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"What makes you think you can criticise American gun laws, sitting over there in the UK?" I was asked on an internet forum.

"Because you're not allowed to take them on planes," I answered.
As I staggered in from the pub last night, I was faced with the usual "you're drunk again, have you no shame?"

'Fuck you' I thought, 'I don't have to take this shit from a table lamp'.
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Random 5!

I'm downloading the Qur'an from an ebook site. I've got a slow connection but it should be done by Saturday the 11th.

I'm putting it on disk, if anyone wants one I can burn a few copies
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I went to the police station and said, "I'd like to report a rape."

Thirty seconds later, they'd sat me in a private room with a counsellor and a cup of tea.

"Wow!" I thought to myself. "They don't half treat you well when you hand yourself in."
I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving off benefits.

It's called "Alice in Sunderland".
So the BBC have reported that teen pregnancy is falling.
But child obesity is rising.
Just proves no one wants to fuck a fatty.
The bin lorry driver from Glasgow has condemned the tabloid press for harassing him when he tried to relax and pursue his hobby: flying at air shows.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour. On my last two dates, the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex.

Not sure of the brand but it had a distinct sharp, peppery smell.
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Newest Jokes Today

My wife said she's leaving me because my lying is getting out of hand.

"Please don't go," I pleaded. "I can make it up to you."

She said, "There you go again."
I went to the market yesterday to buy a pound of apples.
"It's 'kilos' now" the stall holder said....
"Ok then", I replied.... "I'll have a pound of kilos"
For the 1st time ever I actually believe Colin Fry can see dead people!
On Celebrity Big Brother's launch Jenna Jameson made a huge entrance.

After spending the last twenty years making her entrance huge.
As I staggered in from the pub last night, I was faced with the usual "you're drunk again, have you no shame?"

'Fuck you' I thought, 'I don't have to take this shit from a table lamp'.
Jenna Jamison just walked down the stairs in the Big Brother house so I whipped my cock out and started wanking.

My wife screamed "What the fuck?"

"Sorry," I replied "force of habit"
I was crossing a bridge over a stream with my four-year-old son and he asked if I'd play Pooh sticks with him.

I said ok and picked up a stick to drop into the water.

He grabbed a dog turd and lobbed it at a passer-by.
The Champions League draw has caused a lot of interesting matches.

Mourinho is going back to Porto.
Di Maria is going back to Real Madrid.
Memphis Depay is going back to PSV.
Liverpool are going back to watching Emmerdale.
One day, a farmer was out mending fences and at some point along the way he lost his Bible.

A month later, one of his sheep walks up to him clutching the Bible between its teeth.

"Oh, Lord," exclaims the farmer as he drops to his knees, "Thank you Lord, it's a miracle!"

"Not really," says the sheep, "Your name's inside the cover, you daft twat."
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