Hottest Jokes Today

George Osborne saw a little old lady struggling with two heavy bags of shopping,

"You shouldn't be struggling with those two bags of shopping, let me help," he said.

So he halved her pension so she could only afford one in future.

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My boss called me into his office. "Why do you spend such a lot of time in the toilet?" he asked.

"I'm a slow reader," I said.
Oil is formed when dead bodies decompose under pressure over long periods of time.

So a million years from now, America will be invading Iraq to obtain the remains of the people they blew up the last time they went there to steal all the oil.
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Random 5!

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.

They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

- - -

Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

Depends how much you've been drinking.

- - -

I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the rail-road tracks (Sweden)?

Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

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Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

What did your last slave die of?

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Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

- - -

Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

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Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

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Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

- - -

Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

You are a British politician, right?

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Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

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Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

- - -

I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

- - -

I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

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Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

Yes, gay night clubs.

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Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

Only at Christmas.

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I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)

Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

- - -

Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great!" I thought. "First day in here and I'm already married."
When I was working at Tesco today, a customer was being rude to me, so I scanned him in the eyes with the barcode reader.

You should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless.
George Osborne saw a little old lady struggling with two heavy bags of shopping,

"You shouldn't be struggling with those two bags of shopping, let me help," he said.

So he halved her pension so she could only afford one in future.
How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will just sit in the dark and demand you accept the light is still on.
Charlotte, on Ch4's Embarrassing Bodies: "I'm getting a really fishy smell from 'down below', and I just don't know what it is."


I'm no gynaecologist love, but I reckon it's your fanny.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Being English and choosing between Germany and Argentina to win the World Cup is like choosing between the McCanns and Rolf Harris to babysit your kids...
This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped. I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air.

"Please, please," he begged, "don't let me drop!"

"Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up?" I asked,

"Yes! Yes! Of course I will!" he said.

So I let him go. I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast.
Argentina have put in an appeal to FIFA stating that, on the grounds that the trophy was in Brazil, and Argentina was therefore closer to it than Germany, then it should rightfully be theirs.
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Newest Jokes Today

My mate and I were walking down the road when a huge hummer sped by us.

"Dave, that looks just like your wife," said my mate, pointing.

"Don't be silly," I laughed. "She's much larger than that."
A really fit girl came up to me at the club last night and said, "Take me back to your place, and I'll jump on your stiffy in a jiffy!"

I replied, "Okay, but couldn't we just use a condom instead?"
I was chatting up this babe in the pub earlier.

It was going pretty well until she took a card out of her handbag. She said, "My Primary 2 class made me this birthday card. Isn't it just adorable?"

I replied, "Fuck me, how many times have you been held back?"
Overheard a conversation next door today with the milf and her friend, just leaving, about off to have 20 minutes with the cucumber on the couch before her husband came home.

Very disappointing when I nipped over the fence and peered through the widow, to find her on the couch fully clothed and two slices on her eyes?
Everytime the Ref gets his white vanishing spray out at a Man City match..

I bet Nasri kneels down, tilts his head back and sticks his tongue out.
As I stood at the bar last night, I handed my sister's ex boyfriend a pint of lager and said, "I bet you can't drink this in under 10 seconds."

"I bet I can." he replied, immediately pouring it down his throat and slamming the glass down, "There you go!"

"Are you feeling strong?" I asked.

"Fuck yeah!" he replied.

"Good," I said, walking away, "Here comes the massive skinhead whose pint it was."
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