Hottest Jokes Today

Burglars have become very clever recently. Just last night my wife turned to me in the middle of the night and said "Wake up! There's somebody downstairs!" So I got out of bed and quietly checked every room.

Suddenly I realized that I don't have a wife.

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I asked a Pakistani lad at work if he fancied coming in on Saturday morning and doing a few hours overtime...


"No sweat," he said.

"Preferably," I replied.
"I think we have a serious problem with our son," said my wife, "I just caught him masturbating in our bedroom whilst sniffing dirty underwear."

"Believe it or not, that's perfectly normal behaviour for a 12 year old lad," I replied, "He's at the age now when certain things will turn him on."

"Really?" she said, "What's so sexy about your boxer shorts?"
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Random 5!

The council have asked me to take down my England flags to avoid upsetting the local Indian community.

So, to make them feel more at home, I gang raped one of their daughters and then hanged her.
During my driving lesson today, the instructor told me to pull over to the side and stop. When I did this, he told me to examine the road ahead.

"OK, now point out what, in your mind, are the biggest hazards in the area ahead?" he asked.

"Well, those niggers on the corner look pretty shifty to me," I said.

Apparently that was wrong.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

As the train pulled into Bradford station, I heard 2 people talking about how the city had lost its identity to immigration.

I wanted to go and educate them about the positive influences that cultural diversity could have in a community, and the many ways in which us Pakistanis were integrating into British society.

But I was too busy trying to get a good seat on the roof.
I was at a job interview today.

The interviewer said to me, "On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery."

I said, "That's correct."

He said, "Would you like to elaborate?"

I said, "No."
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Hottest Jokes This Month

So Islamist militants have murdered 12 French journalists for publishing cartoons depicting followers of the Prophet Mohammed as bloodthirsty barbarians.

That's like raping 12 kids to prove you're not a paedophile.
I don't think Muslims go far enough in killing people who draw images of the prophet Mohammed.

I think they should kill people who are named after him as well.
I've just received the class photo from my son's school in East London with over half the faces pixelated.

I think the school is taking this "no images of Mohammed" thing a bit far.
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Newest Jokes Today

Manchester City are looking really confident at Stamford Bridge today.
They're that confident they've even got that big poofy bastard out the Head & Shoulders adverts in goal.
I tried feeding my baby daughter using the 'here comes the airplane' technique.

But she fell asleep when I was going through the safety procedures.
Suge Knight ran over and killed one of his Death Row Records buddies yesterday during a fight.

While the victim was under the vehicle he yelled, "Back up off me! Back up off me!", but Suge thought he was just rapping.
Beautician Katie Cutler, who has been raising money for Alan Barnes, said "There are so many lovely people out there ... This person that hurt Alan, is just a minority."

Yeah, pretty safe bet, but still not something you're really supposed to say.
Today I did that thing where you walk into a room and totally forgot what you went in for.

I don't think the vicar nor the congregation were impressed.
I'm proud to announce that I'm still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don't know we're racing.
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