Hottest Today
(10 of 693)
I saw a guy stacking shelves at Tescos complaining because the top shelf was broken, and he couldn't keep it up.
I think he had A wrecked aisle dysfunction
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So a Sikh judge believes Sikh boys should be able to carry their Kirpan ceremonial daggers with them to school. Fair play to him. Does that mean I'm OK carrying my ritual Snooker-ball in a sock or "Paki-Whacker" as I like to call it?
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I currently own a system which is exactly 14 times better than Windows 7.
I call it: Windows 98.
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I've just had my first tit wank.
It wasn't very successful; one of them flew away and the other just kept pecking away at my scrotum.
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So the Katrina disaster inspired the Saints Superbowl victory?
Better watch out for Haiti in the world cup then.
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I was speaking to one of my friends today and she said that the smallest penis she had ever seen belonged to a black guy.
So I said to her "Ah, so the stereotype isn't true then?"
To which she responded, "Yeah, it was only about 8 inches."
..fucking slag.
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I've fostered a couple of kids.
If people want to do the same, go to your local off licence, buy a four pack, and then smash it round their heads.
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If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases her chances of having a stroke.
But if you buy her the whole bottle, she will suck it for you as well.
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Just been on the go compare website for a few quotes. One question they asked me was " Where did you hear about us?"
I thought, are these taking the piss?
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I typed the key words, "lonely, middle aged, virgins" into Google.
For some reason I ended up here?
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More from today.
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Hottest This Week
(10 of lots)
Any ginger joke is likely to get voted down.
It's Friday night, everyone else is out getting laid.
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I've written the funniest joke ever about Bono's death. The only problem is that it makes no sense at the moment because the cunt is still alive.
I'm quite prepared to bide my time for a few decades until his life comes to a natural end, but if anyone wants to hear the joke now, and it really is the funniest joke ever, you know what you have to do....
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When I was little, we used to play a game called "knock and run" where you knock on someone's door and run away before they answered.
Nowadays, it's known as "Parcelforce"
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How do gingers make friends?
No seriously, I'm getting lonely
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Ashley Cole was caught doing 104mph in a 50mph zone. When questioned by police as to why he was speeding he said, "l've just heard John Terry is parked outside my house."
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Chris Tarrant asks Wayne Bridge, "For £64,000, what is the colour of Vanessa Perroncel's pubic hair? Is it, A - Brown, B - Black, C - Blonde or D - Ginger"
Wayne replies, "Can I phone a friend?"
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For an easy adrenaline rush, try eating After-Eight mints at around half past seven.
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Toyota have apologised for not spotting the fault which causes loss of control.
They would have noticed it sooner if the Yaris had actually been bought by men.
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I bumped into a girl this afternoon that I fucked last weekend.
"Hi, remember me?" I asked.
"No?" she replied, with a puzzled look on her face.
"Good," I said.
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These Americans obviously don't understand the rules.
That was quite clearly a forward pass by the scrum-half.
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More from this week.
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Hottest This Month
(10 of lots)
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Your Mum's so fat, when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders was ending.
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Whilst some of the material on here is topical and clever, there are far too many idiots with half a brain posting racist material. As a man of Asian descent, some of these "jokes" offend me long time.
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How to write a Sickipedia joke:
1. Originality counts for nothing, start with an old joke:
q. what did the zero say to the eight?
a. nice belt
2. Now change it so that the duplicate checker doesn't pick it up
q. what did the zero say to the eight?
a. nice belt.
3. Next, add a crime:
q. what did the zero say to the eight?
a. I used to have a belt like that, but someone stole it.
< [...]
How to write a Sickipedia joke:
1. Originality counts for nothing, start with an old joke:
q. what did the zero say to the eight?
a. nice belt
2. Now change it so that the duplicate checker doesn't pick it up
q. what did the zero say to the eight?
a. nice belt.
3. Next, add a crime:
q. what did the zero say to the eight?
a. I used to have a belt like that, but someone stole it.
4. Now spice it up with some racism
q. what did the zero say to the eight?
a. I used to have a belt like that but some nigger stole it.
5. And finally, a Sickipedia joke is not complete unless you claim to have Maddie
q. what did the zero say to the eight?
a. I used to have a belt like that but some nigger stole it and Maddie has chewed through my other one trying to escape
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What do you call a woman with an opinion?
Wrong.
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You will never guess who I just saw at the petrol station - it was that human torch guy from the Fantastic 4 film.
I tried to get his autograph but he just kept rolling around on the floor screaming.
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The ultimate dilemma:
Whilst having a wank when watching porn, do you;
a) Wear headphones and risk not hearing someone coming up the stairs
b) Put the sound on low and risk one of the girls moaning louder than you expected, thus alerting everyone in the house
c) Use just one headphone but run the risk of only hearing the bloke in the movie grunting
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Just been watching the Masters snooker, and I've been trying to get to grips with the rules.
Is the white ball going round ethnically cleansing the table?
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NEWS : 'Suicide Bomber Strikes again'
He is clearly not very good.
