Hottest Jokes Today

The World-Famous Sickipedia Newsletter

Want to be kept up to date on the latest jokes, news and the rest of the shit that's happening on Sickipedia?

Join the newsletter now and get it all sent to your inbox!

I got into a bit of trouble in the park late last night,

I saw this Asian chick standing there in the dark, looking at me with her tits out and her knickers round her ankles.

So I went up to her and slid my hand between her legs only to grab hold of a pair of big sweaty bollocks,

That's when the fighting started.

How was I to know her Black boyfriend was giving her one from behind.
Last night at the train station,my mate said,"Let's disguise ourselves as suspicious luggage."

"I know we're quite pissed," I said,"But let's not get carried away here."
Click Here For More From Today

Hottest Jokes This Week

During his trial, Oscar Pistorius has appeared somewhat unstable.

But a couple of beer mats have done the trick.
Click Here For More From This Week

Hottest Jokes This Month

The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.
I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said;

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard!!
I heard a funny noise whilst in bed last night so I jumped up and did all the usual stuff - checked the front door, checked the windows, shot my girlfriend five times, checked the back door.

Turns out there was no one there!
What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman?

Their criminal record.
I see that in Michigan, two people are being sued for $2 million after burning down an apartment complex while cooking a squirrel with a blowtorch.

Now I'm not an accountant, but it sounds like they might not have $2 million.
Click Here For More From This Month

Newest Jokes Today

My dad's on a life support machine and recently I was reminiscing. I remembered how he used to belittle us for being so reliant on technology. Fucking hypocritical bastard.
Dad, I'm going to be a jazz musician when I grow up!

Don't be silly, son, you can't do both.
When my new bride got home from work I ran her a bubble bath with scented candles and rose petals sprinkled on the water.

"Ooh," she exclaimed. "What's all this for?"

"Washing," I said. "Now you've moved here from Pakistan you're going to have to get used to it."
A lot of people have been campaigning for sharks to be culled after a series of attacks on people.

It's worth remembering that more people are bitten every year by homeless people in New York City alone than by sharks all over the world.

Mind you, I've never seen a homeless person bite someone in half at the waist.

Not since I moved away from Glasgow, anyway.
I had some good news and some bad news last week.
The good news was that a gorgeous young woman invited me to a threesome with her flat mate.
The bad news is her name was Amanda Knox.
"My dad had a fight with your dad, and owned him!" A black kid shouted to me in school.

"No, your dad beat my dad in a fight." I replied. "However, my great Grandad owned your great Grandad."

"How do you know that?" He laughed.

"Because I found the receipt from the auction."
When I saw a sword swallowing act on TV, it said "Don't try this at home."

So I went to the park and tried it. Still fucking hurt myself.
Click Here For More From Today