Hottest Jokes Today

The World-Famous Sickipedia Newsletter

Want to be kept up to date on the latest jokes, news and the rest of the shit that's happening on Sickipedia?

Join the newsletter now and get it all sent to your inbox!

The Government have announced from the 1st October 2014 motorists are no longer required to display a tax disc in their vehicles.

A spokesman for motorists groups in Liverpool said : "This is nothing new, we started the trend in 1956"
A recent telephone conversation with my wife turned into an argument. She called me a "stupid cunt", so I slammed the phone down.

Which kind of proved her point, because I cracked the screen on my iPhone.
"You haven't completed the 'Sexual Orientation' box," said the interviewer.

"I know," I replied, "I didn't understand the question."

"Well," he explained, "if you find women sexually attractive, you are heterosexual. If it's men, you're homosexual. If you find both attractive, you're bisexual. And if you aren't attracted to men or women, you are asexual."


"Put down 'asexual' then" I replied, gazing longingly at his border collie.
Click Here For More From Today

Random 5!

A Yank gets off the plane in Blackpool and gets into a cab, he gives the taxi driver the hotel name and off they set.. about a mile into the journey the Yank asks "whats that", the taxi driver replies, "thats the pepsi big-one, biggest roller-coaster in England, built in 1996 in 6 months costing 20 million, the yank replies...." we have one twice as big as that at home, only took 3 months to build and cost 40 million".

200 yards down the prom and the Yank again asks "whats that", the taxi driver again advises "Thats the south pier, largest pier in Europe, built in 1899 at a cost of 5 million in just under 12 months", the Yank replies...."we have one twice as long as that at home, only took 6 months to build and cost 10 million".

200 yards further down the prom the Yank spots Blackpool tower, he asks "wow whats that"

"Fuck knows" said the taxi driver, "wasnt there this morning."
I wasn't concentrating while driving this morning and crashed into a 'Stop' sign. I got out of the car to check the damage.

The sign was slightly bent and there was a small scratch on my bumper. Both could be repaired cheaply, so that wasn't too bad.

It wasn't all good news, though. I could tell from the kids' screams that the lollipop man was pretty fucked up.
I received an accidental text yesterday, it said:

Hi, be home soon, love ya, Dave xxx

Being Valentine's Day I thought I'd have a bit of fun so I text the bloke back:

Don't bother, I don't love you, you're a cunt & I have been shagging your brother.

I couldn't wait for the reply, then it came:

You ok mum?
Click Here For More Random Jokes

Hottest Jokes This Week

A Muslim schoolgirl is complaining that she has been excluded from her Camden school for wearing a veil.

Ironically, if she lived in a Muslim country she could wear a veil to her heart's content, she just wouldn't be allowed to go to school.
57% of the British public back military air strikes against IS targets in Syria and Iraq.

The other 43% of the British public are Muslim.
A halal only branch of KFC in Birmingham has refused to supply wet wipes. The Daily Mail report this to be due to the alcohol content but a restaurant spokesman refuted this.

"Wet wipes constitute a wash and that is banned by Islam," he said.
I tried to fit 100 police officers into a Mini Cooper.

It was a struggle at first but then I made one a sergeant and the rest crawled up his arse.
Click Here For More From This Week

Hottest Jokes This Month

Sure, white people can't say the "n word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."
I don't know why people keep getting worked up about immigration..

All my neighbours are English
All the kids in the local school are English
All the local shops are owned and run by English people

I love it here in Spain.
A Muslim schoolgirl is complaining that she has been excluded from her Camden school for wearing a veil.

Ironically, if she lived in a Muslim country she could wear a veil to her heart's content, she just wouldn't be allowed to go to school.
Click Here For More From This Month

Newest Jokes Today

David Cameron turned the clock back at the tory conference with a humorous tribute to the time William Hague made the news a few years back.

He put on slacks, dark glasses and a baseball cap and said he has a room booked for the night with a young male companion.
flares thrown onto the pitch at the emirates tonight? those turkish fans really need to get with the time and get into the 21st century and buy some new clothes.......
Alice Gross Murder: Police manhunt for Arnis Zalkans, builder from Eastern Europe

I think they could narrow it down if they go to construction sites and round up anyone who's visibly working.
I asked my wife last night "Why the fuck do you waste so much time reading those shitty romantic novels?"

She said:
"Because it helps me to escape the reality of our dead relationship".

"What a coincidence", I replied
"That's exactly the same reason why I watch hard-core porn"!
Click Here For More From Today