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"Do you know what happens when you die? " this priest said to me,

"Well yes, " I replied, "the kids will argue over my shit, the wife will probably shag my brother again, and everybody who thinks I am a proper cunt will go round telling my family what a great bloke I was. "
I work as a cinema usher and was pleasantly surprised to see that most of the women going to see '50 Shades of Grey' were fat and yet many of them were opting for healthier snacks and had cucumbers/courgettes in their handbags.
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Random 5!

I was trying to pull a girl in a bar, so I asked her 'What part of my body is as long as your thigh, contains over 120 muscles, and is an anagram of "pensi"?'

It was as she pulled my trousers down in the bedroom five minutes later that I revealed the answer was my spine.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

Today's BBC News - 'it is confirmed that three British school girls have now entered Syria'.
Next week's Daily Star - 'it is confirmed that half of Syria have now entered three British school girls'.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists' testicles are aphrodisiacs, within ten years they'll have disappeared...
"There's actually little data to show that Asian children are any smarter than children of other races. It's really just a matter of perception, as I concluded from my research."

Said my Chinese neighbour's three-year-old son.
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Newest Jokes Today

There's just one question that the victims of jimmy Savile would ask him, given the opportunity

Who was the best?
I hate it when people ask me where I see myself in 5 years time. I mean come on, I don't have 2020 vision.
Vladimir Putin has said he will personally find those responsible for the murder of opposition leader, Boris Nemtsov.

And give them a high five.
I watched Bargain Hunt earlier, but I just don't get it. A whole hour show just to see someone win a few quid.

If I wanted to see someone gain ten pounds quickly, I could just look at my wife in McDonalds.
I've always enjoyed acting. When I was young I loved fooling my mum, pretending to be my twin brother to get myself out of trouble.


I must have been good at it, I'm an only child.
"You are the laziest worker we have ever employed Smith, always late, been caught asleep on a few occasions, never reach your target, and are so lethargic it's unreal. I thought you said you used to work on a farm? "

"Yes, I did. A cannabis farm. "
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