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I bought my wife a diamond ring and she promised anal sex in return.

"This wasn't quite what I had in mind," I said, as she introduced me to Paul, her hairdresser.
I was discussing the Oscar Pistorius case with my mate and he said, "I don't buy it. If you woke up in the middle of the night and heard someone moving around in the toilet, what's the first thing you'd do before you started pumping bullets through the door?"

I replied, "Well, first of all I'd make damn sure it was the wife in there."
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Random 5!

When Muslim parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the airplane!" technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosive noises?
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'"
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Hottest Jokes This Week

"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.
A Muslim was arguing with me about how pigs were disgusting creatures and a health risk to all people.

"Do you think so Mohammed? " I said. "I've never yet seen one explode. "
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Hottest Jokes This Month

A Muslim schoolgirl is complaining that she has been excluded from her Camden school for wearing a veil.

Ironically, if she lived in a Muslim country she could wear a veil to her heart's content, she just wouldn't be allowed to go to school.
My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement.

It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night.
The South African justice system really is something else.

I wouldn't be surprised if Reeva Steenkamp's parents end up having to pay for a new bathroom door.
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Newest Jokes Today

As I stood in the queues for the showers at Auschwitz I suddenly thought to myself "this isn't exactly what I Zioned up for"
In America , a newly discovered dead body is known as a John Doe.

Why not call one found over here , a Dan Do ?
I was at a job interview today.

The interviewer asked me, "What would you say is your biggest weakness?"

I said, "I always say what I think."

He said, "And would you consider that a weakness?"

I said, "Yes I would, you ugly cunt."
West Midlands Police are organising a community event this weekend to celebrate Black History Month; it will feature the contribution of the Black and Asian communities to policing in the West Midlands. Speakers will include Satpal Ram who stabbed a man to death in the 'Sky Blue' restaurant, Birmingham in November 1986; queer rapist Qadir Miakhil who was given an 8 year sentence last year, and the gang of black youths who mugged people on Birmingham buses 4 years ago.
My mate said, "Congratulations on your new job! But how did you get it?"

I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus."

He said, "A miracle?"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
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