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A gigantic spaceship landed and a voice proclaimed,

"We have come to take the followers of Islam to live on another planet."

There was much cheering and joy till a voice shouted out,

"There's no need to mate, they already fucking do. "
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Police are investigating an episode of 'Bargain Hunt' filmed in Liverpool after both teams got their 3 items without spending any of their £300 budget.
I used to love the smell of summer meadows. It took me back to playing as a kid.

Now, thanks to Glade, it lets me know when my wife has had a massive dump.
My daughter brought her boyfriend round to meet me earlier, the rude cunt wouldn't even look me in the eye.

He just sat there, staring at my knife.
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I pulled a girl last night, got back to my place and we both stripped off, she looked at me and said - If you shove that big thing up me I will be split in 2.
I felt proud for a moment until I realised I was holding a 2 litre bottle of coke.
I have been testing FIFA 2016 in women's mode but its not going well at the moment as I have finished the cleaning but have a stack of ironing to finish before the kids get back home.
EA Sports' FIFA 2016 will be the first football game to feature women's football teams.

It will also be the first football game where the phrase "First period of extra time" can mean more than one thing.
I was hallucinating on Ecstasy at a club last night. I looked at the guy hosting the gig, and he appeared to have become an exact multiple of himself.

I guess Einstein has been proved right, then.

E equals MC squared.
Once Queen Elizabeth had to share her horse-drawn carriage with Idi Amin, (the former dictator of Uganda).

One of the horses farted very loudly.

Queen said, " So sorry about that, you must excuse us."

Idi Amin, grinning like mad said, " That's all right, Your Majesty, these things happen. I thought it was the horse. "
American former general secretary and ex-Fifa executive committee member, Chuck Blazer, had turned supergrass after being threatened with serious jail time for fraud and tax evasion.

So in other words the Americans bribed someone to gather evidence on people giving and taking bribes! You can always trust the Americans to be honest.
In an interview last night, Mike Tyson said one of his biggest regrets was the dirty fighting he did in the ring.
When asked to comment on the Tyson interview, Evander Holyfield said "Pardon?"
I remember when I was a child, my Grandad drove past a school and said,

"You'll be in one of those soon!"

I probably shouldn't have said the same thing as he went past the cemetery.
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