Hottest Jokes Today

UK Headline:

Black man nearly drowns in local river.

US Headline:

Black man caught stealing water. Shot 4 times.

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Random 5!

My wife told me that her fantasy fuck would be Brad Pitt.

Then she went mental because I told her mine.

Apparently Vicky from next door is neither a celebrity nor thirteen yet.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
I took my son to school for the first time today and I was amazed at the number of mums turning up in four-by-fours. I thought to myself, "They will never use those for off-roading."

Then I saw them trying to park.
The conductor of my wife's lie detector test revealed that my wife had been unfaithful.

"How reliable are these results?" I asked him.

"Very," he replied. "She sucked me off in the car park earlier."
I was lying on the sofa watching the football when my wife knelt beside me, unzipped my jeans, and took my cock in her mouth.

Anyway, one thing led to another ... and it went into extra time and we won on penalties.
UK Headline:

Black man nearly drowns in local river.

US Headline:

Black man caught stealing water. Shot 4 times.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.
Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.
My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.

Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"

I said, "Because we're still in Manchester."
During a job interview yesterday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly.

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.

I replied simply, "No, I always give 110%"
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Newest Jokes Today

No more need for me to be sexually frustrated - I've just discovered that you can poke people on Facebook!
There are two Lions stalking through the Savannah one day.

One Lion turns to the other and says "Hey, why the long face?"

The other Lion turns round and replies "My teeth are paining but I'm too scared to go to the dentist."
How can Severn Trent charge me so much for water?

They could have made millions with all of the sperm I've sent them over the years.
Diego Maradona has took his ex-wife to court over allegations of her stealing 9 Millions Euros of his money.

Its a good job us Brits don't hold grudges, otherwise we'd be saying that the cheating, fat, Argentinian, hand-using, world cup ruining wanker deserved it.
I am a happily married man and I am getting really cheesed off with Facebook sponsored links.

This morning I spotted one with a heading "Golf Partners", it read; 'Play Golf with someone you fancy, have good times on the golf course and afterwards.' The picture by the wording was of a young lady showing off a low cut bra with massive tits. Now, how intrusive and disgusting is that to a happily married man.....

When I clicked on it, I found out she was playing off an 8 handicap, far too good for me.
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