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It took years to get used to pepper spray.
I had a shit outside my house this morning...
And a dog stood in it.
She looks like mutton dressed Islam.
I love my new set of gloves.
What are the odds?
Oh the iron E.
He said, "Have you got anything on you that you shouldn't have?"
"Yes," I replied, "My wedding ring ."
I didn't... I started the wife up like a fucking chainsaw.
They didn't seem too impressed when I came out of the house with my scuba gear.
The first one says, "I can get three fingers up my fanny." and gives the other two a demonstration.
The second one says, "that's nothing, I can get a whole fist in there." and duly obliges to show the other two.
The third one slid down the barstool.
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I just feel that mankind might have been better off if an exception had been made in the case of the prophet Mohammed.
That's how small my cock really is.
"It's shit," she replied. "Absolute crap."
"More than likely," I said, "but let's hear it anyway."
He runs Facebook.
She doesn't know about my rich wife.
What the make love is she talking about?
I said, "Let's not make this weird, gran."
Anyway. There was no money in that one so I sealed it and re-posted it.
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"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.
It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
It's usually called a Staff Room.
Well I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive.
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "£100 and it's yours."
It really means 'I only shagged him to get something else out of him, but it failed'.
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Still breathless from panic I asked how long it would take to get here.
"Please hold while I refer to one of our new D'NAy centres of excellence" I was told.
The first sticker said " Far Coff" and the other "Far Kew"
My first thought was "what a Far Quit".
Because he was crackers.
"What did you do?" he asked aggressively.
"Well once he was done," I replied, "I asked him for my keys."
There hasn't been fallout like this regarding an Interview since David Moyes had a successful one for the Man Utd managers position.
Lessons can be learned from this.
Take what she said, and do the opposite.
But before I could even try, lasers shot out of Mr Whiskers' eyes again, vapourising him instantly.
Because I'm such an arsehole
"He's already in prison, he doesn't need to pick up any more bad habits," she continued.
"That's nice," he said, "so it's Amir cat?"
I said, "No, it's a Tabby."
You can't take a joke.
It coincides with my recently acquired penchant for killing homeless people though
For my Muslim neighbours.