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As the PE lesson was about to start I gave the teacher a note from my dad,

."Ok, James, " she said, "can you please tell your dad that I have a boyfriend and I don't fuck on a first date."
Very sadly, Craig Charles has been forced to exit the Im A Celebrity jungle because of the unfortunate and unexpected death of his brother, Dean. Of which he must return home to be with his family at such a crucial and deeply emotional time for them all.

Meanwhile Gemma Collins left because she wants more food..
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Random 5!

Supposedly Real 911 Calls.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

*********************************************

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a

bite out of it.

Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

*********************************************

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

*********************************************

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

*********************************************

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone North and Foster.

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police
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Hottest Jokes This Week

Yesterday I saw a dishevelled old hairy tramp recycling putrefied rubbish, swearing at strangers and begging for money after his family spent all his on heroin.

I just thought; No, Bob Geldof, I'm not buying your shite record this time.
I tried to download the new Band-Aid song to raise money for victims of the ebola outbreak,

but my anti-virus software wouldn't let me.
I was starting my new job at the chemist this morning when some bloke walked in.

"I've got a blocked nose, a sore throat and my head feels like it's going to explode." he said, "Have you got anything?"

I said, "No mate, I feel fine."
Whenever my wife goes to the supermarket I always tell her to park in the disabled space.

After watching her spend 20 minutes trying to reverse into it, nobody is going to question her.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'

'You're still fucking late' replied my boss.
Cheryl Fernandez-Versini has complained to the media that people will always know her as Cheryl Cole, the former wife of a premiership footballer.

That's unfair, because I'll always know her as Cheryl Tweedy, the belligerent slapper convicted of assaulting a toilet cleaner in a Surrey nightclub.
Yesterday I saw a dishevelled old hairy tramp recycling putrefied rubbish, swearing at strangers and begging for money after his family spent all his on heroin.

I just thought; No, Bob Geldof, I'm not buying your shite record this time.
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Newest Jokes Today

What's the most difficult thing about playing golf with your wife?
Saying, "Nice shot honey..." 250 times.
I called my supervisor to complain about the poor customer service I was providing to people.

He referred the complaint to me and I wrote it off.
Whats the difference between winnie the pooh and justin Bieber?

Oddly it's Winnie the Pooh will be banned from a Polish playground, after being labelled as a half-naked hermaphrodite who is an inappropriate role model to children
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