Hottest Today
(10 of 1152)
Just went past a shop up town that said 'All Prices Slashed'
God, I hope Katie goes in there.
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If you're repeating a gag from a comedian - always credit it. It's only fair.
Seen a gag written by a comedian that's uncredited?
Help the community - edit it and credit it. You will now gain bonus points.
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When I was six I was a bit of a knife addict. I was also an only child...
...eventually.
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I just tried that new Radox Shower Gel called "African Escape"
As soon as I opened the bottle the water cut out and now I have to walk 15 miles to finish my shower.
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My wife was complaining about her job to me.
"If I had a pound every time I was held back for being a woman..."
"Don't you mean 75p?"
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I was having a crafty wank at work when the boss caught me.
Good fucking job he did too, I hadn't even realised I'd fallen off the ladder.
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Gutted now The Stig has been unmasked.
I've got a lot of explaining to do to the wife as to why I used to go out at night in a white helmet and overalls.
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They say that Chinese Water Torture is one of the worst forms of torture there is.
Not as bad as African Water Torture; that's the one where you're born in Africa.
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A recent government study has shown that most people believe too much money and time are wasted on pointless government studies.
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BBC News: Beckham eyes 11 September return.
We all do, David. We all do.
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A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal.
"It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit!" said my wife.
"And Sir?" said the waiter. "How did you find the pork belly?"
"Oh, about six years ago, we met on holiday."
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More from today.
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Hottest This Week
(10 of lots)
I feel sorry for the McCanns.
Maddie being The Stig was their last hope.
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I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date."
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'Not Actual Game Footage'
Translation
We put more effort into this advert than the actual game.
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I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.
Which is the one about being in a closet?
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I have just filmed my girlfriend using her toes to wank me off.
Nice bit of footage.
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Mary had a little lamb,
But then she put that in the bin too.
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Just saw that advert where an athlete in a wheelchair says, "My arms are stronger than your legs!"
Doesn't he know people can just say the exact same thing back to him?
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Metro Front Page:- "Cricket declares war on cheaters"
What a brave little insect, taking on all those big cats single-handedly...
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A good friend came up to me looking very pale. "My wife's got cancer. They don't think she's going to make it."
"At least you'll be free of that bitch in a few months."
"Please don't say things like that."
"I was only joking, I'm sorry if I offended you."
"Oh no, I just didn't want you to jinx it."
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I wish everyone would stop voting up these puns about the trapped Chilean workers and start voting for my jokes.
I mean, miner so much better...
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More from this week.
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Hottest This Month
(10 of lots)
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Not got children? Hire a babysitter anyway, say the kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.
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A black man approached me and said, "Can you tell me how to get to the train station, please?"
I said, "Certainly, monkey face. You go past the jerk chicken, around the grape soda and, Muhammad's your cotton-picker, it's opposite the watermelon."
As I lay here in hospital, I'm thinking to myself, "That's the last time I eat those fucking Rowntree's Randoms!"
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I was on Dragon's Den but got chucked out.
Apparently asking Deborah Meaden to "fuck off and get me a sandwich while the men talk business" is unacceptable.
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I'm not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I've seen what it can do to skyscrapers.
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It's so awkward when you send a private text message to the wrong person.
The other day I wrote a message, "Hey babe, thinking of U makes my cock hard, can't wait to sex U up 2night" and sent it to my 10-year-old daughter.
Imagine how embarrassing it would have been if I'd sent that to the wrong person.
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Me: What's that smell?
Wife: I can't smell anything.
Me: Neither can I, Get that fucking cooker on.
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I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out.
What kind of sick fucker would throw a wasp in a bin?
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I've been given two weeks to live.
The wife's gone away for a fortnight.
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I'll be fucked if this rape alarm doesn't work.
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My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance.
It's a cool feature but I didn't think the 'LOL' was necessary.
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More from this month.
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Newest Today
(30 of 1152)
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I would like to thank everyone for remembering 9/11 but how did you all know it was the date I got out of hopital after 6 days for the burns I recived on bonfire night?
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Making sickipedia full of old, repetitive, childish and dull jokes..
There's an app for that.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
or 'Americans' as i call 'em
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My daughter received her first jab today.
I then followed it up with a hook and uppercut.
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great Joke Filled With Laughter four our BLIND FRIENDS
............... ......... ................ .................. ............ ..... ........ .............. ...... ......... .......... ........ ...............
..... ... ....... .... .... ... .... ... .. ... ....... ... .. ..... ....... ... .. ..... ...... .... ...... ...... ...... ......
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I've always wondered what it would be like to break a bone.
So I grabbed my hammer, and my house keys, and set off to find out.
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My girlfriend has always said to me you are what you eat. So today I killed Cheryl Cole tied my girlfriend down to the bed and made her eat the corpse
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floccinaucinihilipilificating - it's easier done than said.
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After ten years of hard work I finally finished making my time machine today.
So I went back ten years in time and it only took me two minutes.
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Saying don't hate the player, hate the game is like saying don't hate the rapist, hate rape
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What are the best three forms of female self defence?
Ironing, blowjobs and a good dinner on the table.
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I've just written a joke in braile with the punchline "open your eyes you blind cunt" written normally.
Can't wait to see the first blind bloke ask his mate what the punchline says.
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Josef Fritzel's Dream.
Fucking all those miners
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Sir Cyril Smith died earlier today. He was a favourite of William Hague's due to his impressive girth.
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Wife: "Are you going hunting today?"
Me: "Yes. Why?"
Wife: "I can't understand what you get out of it. Don't you ever feel like it's wrong to kill poor, defenseless animals just for kicks?"
Me: "I'd hardly call a chihuahua defenseless, babe. It may be small, but it can tear a man's sock right off his foot!"
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Today, my girlfriend bit off my co...Oh, wait...this isn't FML.
FML
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when life hands you high fructose corn syrup,
citric acid,
ascorbic acid,
maltodexrin sodium acid pyrophospate,
magnesium oxide,
calcium fumerate,
yellow5,
tocopherol and less than 2% natural flavours...........make lemonade
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Someone told me that cats are always crying and that babies always land on their feet if you drop them from a height.
I was sure that it was the other way around, but to my amazement, my baby actually landed on his feet..
..and his leg bones smashed through his skull.
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I've nicknamed my wife 'tomorrow'.
She never comes.
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BBC Sport: 'Murray ready for Jamaica's Brown'
You can always trust the Beeb to stick to its traditional to the point methods
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Ajmal shazad called upto England cricket team
great those fucking pakis can make us cheat now!
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My New girlfriend left me yesterday.
She said "are you any good with kids ?"
"yes, especially in bed" was the wrong answer.
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BBC News: Ex-MI6 man sentenced over leaks
Bit harsh really, just get him to pay for the plumber.
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Alzheimers Demonstration
What do we want?
YES!
When do we want it?
WHAT?
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I just walked past a tailors and saw this sign.
Trouser alterations, while you weight.
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Like all top sportsmen the Pakistani Cricketers will get away with their match fixing,
no doubt they'll bowl the judge over!
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My girlfriend told me - "You are what you eat..."
and now she's mad because I won't go down on her anymore.
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I was always told that when I've made my bed i should lie in it. That's why I got sacked as a gardener
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I don't get why people keep calling me a nerd for playing World of Warcraft? i don't think i even play it that much
in fact, next time someone says that to me i'm gonna get my hammer of power and use brutal strike on them
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So I told the wife to give me a Chilean Miner.
She said "What's that?".....
I replied, "You go to the bottom of my shaft and stay there til Christmas."
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A massive photo of me robbing some beer has been put up in my local off license.
I've been framed.
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More from today.
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