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"Being gay is the greatest gift I have been given" - Tim Cook

This is a man who presumably would've been given the new iPhone 6 for free. It comes to something when even the CEO of apple is saying he'd rather be gay than have an iPhone 6.
After our elderly Labrador died, my wife said it would be hard getting used to life without him.

So, to make her feel better, I got up early this morning, and did a huge shit on the carpet.
"Excuse me sir, can I please see inside your rucksack?" I asked a Muslim at the airport.

"What do you need to see for?" he asked.

"C-4! He said he has C-4!" I shouted, clearing people from the terminal.
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Random 5!

A black guy dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates he is greeted by St Peter, who says, 'Heaven is very full at the moment and we are only accepting people who have done something amazing. Have you ever done anything amazing?'

The black guy says, 'In fact I have. I fucked the daughter of the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.'

'Wow,' says St Peter, 'that's amazing! When was that?'

To which the black guy replies, 'Oh, about five minutes ago.'
A couple have two kids.
The chap's company make him area sales manager - it is more money, but involves stays away from home.
He comes back from a week at a sales conference one day, walks in and says, "I want to fuck you senseless."
His wife goes, "Shush, not in front of the kids - we have to be more responsible! How about saying 'I've got some washing to do since I've been away'?"
The husband agreed.

Two weeks later, he's back from a trip and says, "I've got some washing to do."
"Fine. Just a minute," says his wife, "I'm feeding the kids."
Two hours later she says, "I can do your washing now."
"No need, it was only a small load so I did it by hand."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

The clocks go back one hour tonight.

Unless you're a Muslim of course, then you need to put yours forward a couple of centuries.
'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'

'You're still fucking late' replied my boss.
I went to see a therapist.

I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."

He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."

I said, "No."

He said, "You're a woman."
A policeman pulled me over and said,

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"

I said, "Because you wanted to see how tall I am?"

"Step out of the car, sir," he ordered.

I said, "See, I told you."
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Hottest Jokes This Month

My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement.

It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night.
"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.
The South African justice system really is something else.

I wouldn't be surprised if Reeva Steenkamp's parents end up having to pay for a new bathroom door.
The clocks go back one hour tonight.

Unless you're a Muslim of course, then you need to put yours forward a couple of centuries.
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Newest Jokes Today

I don't see it's a problem reading the newspaper when I'm sat on the toilet.

Unfortunately security in B&Q didn't seem to agree and I was asked to leave the store.
All this talk about robots taking over from soldiers is obsurd

...i mean, whos ever gonna dip robots in their boiled eggs.
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