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The situation with all these desperate African immigrants fleeing persecution is getting a bit ridiculous now.

I've just got back from Calais to find a family of lions from Hwange National Park hiding in my boot.
What's the difference between 17th century Britain and 21st century America?

In 17th century Britain, Black Death was actually pretty important
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Random 5!

A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in. The child asks, "Mother, where do babies come from? "

"Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled. "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey."

The daughter replies, "Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"

"Jewellery, dear."
The council have asked me to take down my England flags to avoid upsetting the local Indian community.

So, to make them feel more at home, I gang raped one of their daughters and then hanged her.
A man walks into a bar and spots a large jar filled to the brim with cold, hard cash, naturally he's very interested and calls the bartender over to ask him about it.

The bartender tells him that the jar of cash can only be won by paying customers, so the man buys a double whisky from the bar.

The bartender puts the cash in the register and explains that he must complete three tasks and the money will be his, the first task being "knocking out the first man the bartender chooses" and he points out the huge bouncer standing outside a club across the street, the man asks for another double whisky.

The second task is to pull out the rotten tooth of the dog that lives behind the bar, the man asks what kind of dog it is and the bartender tells him its a rottweiler, the man asks for another double whisky and gulps it down in one.

The bartender tells the man that the final task is to screw a whore and points out the ugliest hooker on the street, the man orders a final double whisky and chugs it down.

Pissed as a fart, the man stumbles out of the bar and runs across the street (narrowly avoided the traffic) and amazingly knocks out the huge bouncer in a single punch.

He makes back across the road and walks behind the bar, after a few seconds the dog behind the bar starts whimpering, after two minutes the man comes back out to the street and looks around, after a few seconds he shouts: now where's that whore with the rotten tooth?!
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I took my son to school for the first time today and I was amazed at the number of mums turning up in four-by-fours. I thought to myself, "They will never use those for off-roading."

Then I saw them trying to park.
UK Headline:

Black man nearly drowns in local river.

US Headline:

Black man caught stealing water. Shot 4 times.
The conductor of my wife's lie detector test revealed that my wife had been unfaithful.

"How reliable are these results?" I asked him.

"Very," he replied. "She sucked me off in the car park earlier."
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Hottest Jokes This Month

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.
Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load.
My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.

Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"

I said, "Because we're still in Manchester."
During a job interview yesterday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly.

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.

I replied simply, "No, I always give 110%"
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You'd better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."
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Newest Jokes Today

The piece of wing suspected to be part of the missing Malaysian flight MH370, which was washed up on a beach on the Island of Reunion, has now arrived in France.

It is believed that it is trying to make it's way to Calais in an attempt to cross the Channel to England.
My wife is dead! No more nagging and no more denied sex. Yippee!

The best part of it is that, as I know how to perform liposuction, I can become a millionaire selling soap after I've watched Fight Club again.
My wife an I couldn't decide which one of my mates we should invite for a nice relaxing barbecue in the park.


In the end we decided to pick Nic.
I guess wallpapering isn't as popular as it used to be. Just at a car boot sale and you wouldn't believe how many people are selling pasting tables.
"And how would you describe my daughter?" my girlfriend's mother quizzed me on meeting her for the first time.

"She reminds me of a glass of milk."

"And why is that?" she asked.

"Because she came out of a cow," I replied.
I worked in a call centre taking 200 calls a day, 1000 a week.

I had 3 calls a week monitored.

It was about 333/1 that they'd hit on the one where I told a customer to fuck off and get cancer.
"I've told you again and again," my wife moaned, "if you stopped drinking and gambling we could clear our debts in 6 months."

And that made me think. I'll just kill her for the insurance.
What's the difference between 17th century Britain and 21st century America?

In 17th century Britain, Black Death was actually pretty important
My mum has always been such an inspiration to me.

I often sat there wondering where I would have been if it wasn't for her.

Until my dad said "Dribbling down Monica from number 26's tits, as she wasn't as easy as your mum"
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