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Hot jokes today (10 of 107)

Jade Goody has cancer, and she claims that she is worried that hair loss might ruin her looks.

Nice to see she hasn't lost her sense of humour.

Joke by lionarse, in Celebrity and news events > Jade Goody - Tagged jade goody , cancer , ugly - Current Score: 229 - Added: 23 hours ago

Stephen Hawking has written another book. It's about time.

Joke by bawbag, in Celebrity and news events > Stephen Hawking - Tagged stephen hawking , book , time - Current Score: 168 - Added: 21 hours ago

Judging by half the jokes on Sickipedia, it seems a bit fucking ironic to take the piss out of Gary Glitter!

He's living your dreams!

Joke by geebee, in Celebrity and news events > Gary Glitter - Tagged piss taking , gary glitter , paedophilia - Current Score: 129 - Added: 22 hours ago

I'm sure that, like me, you are very proud of our Olympic cycling gold medal winners. Truly, they are sporting heroes who have done wonders for British sport.

I can't wait for them to return home, when they will once again become wankers in Spandex who clog up the roads and get in the way of cars.

Joke by lionarse, in Celebrity and news events > Olympics - Tagged olympics , cycling , britain , wankers , cars , bike - Current Score: 122 - Added: 23 hours ago

Following the shocking news that Jade Goody has cancer there has been a plea for suitable donors of Bone Marrow to come forward, as this could save her life.

Alternatively, you could just donate it it to my dog- he is a bit peckish.

Please, make the right choice.

Joke by lionarse, in Celebrity and news events > Jade Goody - Tagged jade goody , cancer , dog - Current Score: 119 - Added: 23 hours ago

Try saying 'halal meat' without sounding like a Geordie greeting someone.

Joke by bighairybollocks, in Religion and racism > Geordies - Tagged geordie , halal meat , newcastle , dialects , howay the lads - Current Score: 113 - Added: 21 hours ago

I was sitting on the settee watching a soppy film with my girlfriend. She was lying with her head in my lap.

Overcome with emotion after the film, she said, "give me a kiss dear."

I said, "if I could reach down that far to kiss you, why would I need you in the first place?"

Joke by marley, in Sex and shit > Girlfriend - Tagged ed byrne , edinburgh fringe - Current Score: 64 - Added: 13 hours ago

After serving his two year sentence, Gary Glitter has finally been released from prison in Vietnam. Upon his release, he has been quoted as saying, "I am now able to go back to the UK if I choose, but there is nothing stopping me coming and going where I please."

Gary, Gary, Gary, it's thinking like that which got you into all this trouble in the first place...

Joke by barnsleyben, in Celebrity and news events > Gary Glitter - Tagged gary glitter - Current Score: 49 - Added: 21 hours ago

A guy at the doctor's surgery.

"I'm sorry to tell you this, Mr Smith, but you have contracted AIDS by sexual intercourse."

"Fucking hell, Doc, you can't even trust your own kids these days!"

Joke by andykg, in Illness and mortality > AIDS - Tagged aids , kids - Current Score: 41 - Added: 13 hours ago

I was leaving a public toilet yesterday when an American said, "Gee, I noticed you didn't wash your hands. In the States, we're taught to always wash our hands after going to the bathroom."

I replied "In the UK, they teach us not to piss on our hands."

Joke by bawbag, in Sex and shit > Piss - Tagged american , piss - Current Score: 35 - Added: 23 hours ago

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Hot jokes this week (3 of 466)

I'm one of those people that likes to have a shit while I'm reading.

This is also the reason why I'm banned from Waterstones.

Joke by Aspen, in Sex and shit > Shit - Tagged shit , reading , waterstones - Current Score: 419 - Added: 5 days ago

I lost my virginity to a retard last night... I wanted my first time to be special.

Joke by M.S, in Illness and mortality > Down Syndrome - Tagged retard , retarded , sex , virginity , special - Current Score: 404 - Added: 4 days ago

Jade Goody has cancer, and she claims that she is worried that hair loss might ruin her looks.

Nice to see she hasn't lost her sense of humour.

Joke by lionarse, in Celebrity and news events > Jade Goody - Tagged jade goody , cancer , ugly - Current Score: 229 - Added: 23 hours ago

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Hottest Ever (3 of 11586)

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Joke by Nangleberry Keen, in Sex and shit > Rape - Tagged gang rape , statistics , 9 , 10 , rape - Current Score: 4601 - Added: 9 months ago

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

Joke by ht, in Illness and mortality > suicide - Tagged library , fuck off , suicide , tim , vine , tim vine - Current Score: 3339 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

Joke by bobbydgg, in Sex and shit > Domestic Violence - Tagged mood , swings , wife , beat , ring , abuse - Current Score: 3224 - Added: 9 months ago

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ht - 35574, pornstar - 22786, bobbydgg - 20255, mickle - 14441, niggers out - 13106, maxmoore - 11768, bleary - 11613

Newest jokes (10 of 11586)

After last night I will never go down on another bird again.

I nearly choked on a feather.

