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Why is it when I accept an invite to a Eid feast by my Paki neighbour and eat his halal sheeps head, I'm being multi-cultural...

...but when I invite him to our Boxing Day piss up with ham hock, I'm a racist bastard?
I hate it when people say that all Asian people look the same, it's just not true.

As an Asian myself, I can tell you that my sister has a much larger cock.
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Random 5!

I phoned the police the other day.

"What's your emergency?" they asked.
I said, "Two girls are fighting over me."
"OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?"
"The fat one's winning."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

Daily Mail: "Child rapist who bribed his victim with VIP tickets for a One Direction concert is jailed for 18 years"

Hopefully he will get extra for the rape.
A black man walks into a petrol station and says to the cashier, "Gimme all the money in the till or I'll blow you away!"

The cashier says, "But you haven't got a gun!"

The black man says, "Sorry, force of habit. Pump number four, please."
I had just hung up my phone on the bus this morning when I got a tap on the shoulder, "Excuse me," said a teenage girl dressed in her school uniform, "I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? Me and my friend just overheard your phone ringing just then and I'm pretty sure it was Beyoncé, but my friend is adamant it was Rihanna..."

I said, "You're both wrong, it was my mum."
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Hottest Jokes This Month

If you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison.....Where you can watch TV all day, without needing a licence.
I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"

It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "£100 and it's yours."
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Newest Jokes Today

My wife crawled in the the door from her Christmas Party last night and threw her knickers at me...

"Oh, these are soaking honey, you wanna fuck?" I said.

"Fuck off kev" she snarled "I'm going for a shower, I pissed myself in the taxi"
Following the terrorist threat from North Korea over the film 'The Interview', Sony Pictures has allowed individual cinemas make the decision over whether or not to screen the film.

One cinema in Texas is showing 'Team America: World Police' instead - with some people declaring the move genius, while others are appalled at such a decision.

Personally, I don't know why anyone's surprised about this.

It was inebedinedinable.
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