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Random 5!

I voted a joke up today, I wasn't signed in so it only counted as .2 of what it should be.

I feel black.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving off benefits.

It's called "Alice in Sunderland".
So the BBC have reported that teen pregnancy is falling.
But child obesity is rising.
Just proves no one wants to fuck a fatty.
"I wish I had a smaller bum," my wife grumbled. "Do you wish I had a smaller bum?"

"Not at all," I told her.

"Aww, you're sweet," she gushed. "Is it because you love my bum the way it is?"

"Not really," I replied. "It's because it'd look ridiculous with legs that fucking size attached to it."
I crossed the road without looking yesterday and a Scouser on a bicycle swerved to avoid me and went straight into a lamp post. The poor guy had two broken ribs and a concussion.

On the bright side, I got my bike back.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour. On my last two dates, the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex.

Not sure of the brand but it had a distinct sharp, peppery smell.
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Newest Jokes Today

I threw a bit of a bacon rind into the queue at the Vegan Burger Bar. After the queue had run for their lives, I approached the counter and asked for a diet coke. Sorry friend, we only serve full fat!
Notting Hill Carnival.

London's biggest deodorant advert.
I sat looking around at the competition before the start of the 'International Palindrome World Cup', trying to conceal my smile. I was confident I could beat everyone here.

But then the door burst open, and in walked Hannah Tippit, followed by her mum, dad and nan.
Would never of thought Jenna Jameson is Jewish and only eats kosher, bit ironic with all the sausage she's been through.
Me and my wife were asked by our marriage councillor to write a list from A to Z of what a relationship should be.

My wife did it on her own and she was asked to read it during our session.

She started "A - appreciation, B - belonging, C - caring"

"No no no" I said "A - anal sex, B - blow jobs, C - cum gargling"

"What's wrong with u?" Screamed the councillor.

"We'll get to u in a second!
D - dry bumming, E ...
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