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My son had his first 69 today, but he thought it was gross.
He said he's going to stick to women his own age.
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When Jewish boys are born they get circumcised.
Because, apparently, God made a mistake.
If you're walking past an anorexic person in the street, turn sidewards balancing along the narrow curb as you pass them, to make their day.
"Tell the truth." The wife demanded, "Does this make me look too fat?"
"Err.. n..no." I stumbled. "It's.. It's ok."
"Oh good." She replied. "As long as I don't look ridiculous."
"Hang on, you didn't fucking ask me THAT."
A minute's silence for the recently deceased isn't very respectful.
More like an imitation.
I got into a bit of trouble in the park late last night,
I saw this Asian chick standing there in the dark, looking at me with her tits out and her knickers round her ankles.
So I went up to her and slid my hand between her legs only to grab hold of a pair of big sweaty bollocks,
That's when the fighting started.
How was I to know her Black boyfriend was giving her one from behind.
"As a doctor, I find religious zealots sickening. I had to let a 12 year old die because his parents are Seventh Day Adventists who don't believe in blood transfusions.", I complained to my friend.
"Isn't it Jehovah's Witnesses who don't allow blood transfusions?" he asked.
Yesterday was the anniversary of the crucifiction.
And no, that's not a spelling mistake.
Last night at the train station,my mate said,"Let's disguise ourselves as suspicious luggage."
"I know we're quite pissed," I said,"But let's not get carried away here."
My wife is such a fat cunt!
I asked her to "pick a number between one and ten?"
She chose pi.
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