A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in. The child asks, "Mother, where do babies come from? "
"Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled. "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey."
The daughter replies, "Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"
A man walks into a bar and spots a large jar filled to the brim with cold, hard cash, naturally he's very interested and calls the bartender over to ask him about it.
The bartender tells him that the jar of cash can only be won by paying customers, so the man buys a double whisky from the bar.
The bartender puts the cash in the register and explains that he must complete three tasks and the money will be his, the first task being "knocking out the first man the bartender chooses" and he points out the huge bouncer standing outside a club across the street, the man asks for another double whisky.
The second task is to pull out the rotten tooth of the dog that lives behind the bar, the man asks what kind of dog it is and the bartender tells him its a rottweiler, the man asks for another double whisky and gulps it down in one.
The bartender tells the man that the final task is to screw a whore and points out the ugliest hooker on the street, the man orders a final double whisky and chugs it down.
Pissed as a fart, the man stumbles out of the bar and runs across the street (narrowly avoided the traffic) and amazingly knocks out the huge bouncer in a single punch.
He makes back across the road and walks behind the bar, after a few seconds the dog behind the bar starts whimpering, after two minutes the man comes back out to the street and looks around, after a few seconds he shouts: now where's that whore with the rotten tooth?!
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You'd better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."