William Wallace, Battle of Falkirk, July 1298, See yous on fook'in Tuesday!!"
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I turned to my colleague and asked, "Can you smell burning?"

23 years we've worked together at the Crematorium and that joke never gets old.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

I think I've worked out why only nine people have made donations to the National Sperm Bank...

It's probably because these days most people do their banking online.
I got fired on my first day as a bingo caller, I think some members complained of my inappropriate bingo lingo...

In particular...

"If there's hair on the muff, then fair enough, 15."
Jesus gets credit for feeding five thousand people with a few fishes and loaves of bread.

But Walkers Crisps manage to spread one potato across five thousand packets.
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Newest Jokes Today

Jurgen Klopp used to have the 'Yellow Wall'.

Now he's going to have small pieces of red wall instead.

Under his car, where the wheels used to be.
A black man walks into the doctor's surgery with a parrot on his head.
The doctor says "how can I help You".
The parrot says "can you get this black head out of my foot?"
"Nice try BBC, letting a British muslim win the 'Great British Bake Off' to make it PC.... But I still think their kids will grow up enjoying making bombs rather than cakes?"
I was recently organising a charity football match for terminally ill children and they were really taking the piss out of me for the way I was dressed. One bald kid in particular was laughing his head off, he came up to me and started pointing at my Brighton football shirt and smugly said "You ain't got no history".
To which I replied, "I'd rather have no history than no future". Little Cunt.
Guy at station dressed in rags asking anyone passing by if they've got some spare words from God for him

Beggars belief
I was cleaning the toilets in the Manchester conference center when I saw a phone number offering gay sex on the wall. Well I had to ring as I enjoy a little bum fun, imagine my surprise when Jeremy Corbyn answered.

I guess David Cameron really does hate him after all.
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