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Less than 100 years ago black people were traded like commodities, women were treated like second class citizens and the disabled were caged in asylums. Where did it all go wrong?
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Random 5!

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...because we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train .... but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay.....please see the bitch in the kitchen...."

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a pub and a golf course.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped. I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air.

"Please, please," he begged, "don't let me drop!"

"Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up?" I asked,

"Yes! Yes! Of course I will!" he said.

So I let him go. I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast.
As my flatmate Paddy headed towards the front door this morning, I said to him, "Where the fuck are you going dressed like that?"

"To Dave's fancy dress party," he replied. "I'm a tortoise."

I said, "His party is not until tomorrow night!"

He said, "I know, but I'm a tortoise."
With a heat-wave forecast doctors are urging Muslims who are observing Ramadan to balance food and fluid intake between fasts and especially to drink enough water.

Pfft! What do doctors know eh? Put a few extra layers on and go for a 10-mile jog. Allah is proud of you!
The battery in my wife's dildo ran out last night so we had to do it the old fashioned way.

I've been picking bits of cucumber out my arse all morning.
I walked up to a girl in the pub, and said, "Did it hurt?"

Unimpressed, she said, "What? When I fell from heaven?"

I replied, "No, when you had your penis removed."
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Being English and choosing between Germany and Argentina to win the World Cup is like choosing between the McCanns and Rolf Harris to babysit your kids...
I fucking hate Ed Sheeran, so when he came out on stage at Glastonbury I finished my pint, pissed in it and then threw it at the ginger cunt.

Seemed like a good idea at the time, but my TV's fucked now.
Argentina have put in an appeal to FIFA stating that, on the grounds that the trophy was in Brazil, and Argentina was therefore closer to it than Germany, then it should rightfully be theirs.
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Newest Jokes Today

My young son was eating his dinner last night when my wife said to him, "Eat your carrots. They're good for growing children."

My son replied, "That's all well and good but I don't want to fucking grow children."
I'm a police officer and I've been assigned to a murder case where a woman was murdered by her husband because she cheated on him.

It's a shame. She was a damn good fuck.
A spurs fan, a Manchester United fan and a Liverpool fan are climbing a mountain and they're arguing about who loves their team the most. The Spurs fan insists he is the most loyal and yells "This is for Tottenham" and jumps off the mountain. Not to be out done, the Liverpool fan expresses his love for his team and shouts "This is for Liverpool" and pushes the Manchester United fan off the mountain.
Me and my wife have this new deal where she has to lose a certain amount of weight, or I get to have sex with another woman of my choice.

To celebrate our new deal, I've ordered us in some pizza.
A man who was terrified of flying, decided to go abroad by ship instead.

Unluckily for him he never made his destination. The ship sank.

A plane hit it.
"£1.50?" laughed Paddy's mugger. "Is that all you had? I can't believe you put up such a big fight just for that?"

"Piss off, I have £500 in me coat pocket, you know!" he replied.
Visit Tel Aviv; a city of contradictions.

Where it's only safe to leave the bunker to catch your flight and enjoy a holiday, according to the Israeli tourist board.
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