Hottest Jokes Today

The Great British Bake-Off host, Sue Perkins, has suffered with a brain tumour for the last eight years which has "stopped me having a baby."


I'm no brain surgeon, Sue, but I think not liking cock played more of a part.

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2nd September 1666. The great fire of London leaves most areas black.

2nd September 2015. Londoners have moved, leaving most areas black.
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Random 5!

A city banker has just lost billions, the bank is just about to fold, thousands of people will be laid off and the country could be plunged into a recession, all because of him. He's sitting at his desk on the 37th floor and he decides there is nothing else for it. He opens the window, looks down at the pavement below and is just about to jump when a voice shouts, "Stop!" He looks around to see the oldest, dirtiest woman he's ever seen standing in the doorway.
"I am your fairy godmother, and I can get you out of this mess on one condition."
"Go on," he says.
I can put all the money back in the bank, I can undo all that has gone wrong, but there is one thing you must do first."
"Okay" says the banker, thinking he'd do anything. "What do I have to do?"
"I'll wave my magic wand and right all your wrongs," she says, "but first you have to make love to me."
And, with that, the dirty hag rips off all her clothes. Her tits reach her belly, her belly reaches past her fanny, her skanky skinny butt hangs over her thighs, which sag over her knees. Her skin is grey from dirt and there is a disgusting smell coming from somewhere. The banker starts to heave, but thinks, "Oh well, if it'll get me out of trouble?" so he pushes her back over his desk. She opens her legs and he discovers where the smell is coming from. Her fanny hair is matted with filth, her fanny itself is covered in scabs and the whole thing smells like a fish market. "This is not going to be easy," thinks the banker, but he closes his eyes and remembers his lovely wife. Then he thinks about his secretary, the kids' teachers, the receptionist, and after a while he is able to close his eyes, gets used to the smell, and gets wood. He mounts up and starts banging the dirty old wrinkly fairy for all he's worth
Looking down, he sees the old woman staring up at him with a half smile on her face. "What?" he asks her.
"Oh nothing," she says. "It's just, I was just thinking, aren't you a bit old to believe in fairies? I'm the cleaner."
I was text-cheating on my wife and accidentally sent one of the messages to her.

Took me some explaining on how I couldn't wait to suck her cock.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I crossed the road without looking yesterday and a Scouser on a bicycle swerved to avoid me and went straight into a lamp post. The poor guy had two broken ribs and a concussion.

On the bright side, I got my bike back.
The Great British Bake-Off host, Sue Perkins, has suffered with a brain tumour for the last eight years which has "stopped me having a baby."


I'm no brain surgeon, Sue, but I think not liking cock played more of a part.
To put Britains immigration crisis into perspective in order for Cameron to keep his promise to cut net migration to the tens of thousands he is going to need 3,240 refrigerated lorries.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour. On my last two dates, the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex.

Not sure of the brand but it had a distinct sharp, peppery smell.
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Newest Jokes Today

The parents of the little Syrian boy found dead on the Turkish beach are said to be devastated following the discovery of his body.

They've employed Gerry and Kate McCann to help ensure their other kids don't get found when they dump them in the ocean
Hundreds of Syrian refugees are stuck at a railway station in Hungary despite having tickets to travel and assurances from the German government that they would be given asylum.

Maybe the Germans could send a special train to collect them?

After all, they have had plenty of experience with that solution.
I walked up to a guy in the street, and asked, "Have you seen my daughter? She's been missing since yesterday," then showed him a photo.

Confused, he said, "That's just a picture of an empty chair."

"I know, mate," I replied. "I just told you she's fucking missing!"
I went for a job interview the other day. One of the questions I was asked was "what is your motto?"

"Whatever you do, never quit" I replied.

Today I received a letter. "Dear Sir, unfortunately your application for the position of manager of the Stop Smoking campaign was unsuccessful."
I walked into the house and said, "Hello gorgeous," gave her a big kiss and started rubbing my hands all over her body.

"Oh, for God's sake, give it a rest!" yelled my wife.

"Shut up," I replied, "you'll frighten the new puppy."
My wife has gone away for the week, so I decided I was going to sample a different steak every night for tea. Last night I had Rib-eye...

Tonight I had toast, 'cause I couldn't be arsed to clean the frying pan.
I've always thought the only design flaw with the male body was the position of the testicles.
It's odd how these delicate and sensitive organs are not safely tucked away in our bodies, but hanging on the outside at a vulnerable level.


So it's a fucking good job they're well protected by half a millimetre of slightly wrinkled flesh packed with nerve endings.
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