Joke by itchyanus, in Sex and shit > Bestiality - Tagged bird , oral sex - Current Score: 1 - Added: 25 seconds ago

What was Hitler's least favorite planet?

Jupiter.

Joke by laughaway, in Religion and racism > Hitler - Tagged hitler - Current Score: -3 - Added: 5 minutes ago

Cervical cancer is the second most common cancer in women.

Jade Goody has amazingly taken one step up the social ladder.

Joke by itchyanus, in Celebrity and news events > Jade Goody - Tagged jade goody , cervical cancer , die bitch die - Current Score: 1 - Added: 9 minutes ago

The reason that Britians 400m Gold winner Christine Ohuruogu failed her initial steroids drug test was because she couldn't fit her cock in the top of the sample bottle.

Joke by HoofHearted, in Celebrity and news events > Olympics - Tagged 400m , drugs , shemale - Current Score: -1 - Added: 10 minutes ago

People might laugh at synchronised swimming in the Olympics but if there are any other ways to plausibly imagine that you're watching hot lesbian sex between identical twins on the internet at work, I don't know what they are.

Joke by oxbridge, in Celebrity and news events > Olympics - Tagged synchronised , swimming , olympics , lesbian , twins - Current Score: -2 - Added: 11 minutes ago

Why do most Lesbians look like 80's Darts Players?

Joke by whogivesashit, in Sex and shit > Lesbian - Tagged darts , eric bristowe , 1980s - Current Score: -1 - Added: 12 minutes ago

peeps got buried to -5. Reveal Joke

bicycle day got buried to -6. Reveal Joke

One morning Little Johnny was doing his paper round and collecting the money off the customers.

At the house of Mrs Jones she asked him how much she owed.

"Five pounds fifty please".

"Johnny", purrs Mrs Jones whilst slipping her dressing gown off her shoulders and showing off the top of her big tits, "I'm short of money this week. I don't suppose there is any other way I can pay you"?

Johnny giver her a knowing grin and says "Sure Mrs Jones", and whips his cock out.

Mrs Jones' eyes pop out of her head and says "Wow Johnny I've never seen such a big dick before, it must be at least 10'".

"10.5' actually", replies Johnny as he takes six big washers out of his pocket and slips them all over his massive cock.

"What are you doing", whines Mrs Jones, "I can take it all".

"Not for five pounds fifty you can't", Johnny tells her.

Joke by daddycool1981, in Sex and shit > Big Cocks - Tagged little johnny - Current Score: -2 - Added: 44 minutes ago

Mightyboosh got buried to -8. Reveal Joke

Hot jokes THIS MONTH (5 of 1593)

If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food.

Joke by tgs, in Religion and racism > Vegetarian - Tagged god , made , animals , food , fuck you veggies , awkward fuckers , make your own dinner - Current Score: 898 - Added: 3 weeks ago

Why did the Prophet Mohammed marry a six-year-old?

Because he was a paedophile.

Joke by tgs, in Religion and racism > Muslim - Tagged mohammed , paedophile , muslim , paedo , six year old , married , its funny cos its true , islam , aisha , aisha was her name dickheads - Current Score: 831 - Added: 3 weeks ago

I just read this joke on Sickipedia by adam6177:

"I just don't get it, everyone goes on about David Beckham being thick...... but no cunt says anything about Stephen Hawking being shit at football, do they?!"

Give credit where it's due, mate - he's great at dribbling.

Joke by ReigatePen, in Celebrity and news events > Stephen Hawking - Tagged stephen hawking , sickipedia - Current Score: 731 - Added: 2 weeks ago

I just ended a long-term relationship today.

I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.

Joke by slider1874, in Jokes with no home > Girlfriend - Tagged relationship , break up , girlfriend , cheating , affair , uncaring , jim jeffries , screwing around - Current Score: 707 - Added: 3 weeks ago

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

Joke by MICK THE MAG, in Jokes with no home > Dwarfs - Tagged dwarf , pickpocket , little shit - Current Score: 655 - Added: 1 week ago

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Random Jokes (3 of 3)

Give a man a fire and you keep him warm for a day.

Set a man on fire and you keep him warm for the rest of his life!

Joke by jeremyclockson, in Jokes with no home > Advice - Tagged fire , give , warm - Current Score: 11 - Added: 8 months ago

Wayne Rooney is pleased to announce that he's signed up for a five book deal.........That's an awful lot of crayons he's gonna get through.

Joke by CUTTSY, in Celebrity and news events > Wayne Rooney - Tagged wayne , rooney , crayons - Current Score: 37 - Added: 5 months ago

A man awakes, after being in a coma for 2 weeks, to see a doctor at the end of his bed. His doctor tells him, "well.. we have some good news and some bad news."
The patient asks for the bad news first.
The doctor tells, "you've been in a terrible accident and have lost both of your legs knee down."
The patient in obvious distress asks, "what the hell is the good news?"

The doctor replies, "the man next door wants to buy your shoes."

Joke by jmtRyan, in Illness and mortality > Car Crash - Tagged no legs - Current Score: 6 - Added: 2 months, 27 days ago

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