Hottest Jokes Today
I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground...
We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour.
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A black guy goes into a bakery. While he's waiting to get served he hears a voice say "fuck off back to the jungle, Nigger".
He looks down and sees some cakes looking back at him.
"Excuse me", he says to the girl behind the counter, "did you hear what these things just said?"
"Sorry about that. They're Chelsea buns."
My goldfish is sex mad. He's just tried to fuck the carpet. He's having a rest now. Legend.
BBC News: 'Attractive jihadists can lure UK girls to extremism'
Yes, a scraggly beard on a stinking murderous piece of filth that never washes or cleans his yellow teeth and treats women as a third class citizen - I can see the attraction.
Because you weren't quite a big enough cunt to be a copper.
I got really excited when I thought I 'd seen a rare Russian military transport plane while out plane spotting.
Turned out it was just an optical Ilyushin.
I walked into a chemist today and asked, "Can you recommend anything for a really bad upset stomach?"
"Sure." replied the pharmacist, "Try eating some out of date seafood."
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys. In 2014, they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
The 15 year old girl from Sunderland has broken Wayne Rooney's record to become the youngest person to score on their first England international.
Do you think Ched Evans has sent a "Thank you" card to Adam Johnson yet?
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