Sick Joke Wiki - Sickipedia

Hot jokes today (10 of 478)

I like going bowling; I always make my name '3 Testicles' on the board.

That way the TV occasionaly says "Congratulations 3 Testicles! You got a spare."

Joke added by F0RDI3, in Sports > Bowling - Tagged bowling , balls , three , skill , congratulations , spare , is bowling a sport - Current Score: 574 - Added: 19 hours ago

My paedophilia is starting to become a serious problem in manipulating my life, last night i had a wank, then another over my sperm.

Joke added by willzsuperstar, in Crime > Paedophilia - Tagged pedo , paedofile - Current Score: 331 - Added: 17 hours ago

I'm in a wheelchair at the moment and so I have to pee sitting down.

I still put the toilet seat up afterwards though, just to piss the wife off.

Joke added by tinpotbob, in Illness and mortality > Disability - Tagged disability , sexism - Current Score: 167 - Added: 16 hours ago

My friend tearfully told me he's been diagnosed with dyspraxia.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a form of motor learning disability." He replied.

To be honest, I'm glad. He even walks like a fucking spastic, I certainly wouldn't trust him in a car.

Joke added by furiousg, in Illness and mortality > Dyspraxia - Tagged spastic , driving , uncoordinated - Current Score: 147 - Added: 19 hours ago

My girlfriend insisted that I would make a horrible father so to prove her wrong, I bought a new ivy plant to hang in my living room and told her that I could keep it alive for a full year. It died within the first month. We broke up the next day when the cunt showed up at my door to mock me.
"I'm so sorry your plant died. I know it can be hard remembering to water it, which is why I got you something more suitable to your caretaking skills. It's a fake plant!!"

A couple years later I heard that her newborn daughter had died so I decided to stop by and offer my condolences.
"I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I know you probably feel horrible for letting her fall down that flight of stairs, which is why I got you something more suitable to your parenting skills. It's a slinky!!"

Joke added by Kronikle, in Illness and mortality > Death - Tagged baby , dead , slinky , plants - Current Score: 143 - Added: 16 hours ago

What's big and black and makes women moan
?

Gordon Brown's handwriting.

Joke added by Scissors, in Celebrities > Gordon Brown - Tagged nice work gordon you fucking dick - Current Score: 135 - Added: 21 hours ago

10 ways to lose things and still make money.

Original Author: Kate And Jerry McCann
Joke added by viperuk, in Celebrities > Maddie - Tagged maddie - Current Score: 78 - Added: 22 hours ago

It's funny how you never see Jo Brand and John Sergeant in the same room?

Original Author: Jo Brand (Live At The Apollo)
Joke added by youcunt, in Celebrities > JO BRAND - Tagged clones , same person , strictly come dancing clown , google them - Current Score: 70 - Added: 21 hours ago

Someone paid £19,000 to have an hour with Simon Cowell, I asked myself for £19,000 for an hour with Simon Cowell what would I do?

Well do you know the scene from Casino Royale, where James Bond is tied up naked to the seat with no bottom to it while being whiped with the rope with a big knot in the end of it attached to electrodes?

Well I would let him do that to me for an hour.

Joke added by stevo21, in Celebrities > Simon Cowell - Tagged cunt - Current Score: 68 - Added: 17 hours ago

ITV has announced that Katie Price will become the first person ever to appear in I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here twice and all over the country the sound of no one giving a shit has broken out.

Joke added by fluvial, in Celebrities > Katie Price - Tagged katie price - Current Score: 59 - Added: 9 hours ago

More From Today

Hot jokes this week (3 of 2799)

Now the racists and rapists
And open prison escapists
Were just passing by.

And the grabby types,
The Maddie types,
Who want to be a Daddy types
Were just passing by.

And the mug-you types,
And thug-you types
And like to have sex by drug-you types
Were just passing by.

Those on their own,
Fucking the phone
With squinty eyes looking like a clone
Were just passing by.

Trucker driving through
Who just got blew
And killed a hooker on the A32
Was just passing by.

And the IT bod
Sat in his pod
Choking on his tongue and writing his blog
Was just passing by.

And the jobless types,
Who are not white
And used to pick cotton and fingers are light
Were just passing by.

And the sick perverts,
Who disconcert
The women with outrageous flirts
And like to fill their mouths with squirts
Were just passing by.

The Sickipedia folk,
Who share a joke;
See a duplicate and almost choke.
Waiting ages for Elton's stroke
Were just passing by.

There's a McDonalds for everyone.

Joke added by ayupduck, in TV > Adverts - Tagged mcdonalds , adverts - Current Score: 1842 - Added: 3 days ago

Finsbury Park Mosque are having a bonfire tonight. Don't tell them though, it's a surprise!!

Joke added by propercunt, in Religion > Muslim - Tagged surprise - Current Score: 1296 - Added: 5 days ago

Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled.
I laughed at the irony.
Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

Original Author: MLIA
Joke added by Mindless, in Other > Apple - Tagged iron , irony , boo , not irony - Current Score: 958 - Added: 2 days ago

Browse This Week

Hottest Ever (3 of lots. hit me!)

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

Joke added by Nangleberry Keen, in Crime > Rape - Tagged gang rape , statistics , 9 out of 10 - Current Score: 22576 - Added: 2 years, 0 months ago

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

Joke added by ht, in Illness and mortality > Suicide - Tagged suicide , books , librarian - Current Score: 19278 - Added: 2 years, 4 months ago

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

Joke added by bobbydgg, in Other > Children - Tagged sex , daughter , doctors , appendix , little johnny - Current Score: 8248 - Added: 2 years, 4 months ago

Browse All Jokes

Top Users

ht - 96843, bawbag - 76380, tricyclic_looper - 70619, pornstar - 53438, MICK THE MAG - 48811, ReigatePen - 45286, baldlice - 44053

Newest jokes (10 of lots)

I've often wondered why dyslexics laugh at cylinders with tapered ends.

