Hottest Jokes Today

I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground...

We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour.

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A black guy goes into a bakery. While he's waiting to get served he hears a voice say "fuck off back to the jungle, Nigger".

He looks down and sees some cakes looking back at him.

"Excuse me", he says to the girl behind the counter, "did you hear what these things just said?"

"Sorry about that. They're Chelsea buns."
BBC News: 'Attractive jihadists can lure UK girls to extremism'

Yes, a scraggly beard on a stinking murderous piece of filth that never washes or cleans his yellow teeth and treats women as a third class citizen - I can see the attraction.
I got really excited when I thought I 'd seen a rare Russian military transport plane while out plane spotting.

Turned out it was just an optical Ilyushin.
I walked into a chemist today and asked, "Can you recommend anything for a really bad upset stomach?"

"Sure." replied the pharmacist, "Try eating some out of date seafood."
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Random 5!

If you hit me at 40mph there's around an 80% chance I'll die. Hit me at 30mph and there's around an 80% chance I'll live.

But if you fire your shotgun at me from your taxi, I'm completely fucked.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground...

We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists' testicles are aphrodisiacs, within ten years they'll have disappeared...
"There's actually little data to show that Asian children are any smarter than children of other races. It's really just a matter of perception, as I concluded from my research."

Said my Chinese neighbour's three-year-old son.
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Newest Jokes Today

My English teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to nothing..... Now that I'm also an English teacher, I realize that she was right.
Been listening to 'Dry your eyes mate' all day but now I've put on a Dolly Parton cd...

It's not my favourite but it keeps me off the streets.
Next years ComicCon will be held at the 02 arena. Every character has agreed to attend except they can't find anyone to play the Caped Crusader.
I wonder if Madonna is available.
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