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After 1300 years of praying five times a day you would think that Muslims would have eventually realised that the carpets are not going to take off, and fly.
'Those people who say All boys are the same' oh, yeah because Gok Wan, Hitler and Eminem have loads in common.
After I pulled this girl and took her home, I left her on the couch while I made some 'preparations':

"I'm sorry for keeping you" I said when I joined her.

"You've not been that long" she replied.

"You've misunderstood," I said, "I mean you're not leaving."
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Random 5!

Amanda Holden said on Britain's Got Talent that she's always felt as though she is a gay man trapped in a woman's body.

This is definitely her way of saying she loves cock up her arse.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.
A Muslim was arguing with me about how pigs were disgusting creatures and a health risk to all people.

"Do you think so Mohammed? " I said. "I've never yet seen one explode. "
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Hottest Jokes This Month

A Muslim schoolgirl is complaining that she has been excluded from her Camden school for wearing a veil.

Ironically, if she lived in a Muslim country she could wear a veil to her heart's content, she just wouldn't be allowed to go to school.
My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size. So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.

I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement.

It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night.
The South African justice system really is something else.

I wouldn't be surprised if Reeva Steenkamp's parents end up having to pay for a new bathroom door.
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Newest Jokes Today

I'll always remember my first experience fingering, it changed me forever.

I was a bit hesitant at first - the soft, damp warmth was like nothing I'd ever felt - but soon enough I was getting two in there and finding a decent rhythm. I thought I'd never get used to the smell, yet after only a few minutes I was a convert; pulling out my fingers at regular intervals just to sniff at or suck on hungrily. Without a hand so much as gracing my cock, I was full mast - my erection achingly hard. Any second I was about to blow my load, with a climax that was sure to make me cry out in ecstasy...

That's when I heard an angry banging on the door, "Look son, are you going to be done soon? You've been in there ages and I need a shower before work."
My wife says she is leaving me because of my obsession with the dictionary.

So I told the cantankerous rambunctious nincompoop to absquatulate.
I was discussing the Oscar Pistorius case with my mate and he said, "I don't buy it. If you woke up in the middle of the night and heard someone moving around in the toilet, what's the first thing you'd do before you started pumping bullets through the door?"

I replied, "Well, first of all I'd make damn sure it was the wife in there."
Only a few days now until 'Movember', my wife's favourite time of the year.
She loves walking around, wearing a fake moustache.

It hides her moustache.
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