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The wife shivered in front of the camera, after having had a bucket of iced water poured over her head.

"That was awesome," I laughed. "But you didn't nominate anyone."

"Because I was fucking sleeping, you cunt!" she yelled.
When I get home, I usually take off my trousers,take a deep breath,and let out a massive fart like a racehorse.

Unfortunately,that's not what the interviewer meant when she said,"Make yourself at home"
A spokesman for Manchester United has dismissed last nights defeat as a training exercise and that now they can concentrate on the really important stuff.

Like staying in the premier league.
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Random 5!

A good friend came up to me looking very pale. "My wife's got cancer. They don't think she's going to make it."

"At least you'll be free of that bitch in a few months."

"Please don't say things like that."

"I was only joking, I'm sorry if I offended you."

"Oh no, I just didn't want you to jinx it."
In the car, I said to my wife, "You've been driving this haven't you?"

She said, "How do you know?"

I said, "Because the clutch is knackered."

She said, "Don't blame me, I've never used it."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

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Hottest Jokes This Month

An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. so he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there".

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew?
I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
For anyone unclear with who Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber are here is a brief description.

Orlando Bloom is a 37 year old English actor best known for his roles in The Lord Of The Rings trilogy and Pirates Of The Caribbean. He also had roles in the award wining films 'Black Hawk Down', 'Troy' and 'Kingdom of Heaven'

And Justin Bieber is a cunt
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Newest Jokes Today

 Fox is already cowing to the President.
In response to President Obama's complaint that FOX
News doesn't show enough Black and Hispanic people
on their network, FOX has announced that they will now
air "America 's Most Wanted" TWICE a week..
Following their adavancement to the Uefa Champions League group stage, Arsenal fans say that they're confident the club can emulate what their counterparts Man Utd and Chelsea achieved in recent years...

Play in the Europa League.
Every day customers ask me the same thing.
"Are they keeping you busy?"
"Yes" I say.
"Well that's what you want isn't it?"
"No, I want to win the lottery and not have to do this fucking job you moron."
The weapons instructor died because letting a 9 year old kid hold an Uzi is negligence.

So, ironically, if he'd lived, he'd have been automatically fired.
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