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John Cleese has caused controversy by saying 'You can't tell jokes about Muslims because they'll kill you.'

I for one applaud his honesty. . . . . and offer my sincerest condolences to his family.
The Chief of Police in Ferguson, St Louis, has said that "lessons have been learned" over the shooting of Michael Brown.

He told reporters, "All officers will be retrained, so that any time they shoot an unarmed nigger they make sure to plant a gun on him."
I was on my computer earlier when the screen suddenly went black.

I suppose I should elaborate. When I say "went black" I mean it stopped working. It didn't go and stab an old lady and nick her purse.
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Random 5!

"Take me back to your place and fuck me up the arse!" Some fat girl demanded last night.

"I would but I don't have any lubricant," I said.

"Oh you won't need any, I'm very loose," she winked.

"Maybe so," I replied, "but my door frame is very narrow."
Harry Potter chat-up lines:

Could I get my basilisk into your chamber of secrets?

Engorgio! Oh wait I don't need magic to enlarge this!

I wanna be your Dumblewhore.

Let's go deep into your Forbidden Forest.

Baby I'm tighter than Gringott's security and I'd love to take you down and show you the vaults.

Hey baby, I may be a Gryffindor, but something in my pants is a Slytherin.

Get your cloak, you've pulled.

Looked in the Mirror of Erised and saw you baby. Then I went to the Room of Requirement and it was full of tissues.

Wanna learn to speak troll? I'll get you grunting in no time.

Before me and my last girlfriend used to go up there, the Shrieking Shack was just called the Shack.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

If you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison.....Where you can watch TV all day, without needing a licence.
I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"

It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
A man in Brussels walks into a library and asks for a book about UKIP.

The librarian says, "Get the fuck out."

The man replies, "That's the one."
First God tells us to go forth and multiply, then he tells us not to commit adultery, then a virgin gives birth to his son.

I really don't think he has a fucking clue what he's talking about.
I was telling my colleague at work that since my wife died I've lost so much weight.

"Missing the home cooking?" he sympathised.

"No," I replied. "I just skip everywhere."
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Cheryl Fernandez-Versini has complained to the media that people will always know her as Cheryl Cole, the former wife of a premiership footballer.

That's unfair, because I'll always know her as Cheryl Tweedy, the belligerent slapper convicted of assaulting a toilet cleaner in a Surrey nightclub.
Yesterday I saw a dishevelled old hairy tramp recycling putrefied rubbish, swearing at strangers and begging for money after his family spent all his on heroin.

I just thought; No, Bob Geldof, I'm not buying your shite record this time.
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Newest Jokes Today

I was watching a CNN news report on the events in Ferguson. They said, "If you're currently in Ferguson and are African-American, we know where you got this television and who you are."
I see Argos have a traffic light system for Black Friday.

I wonder how many niggers will get pulled over for running the red light.
After watching the news today and seeing people fighting and stealing on a day where people should be working.

I now know why it is called Black Friday
I went to tesco to see what all the fuss about Black Friday was about and got a bit carried away by the spirit of the crowd.

I managed to get myself three handbags, two purses, a wallet and a set of pensioners false teeth before the police arrived.
What's all this fuss about Black Friday and stuff getting sold for cheap?

Back in 2011 they had black fortnight where everything was free, and they called it *The London Riots*
I will never forget my first visit to an American Mcdonalds - it was such a tight squeeze I could barely move.

In the end I had to ask the other two customers if they would mind waiting outside.
I think it's just as well that such a low percentage of Americans own a passport / travel.

If America's black population knew how we do things in Britain, it wouldn't just be disorder in Ferguson right now.
Sign in a Tottenham electrical store window.

'Black Friday special. Steal two and only get the same sentence as stealing one.'
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