Hottest Jokes Today

It's been discovered that the moment a child forms the ability to think for themselves, is the exact same moment they're destined never to become a Muslim.

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My girlfriend just got a very interesting fortune cookie:

'Every exit is an entrance to a new experience'

"Wow" she said, "are you thinking what I'm thinking?"


I fucking hope so.
I was telling my colleague at work how I haven't had sex in months.

"I think I may know someone who can help" she said, whilst slowly rubbing her crotch.

After 15 minutes, I thought how much longer do I have to wait for the answer.
According to French police, the man who drove a car into a crowd of people whilst shouting: "Allahu Akbar!" was 'mentally unbalanced'.

Of course he was, he believed in religion.
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Random 5!

A city banker has just lost billions, the bank is just about to fold, thousands of people will be laid off and the country could be plunged into a recession, all because of him. He's sitting at his desk on the 37th floor and he decides there is nothing else for it. He opens the window, looks down at the pavement below and is just about to jump when a voice shouts, "Stop!" He looks around to see the oldest, dirtiest woman he's ever seen standing in the doorway.
"I am your fairy godmother, and I can get you out of this mess on one condition."
"Go on," he says.
I can put all the money back in the bank, I can undo all that has gone wrong, but there is one thing you must do first."
"Okay" says the banker, thinking he'd do anything. "What do I have to do?"
"I'll wave my magic wand and right all your wrongs," she says, "but first you have to make love to me."
And, with that, the dirty hag rips off all her clothes. Her tits reach her belly, her belly reaches past her fanny, her skanky skinny butt hangs over her thighs, which sag over her knees. Her skin is grey from dirt and there is a disgusting smell coming from somewhere. The banker starts to heave, but thinks, "Oh well, if it'll get me out of trouble?" so he pushes her back over his desk. She opens her legs and he discovers where the smell is coming from. Her fanny hair is matted with filth, her fanny itself is covered in scabs and the whole thing smells like a fish market. "This is not going to be easy," thinks the banker, but he closes his eyes and remembers his lovely wife. Then he thinks about his secretary, the kids' teachers, the receptionist, and after a while he is able to close his eyes, gets used to the smell, and gets wood. He mounts up and starts banging the dirty old wrinkly fairy for all he's worth
Looking down, he sees the old woman staring up at him with a half smile on her face. "What?" he asks her.
"Oh nothing," she says. "It's just, I was just thinking, aren't you a bit old to believe in fairies? I'm the cleaner."
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

As a postman, I read the most heart-wrenching letter from a little girl to Santa. How her mummy and daddy had no money and how she only wanted a chocolate bar for Christmas.

Anyway. There was no money in that one so I sealed it and re-posted it.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

If you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison.....Where you can watch TV all day, without needing a licence.
I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"

It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "£100 and it's yours."
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Newest Jokes Today

As joe cocker lay in his hospital bed with all his family standing around him dying from cancer, he tried to make a statement thanking all his fans for giving him a great career in music, but due to his illness his vocal cords were not up to the job, but lucky for him he managed to get his message through with a little help from his friends....
My recently widowed auntie sat me down earlier..

"Dave, it breaks my heart to have to tell you this." She began, tears starting to flow, "But with his last words your uncle confessed to molesting you when you fell asleep on our sofa on your twelfth birthday."

"NO!! That never happened." I yelled.

"I'm truly sorry, but it did." She insisted.


"No it didn't." I said, "I was only resting my eyes."
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