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Random 5!

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead."

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "Fuck him, He's only an egg."

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made." said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,

"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to the different countries, "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's that?"

"Ah," said God. "That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premier League football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

A Muslim was arguing with me about how pigs were disgusting creatures and a health risk to all people.

"Do you think so Mohammed? " I said. "I've never yet seen one explode. "
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Hottest Jokes This Month

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement.

It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night.
"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.
The South African justice system really is something else.

I wouldn't be surprised if Reeva Steenkamp's parents end up having to pay for a new bathroom door.
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Newest Jokes Today

People are always saying my humour is one dimensional.

How stupid can you be? Everyone knows when you post a joke on the internet it usually comes up in a box.
Being quite small I often go to the gym to try and build my muscle up, last night the instructor asked me if I would like any enhancements to make me look bigger.

"Yes, I would, " I told him. "

So he got me a box to stand on.
I've been working away from home in the week lately, and I've learnt a great trick - only buy just enough food to last over the weekend.

I'm saving a bomb and the kids are always really happy to see me when I get back.
Me and my mate were out for a pint and he asked me about the time I lost my virginity.

"There were candles" I replied "Barry White playing in the background, rose petals sprinkled on the floor and bed and afterwards we cuddled up together and fell asleep."

"Oh wow, sounds really romantic" my mate said.

"It wasn't really" I said "it was with my uncle Paul, I was 13 and my arse hurt for days afterwards."
I got burgled last night. They raided my collection of music VHS tapes & Mr Kipling cakes.

I'm now Footloose and Fancy free.
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