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As the PE lesson was about to start I gave the teacher a note from my dad,

."Ok, James, " she said, "can you please tell your dad that I have a boyfriend and I don't fuck on a first date."
Very sadly, Craig Charles has been forced to exit the Im A Celebrity jungle because of the unfortunate and unexpected death of his brother, Dean. Of which he must return home to be with his family at such a crucial and deeply emotional time for them all.

Meanwhile Gemma Collins left because she wants more food..
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Random 5!

Well, after years of making sick jokes on the internet and Sickipedia about thalidomide and spastic kids, my wife went for an ultrasound today and the doctor's told us our baby has Down's Syndrome.

This must be God's way of providing me with more material.
My regular Indian taxi driver picked me up whilst singing along to his crappy Punjabi music at the top of his voice.

He smiled when I pulled out my set of new ear plugs, "Looks like you've come prepared this time," he said laughing.

I smiled back at him and replied, "Yes," as I put them up my nostrils.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

Yesterday I saw a dishevelled old hairy tramp recycling putrefied rubbish, swearing at strangers and begging for money after his family spent all his on heroin.

I just thought; No, Bob Geldof, I'm not buying your shite record this time.
I tried to download the new Band-Aid song to raise money for victims of the ebola outbreak,

but my anti-virus software wouldn't let me.
I was starting my new job at the chemist this morning when some bloke walked in.

"I've got a blocked nose, a sore throat and my head feels like it's going to explode." he said, "Have you got anything?"

I said, "No mate, I feel fine."
Whenever my wife goes to the supermarket I always tell her to park in the disabled space.

After watching her spend 20 minutes trying to reverse into it, nobody is going to question her.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'

'You're still fucking late' replied my boss.
Cheryl Fernandez-Versini has complained to the media that people will always know her as Cheryl Cole, the former wife of a premiership footballer.

That's unfair, because I'll always know her as Cheryl Tweedy, the belligerent slapper convicted of assaulting a toilet cleaner in a Surrey nightclub.
Yesterday I saw a dishevelled old hairy tramp recycling putrefied rubbish, swearing at strangers and begging for money after his family spent all his on heroin.

I just thought; No, Bob Geldof, I'm not buying your shite record this time.
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Newest Jokes Today

What's the most difficult thing about playing golf with your wife?
Saying, "Nice shot honey..." 250 times.
I called my supervisor to complain about the poor customer service I was providing to people.

He referred the complaint to me and I wrote it off.
Whats the difference between winnie the pooh and justin Bieber?

Oddly it's Winnie the Pooh will be banned from a Polish playground, after being labelled as a half-naked hermaphrodite who is an inappropriate role model to children
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