Hottest Jokes Today

After weeks of online chatting, I arranged to meet Clare, the undercover police woman.

Imagine my shock when she turned out to be a nine-year-old boy.

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My wife came home from work and flopped into a chair, exhausted.
"Darling," I said. "When was the last time I ran you a bath with scented candles, gave you a massage and tucked you up in bed with a glass of cold champagne?"
"Never," she replied.
"Exactly," I said. "Get in the fucking kitchen and cook my dinner."
Police are investigating an episode of 'Bargain Hunt' filmed in Liverpool after both teams got their 3 items without spending any of their £300 budget.
The word "mood swing" is misleading. It sounds like it's swinging and we don't know what mood it's gonna hit.

If your wife calls you and says she's having mood swings, don't expect to walk through the door to find her naked cooking brownies.
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Random 5!

My mate told me that he's recently started shagging his girlfriend's flat mate.

"Mate" I said, "that's pretty terrible."

"Well" he said, "I know she's a flat mate but her arse makes up for it."
They say that if a guy has big feet it means that he has a big penis.

That just makes the thought of being raped by a clown even scarier..
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Hottest Jokes This Week

After weeks of online chatting, I arranged to meet Clare, the undercover police woman.

Imagine my shock when she turned out to be a nine-year-old boy.
My speed date asked me if I was into conspiracy theories.
"Well, so-so," I replied
"That's a pity," she responded. "I couldn't sleep with a man who didn't love them. Second question, who is your favourite Royal?"
"Prince Trevor," I said. "He's the one they don't talk about."
Saying a woman wearing a skimpy outfit is "asking for it" is like saying a guy walking around in a football top wouldn't mind getting tackled out of nowhere.
I overheard my girlfriend muttering to herself, "Love that one... Hate that one... Ooh, that one made me cry."

"Are you going through your DVDs again?" I asked her.

"No," she replied. "My dildos."
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Newest Jokes Today

"You're a right vixen, you are," I said to a girl in the pub.

"Really, why's that?" she replied coyly.

"Because you're ginger, covered in coarse body hair and your breath smells like you've been eating from bins. Anyway, would you mind introducing me to your hot mate?"
I'm really looking forward to the Eurovision Song Contest this year.

Not because of the singing, I just want to find out whereabouts in fucking Europe Austrailia is?
I always forget the term which is used to denote the flow of electrons through a conductor.

It's my current situation.
I've just got back from the opticians. Apparently I have some weird condition that means I can only see people singing shit songs. It's called Eurovision.
I phoned my boss this morning to tell him I wouldn't be in as my wife had drowned in the bath.

"Oh my God Dave," he sighed "How did that happen?"

"I held her under till she went limp" I replied.
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