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I called my boss this morning.

"I won't be coming today," I said. "One of my relatives died."

"Who was it?" he asked. "And why is there music playing in the background?"

"It was my mother-in-law," I replied. "That's why I'm at the disco."
Israel were very poor against Wales.

They were the last side I'd expect to give up possession so easily.
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Random 5!

A husband and wife get married young and, on their honeymoon, the wife discovers something quirky about her husband: he refuses to make love with the lights on. This doesn't really bother her so she decides to just let it go and accept her husband's quirks.

Years pass and the husband still remains adamant about keeping the lights off, and the wife starts wondering why this could be. She finally decides to do something about it and, one night, in the middle of a tryst, she turns on the bedside lamp. She looks down and sees her husband holding a flesh textured, much larger than regular, dildo.

"How could you have been lying to me all these years?" she yells at him.

The husband looks straight back at her and answers, "Honey, you shouldn't get upset."

"Shouldn't get upset? how can you possibly explain this?"

"Okay, tell you what: I'll explain this if you explain the children."
The wife and I had been thinking that it was about time that we told our teenage son that he was adopted. We sat him down and I said, "Son, there is something that your mother and I want to say and I want you to know this is the hardest thing we've ever had to do."

He said, "I know what you're going to say... It's true, I'm gay."

I said, "Well, thanks for making what I'm about to do a fucking pleasure."
Due to cold snowy weather conditions expected soon, the Met office has issued a statement.
A spokesman said, "Make sure that, when you drive, you always carry a flask and a spade - this way you can have a hot drink while the spade pushes your car!"
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Hottest Jokes This Week

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Hottest Jokes This Month

A black guy goes into a bakery. While he's waiting to get served he hears a voice say "fuck off back to the jungle, Nigger".

He looks down and sees some cakes looking back at him.

"Excuse me", he says to the girl behind the counter, "did you hear what these things just said?"

"Sorry about that. They're Chelsea buns."
I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground...

We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour.
An Engineer was unemployed for a long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000."

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000."
Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
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Newest Jokes Today

It's been reported that German. Co-pilot. Andreas Lubitz had eyesight problems. Seems like his hearing wasn't too great, either if he couldn't hear the captain screaming 'open this fucking door you cunt'
So, Zayn Malik has quit One Direction, stating that he wants to live like a 'normal' 22 year old, without all the trappings associated with fame, success and money.

Or, in other words, pursue a solo career.
Imagine my dismay when I turned up at the royal Albert hall for the bbc's "young brass of the year award" only to find a bunch of spotty twats playing trumpets!!
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