I guess they must think it's conical.

Joke added by tricyclic_looper, in Illness and mortality > Dyslexia - Tagged dyslexics , cones , comical , conical - Current Score: 1 - Added: 20 seconds ago

Train 1 Robert Enke 0

----------------------------

Surely it's still 0-0? He stopped it after all.

Joke added by bridgeboy8, in Sports > Football - Tagged football , german , robert enke - Current Score: 0 - Added: 1 minute ago

its a shame about robert enke, he was a really good keeper, there was nothing he wouldnt dive infront of!!

Joke added by murphy88, in Sports > Football - Tagged train , football , german , robert enke , choo chooo - Current Score: -1 - Added: 3 minutes ago

The cost of the London Olympics has spiralled to £12billion.

That's £3billion over budget. Hidden expenses include transport costs, upgraded hotel facilities and, of course, 26 miles of pooper scoopers for Paula Radcliffe.

Joke added by stevo21, in Celebrities > Paula Radcliffe - Tagged pooper scooper - Current Score: 5 - Added: 5 minutes ago

I Knew german keepers worked hard but I just heard one trained himself to death.

Joke added by mudkips, in Celebrities > Footballers,loser - Tagged robert enke - Current Score: 3 - Added: 10 minutes ago

What’s the difference between Communist China and Britain?

Although both are run by Dictator twats, at least ours was democratically voted in!!

....erm... hang on, wait a minute...

Joke added by the truth, in Celebrities > Gordon Brown - Tagged china , communist , gordon brown really is a cunt , lets hope the one eyed twat gets hit by a bus - Current Score: 0 - Added: 11 minutes ago

Given that the Washington Sniper was given a lethal injection last night, I can't help but wonder if there is any left for the fucker who gave Jordan £350,000 to do I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.

Original Author: The Internet
Joke added by mraclarke, in Celebrities > Jordan - Tagged jordan , im a celebrity get me out of here , lethal injection , washington sniper - Current Score: -2 - Added: 15 minutes ago

Ever wondered why pill bottles have a cotton ball in them?

Its to remind niggers of the time when they used to put in a hard days work, a time before they all became lazy, unemployed drug addicts.

Joke added by govna, in Racism > Niggers - Tagged nigger , drugs , cotton , pills , niggers are lazy - Current Score: 5 - Added: 17 minutes ago

A Mummy was sitting one day when her daughter started prodding her tits and saying, "Mummy, what are these?"

Now the Mummy was too shy to tell her the truth, so she replied, "They are balloons and when you die they get bigger and float you up to heaven."

The little girl went away but a short time later she came running back in shouting, "Mummy, Mummy, the maid is dying."

Her Mummy was taken aback and asked why she would say that the maid was about to die. "Well," replied the girl, "both her balloons are out, Daddy is blowing them up, and she keeps shouting, 'God I'm coming!"

Original Author: Dont Know
Joke added by zenken1964, in Sex and shit > Mummy Mummy - Tagged None - please add some! - Current Score: 3 - Added: 18 minutes ago

So the Jews have suffered centuries of persecution; does that really warrant all this Hasidic rain they've caused?

Joke added by conkers, in Religion > Jews - Tagged jews , climate change - Current Score: -2 - Added: 25 minutes ago

Hot jokes THIS MONTH (5 of 12688)

I posted this joke three weeks ago.

Fucking Royal Mail.

Joke added by tricyclic_looper, in In The News > Postal Strikes - Tagged postal strike - Current Score: 3553 - Added: 4 weeks ago

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is the "stupidest country in the world"

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

Joke added by keelum1989, in Racism > American - Tagged america , europe , country - Current Score: 3073 - Added: 1 week ago

Postman Pat, Postman Pat
Postman Pat and his unionised cat,
Early in the morning,
They're still in bed a-snoring,
And I'm wondering where's my post you fucking twat.

Joke added by rufnek2kx, in In The News > Postal Strikes - Tagged kids , children , news , letter , royal mail , stamp , address , cartoon , postman pat , programme , postie , envelope , postal strike , the original punchline was too long and didnt match the syllables - Current Score: 2212 - Added: 2 weeks ago

What’s pink and goes round and round on a carousel?

Stephen Gately's suitcase

Joke added by dr_dave, in In The News > Steven Gatley - Tagged suitcase , stephen gately - Current Score: 2043 - Added: 4 weeks ago

Joke added by ayupduck, in TV > Adverts - Tagged mcdonalds , adverts - Current Score: 1842 - Added: 3 days ago

Browse This Month

Random Jokes (3 of 3. hit me!)

Did you hear about the Nigger with a job?

No, of course you didn't.

Joke added by hello95, in Racism > Black - Tagged job , nigger , course not - Current Score: 29 - Added: 9 months ago

Rihanna's neighbours were always the first to hear her latest hits.

Joke added by uselessgoose, in Celebrities > Rhianna - Tagged rhianna - Current Score: 26 - Added: 3 weeks ago

Whenever I go on the pull, I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.
I see a woman with a tattoo and I think "here's a bird who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future."

Joke added by staffer, in Sex and shit > Mistake - Tagged woman , tattoo , regret , decision - Current Score: 466 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago

Browse Random Jokes