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My son came home and said, "Dad, I've got a new girlfriend - she's really hot and into watersports."

I high-fived him and said, "Brilliant, that's what attracted me to your mother."

He replied, "What do you mean? Mum can't even swim!"
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Random 5!

A Match Made in Heaven...

On their way to get married, a loving couple get into car accident that proves fatal. The couple is sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to finish the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter replies, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"
Two Irishmen walking past a Police Station.

A big poster at the front reads "Two Blackmen wanted for rape!"

Paddy turns to Mick and says "Dem Fokkers always get the best jobs".
It's not everyday my wife turns to me and says; I want you to take me upstairs, fuck me in the arse and cum all over my face.
Today is no exception.
We were eating a family dinner when my daughter piped up and told us she had a new boyfriend who was really nice, but he was black and she was worried about my reaction.

'Well you know what they say,' I answered.

'Once you go black, you get the fuck out of my house.'
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Hottest Jokes This Week

"You can't park there, it's a disabled space," shouted the car park attendant.

"There are eleven empty spaces - it's not as if eleven disabled people are all going to turn up at once, is it?" I replied.

At which point the Aston Villa team bus pulled up to disprove my theory.
Well done Turkey on shooting down a Russian warplane.

Now proceed to level two where you have to destroy fifty Russian warplanes and fight off an invading ground force.
I can't believe how shallow women on dating sites can be.

I'd been chatting to this girl for a while and we were getting on ok, but then she turned round and said she wasn't interested, JUST because of the type of car I live in.
In light of recent events in Syria concerning the Turks and Russians. I think we should prepare for the inevitable.

A movie about the Americans saving the world.
A man on his deathbed requested his wife, 3 sons, his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows...

"To my son, David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East End of London. To my other son, Michael, I leave the 4 penthouses in Chelsea, and finally to my eldest son, Kevin, I leave the big glass building near Tower Bridge."

With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said, "I never realised your husband was so wealthy. You and your sons are very lucky."

His wife swiftly replied, "Was he bollocks! He was a fucking window cleaner!"
I was sitting in the hospital canteen, when the doctor came over, looking all weepy eyed.

"What's up, doc?" I asked, before tucking into my sandwich.

"I'm afraid your wife didn't make it," he said.

"I can tell," I replied. "This sandwich is gorgeous."
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Hottest Jokes This Month

I think it's time a serious message is sent out to ISIS and every other terrorist group throughout the world.

Justin Bieber has a gig on Thursday, November 19 at the Toyota Center, Houston, Texas, US.
Unbelievable act of kindness in amongst all the chaos in Paris tonight. All the taxi drivers are staying in the city centre to taxi everyone home free of charge.

It'd be a lot easier if they just texted their families and told them to stop killing everyone.
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Newest Jokes Today

Turkish authorities have found luggage unattended that looks suspect.

It may have been left by a Syrian extremist, but they are uncertain.

A spokesperson said "It's a borderline case"
As I saw the large Muslim immigrant family moving in next door, I said to myself, "This really isn't the worst thing in the world."

A black family would have been the worst thing.
My girlfriend was pulled aside by the airport security for further checks because of her skin color and her uncanny resemblance to a popular Friends character.

I guess she was a victim of Rachel profiling.
NEWSFLASH: Santa Claus was caught at 4am in a brothel. When questioned about what he was doing there he said "ho's ho's ho's"
At first I was thrilled when the estate agent assured me that I'd be living next to Caucasian neighbours.

However, my heart sank when I saw Mr. and Mrs. Mustafa and their eight children from Azerbaijan, moving in.
"Have you noticed how Lidl's loo roll keeps getting smaller and smaller these days?" said my wife.

"No love," I replied, "It's actually your arse that's getting bigger and bigger."
There was a knife fight between a paki & a nigger reported on the news in London.
Police say they think the attack was racially motivated which sounds like bull to me.
Everyone knows paki's & niggers are never motivated.
I think they were just taking a stab in the dark.
I said to this chubby bird, "Would you like to go to the cinema?"

She looked me up and down, then said, "Yeah, why not."

I said, "Good, can you shift your fat arse so I can get to the bar then."
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