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I was interviewing a girl for Pornhub yesterday.
"So this is just a website admin role?" she asked.
"Yes, it will be office based."
"So no having to suck anyone off or fuck someone on camera?"
"Well, that depends on how much you want the job," I said.
This tramp and his girlfriend were arguing like fuck in the park. All of a sudden he poured his meths over a bench and set fire to it.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I yelled at him.
"She can leave me if she wants," he said, "but I'll be fucked if she's getting the house."
I was shocked to discover that alcohol was illegal in Saudi Arabia.
That means they fuck camels while sober.
I spoke to my mate who works in body art.
I said, "Have you ever done a henna tattoo?"
He said, "No mate, only humans."
I went to a fortune teller today to find out how I'll die.
She said I'll die aged 85 with an 18 year old blonde bouncing up and down on my face.
His name is Dave, and he's a chav mugging me for my wallet....
The next station is Kew, where this train will germinate.
I don't know what I said to upset my colostomy surgeon, but he tore me a new arsehole.
At long last they're going to be able to explain what happened just before the Big Bang.
Not before time either
I remember what my scouse dad always told me:
I'd hate to see a smart lad like you throw away your future for an education. Click Here For More From Today