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Trust America to name a State after a bucket of fried chicken.
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I remember when my mum would tuck me in.
She really wanted a daughter.
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More from this month.
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Newest Today
(30 of 693)
My wife was brought home by the police today, having just been fined by them.
Gutted.
Oh, wait, it isn't spelled fined... it's found.
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If you are what you eat does that mean they serve shit in the Arsenal players canteen?
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I see that Gordon Brown has stopped snacking on chocolate, replacing with
9 bananas a day.
He will do anything to show loyalty to Barak Obama
Or is he sneakily trying to grab the black vote for May elections
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I haven't had sex for a long time. One minute seven seconds is still my personal best.
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I went down on my girlfriend last night not realising she was on the blob.
How embarrassing, talk about bloody egg on your chin.
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(Pissed up highlight of the week)... Ben (28) "id never sleep with a 16 year old it would be like sleeping with my daughter",, Me, "so by that you mean you would sleep with a 12 year old?!".... (pissed up highlight of the week)
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Was in Tesco with the missus when we saw a massive pile of beans, she told me to do something daring.
So I knocked one off.
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My wife said to me, "Does my arse look big in this?".
I said, " Move your other arse and I'll have a look."
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I've just had Jehovah's Witness' on my doorstep.
I told them to fuck off back to court and help their mate in the dock.
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A husband is at the hospital waiting on his wife giving birth to their first child. The doctor comes out and identifies the man:
"Excuse me, are you Mr. Smith?"
"Yes"
"I am pleased to announce that your wife has just given birth to a baby boy"
"That's great"
"But there is some good news and bad news"
"Oh, give me the bad news?"
"I'm very sorry, but your child is a ginger child"
A husband is at the hospital waiting on his wife giving birth to their first child. The doctor comes out and identifies the man:
"Excuse me, are you Mr. Smith?"
"Yes"
"I am pleased to announce that your wife has just given birth to a baby boy"
"That's great"
"But there is some good news and bad news"
"Oh, give me the bad news?"
"I'm very sorry, but your child is a ginger child"
"That's terrible. What's the good news?"
"Its dead"
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im a nigger with a 52" tv.
im black and stealing through windows was my idea
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Why did the hatiian cross the road?
To see his old flat mate.
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Its my birthday next week and as the wife is too busy, she told me to go and get whatever I wanted "from her"
So I've booked her in at the dentists for a full extraction.
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Saw Simon Weston on GMTV this morning. It's nearly 30 years since the Falklands and he doesn't look any older.
I'd love to know what his secret is.
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Arguing over the internet is like competing in the special Olympics even if you win your still a retard
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Ladies: For cheap hair extensions, hang around in the Chemotherapy Department of your local hospital. They're practically giving it away.
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The wife told me she wants something nice for the 14th Feb.
I'm getting her chicken fried rice. It is Chinese new year.
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Valentines day soon, so now's the time to start looking for a recent fatal road traffic accident to get her some flowers.
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I think my girlfriend's sick of me getting the wrong presents for her for Valentine's Day. As a hint, she's written down her dress and bra sizes onto a bit of paper for me.
I'm sure I'll find this most helpful when I'm in Argos getting her a new kettle.
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Can you make people believe you are dead when your in my basement?
No, but Maddy McCan
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Two niggers, rasta and liza, out picking cotton and they start to get frisky. They end up banging away on the train line. before long the express is passing through. The driver blows the whistle and screams and shouts to get them to move. At the last minute he hits the brakes and screeches to a halt inches fom there heads. "What the hell you playing at", he screams.
"well", says Rasta, " I is a cumming, Liza is a cumming and you is a cumming. "
Two niggers, rasta and liza, out picking cotton and they start to get frisky. They end up banging away on the train line. before long the express is passing through. The driver blows the whistle and screams and shouts to get them to move. At the last minute he hits the brakes and screeches to a halt inches fom there heads. "What the hell you playing at", he screams.
"well", says Rasta, " I is a cumming, Liza is a cumming and you is a cumming. "
"And by god if your the only one with brakes."
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Whats the best thing abut shagging a pregnant women?
Getting a blow job off the feotus.
2 for 1. Get in
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what do you call a japanesse car theif? tommytookamotor
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I saw an advert for 4-head strips that you use when you have a migraine. We had them when I was growing up too.
We called it a flannel.
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Two Jews walking down the road in Glasgow when they see a group of skinheads coming towards them.
I think were going to get mugged here says Avi, I think you could be right replied Jacob, heres that 600 quid I owe you.
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I was up early this morning.
Where's this fucking worm then?
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BBC Northern Ireland news: New scheme to help police widows.
'Cause widows are reallllly gettin' out of hand!
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I'm partial to grannies and pulled one at the bingo last night. Even better, she asked me to do her in the shitter.
I ruined her colostomy bag.
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Joke not doing well?
Why not merge other peoples more successful jokes thus allowing your jokes to do better.
Isn't that right TinPotbob?
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Good looking Girls turn heads
fat and ugly girls Guaranted to give it
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More from today.
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