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If I've learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it's that everyone speaks English after they die.
The wine waiter was ogling my girlfriend. "So, what do you recommend with the fish?" I asked impatiently.

"I've got a nice Semillon," he replied.

"Well, take your eyes off her fucking tits then," I snapped.
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Random 5!

This is yet to be confirmed by scientists, but there are rumours that women have a certain 'spot', and if you hit this spot at exactly the right strength, it will make a woman willing to do anything for you.

It's called the face.
A guy goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with my sex life."

The doctor asks, "Can you describe the problem?"

"Well... I wake up in the morning and shag my wife, then I have a shower and a shave and I shag her again. I have my breakfast and shag her again on the table, then I get a blow job from her before I leave for work."

"Okay..." the doctor replies.

"I haven't finished yet. I get to work and shag my secretary in my coffee break. At lunch-time I go to see my mistress and shag her a couple of times. I get back to work and shag my secretary again in the afternoon tea-break."

"Right..."

"Excuse me, I still haven't finished. After work, I see my mistress again on the way home and shag her. Then I get home and shag the wife. I have my dinner and shag her again, then we go to bed and shag a couple of times before going to sleep."

"Well, I don't see what the problem is..."

The guy says, "It hurts when I wank."
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans! You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest but, after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up. "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing: you eat holding the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your 'automobiles' on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.
A Muslim was arguing with me about how pigs were disgusting creatures and a health risk to all people.

"Do you think so Mohammed? " I said. "I've never yet seen one explode. "
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Hottest Jokes This Month

A Muslim schoolgirl is complaining that she has been excluded from her Camden school for wearing a veil.

Ironically, if she lived in a Muslim country she could wear a veil to her heart's content, she just wouldn't be allowed to go to school.
My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement.

It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night.
"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.
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Newest Jokes Today

At the beginning of The Apprentice contestants are woken up to be told they have 30 minutes before the cars pick them up.

That'd be me fucked from the start, as it takes me at least 40 minutes to have a shit in the morning.
I just heard that children may soon be required to clean their teeth at School.

And I suppose I'm expected to buy my kid a toothbrush ?
Some guy said to me, "You've got your father's nose."

I said, "I don't really, it's just my thumb between my fingers."
I remember when you could say 'wog', 'sambo', 'darky', 'coon' and 'nigger' and it just seemed normal.

It was at the UKIP party conference in September to be precise.
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