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I watched this homeless tramp with a twig and a bit of string with a bent hook on the end pull fish after fish out of the canal and them throw them back.

"That's amazing!" I said. "Why don't you keep some for food?"

"Fish I can get anytime," he said. "It's that fucking mattress I'm after."
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "Please, you can't do this, I'm a congressman!"
The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, " Are you seriously hurt?"

"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer."
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Random 5!

A woman has been in a coma for 3 months, showing no signs of recovery.

One day, whilst giving her a bed bath, the nurse notices that there is a flicker on the monitor when they are cleaning her cunt.

The doctors send for her husband and tactfully explain the situation suggesting that he tries oral sex to see if it gets a bigger response. So the medical staff draw the curtains to give him some privacy and await developments.

After about five minutes all the monitors suddenly go berserk and they rush in to find the woman stone dead.

"What happened?" demands a doctor...

"Dunno, reckon she might have choked," comes the reply.
A husband and wife get married young and, on their honeymoon, the wife discovers something quirky about her husband: he refuses to make love with the lights on. This doesn't really bother her so she decides to just let it go and accept her husband's quirks.

Years pass and the husband still remains adamant about keeping the lights off, and the wife starts wondering why this could be. She finally decides to do something about it and, one night, in the middle of a tryst, she turns on the bedside lamp. She looks down and sees her husband holding a flesh textured, much larger than regular, dildo.

"How could you have been lying to me all these years?" she yells at him.

The husband looks straight back at her and answers, "Honey, you shouldn't get upset."

"Shouldn't get upset? how can you possibly explain this?"

"Okay, tell you what: I'll explain this if you explain the children."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

The Italian film industry is reportedly set to make a follow up to the 1992 film White Men Can't Jump.

Black Men Can't Swim.
I invited my Muslim neighbours round to sit in the garden for a BBQ.

Half way through, I informed the husband that his wife had been unfaithful to him with lots of men.

She hadn't but I needed the rockery moving.
In an attempt to promote peace the Catholic church and Muslims have agreed to practice each others religions for a month.

Unfortunately it was a failure. The Muslims didn't like sex with the choirboys and the priests didn't like sex with nine year old girls.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

A Muslim walked into my Adult Learning Centre this morning.

"Hello there." I said to him. "You need help with your reading, don't you?"

"Yes, yes I do." He said. "How could you tell?"

"Because the sign on the door says No Pakis."
Now listen carefully Bond...

This may look like a credit card, but in fact this card will unlock the doors of opportunities no matter your skills, anytime you don't get your own way simply show this, we call it the "Race card".
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Newest Jokes Today

As the grand wizard of the Klu Klax Clan i hope the rest of the clansmen aren't too hard on my daughters new Boyfriend at our party tonight.

I think he's French and we cant wait to meet Le roy.
I have a flawless 100 percent record for committing rape, not to blow my own trumpet but I'm that good I don't even need to use chloroform to commit one I just get in and get out,

Still as successful as I am, even I was nervous and apprehensive waiting outside the local sports centre for it to close that has recently started to hold rape and theft defence Martial Arts demonstrations in Kickboxing on Wednesday nights.
One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to my neighbour," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard me say a bad word about him?"
The Bible we have today is a book edited in the 17th century, from 16th century translations, of 4th century scrolls claiming to be lost letters from the 1st century about someone's recollections of events that allegedly occured decades earlier.
This bloke knocked on my door this morning and asked if I wanted a window cleaner. I said "Yes but i'd really like them all cleaner".
I've often wondered what life is like for a comedian, so I called up Josh Widdicombe.

To see if he could ask one for me.
A man comes out of a house of ill repute, trying to ensure no one sees him but notices a small boy looking at him.
Boy: I saw where you are coming from.
The man gives him 5 dollars and says please do not tell anyone.
Boy: Sure.

The man reaches home and about to open his main door, when he sees the same boy.
Boy: Now I know where you live.
The man gives him 5 dollars more and says please do not tell anyone.

The next day while the boys mother is washing his clothes, she finds two 5 dollar notes and ask him where he got them from?
Boy: No Mom I cannot tell, I have promised to giver of these notes.

Mother takes him to church for confession.

When the boy is in confession box, he says: Now I also know where you work.
I applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested 'prior experience', I jotted down 'Lifeguard'. Nothing else.

"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but who can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the insurance company. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?"

"I couldn't swim," I replied.

I got the job.
We keep being told that that it's wonderful to live in such a diverse community.

Well I looked up the definition of diverse, and nowhere does it mention black.
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