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So, Fifa 16 will feature women's teams.

It will be the first time I get to scout a 15-year-old girl without fear of getting locked up.
My wife came home from work early to find me strutting around the house in her new dress and high heels. She shook her head in horror and burst into tears.

"I'm sorry, love," I said, embarrassed. "It's not something I do all the time. I just experiment now and then."

"I don't care about your fetishes," she sobbed, "but I must be a right fat cunt if you can get into my clothes."
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Random 5!

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
I see Kerry Katona has been sacked by Iceland as she is no longer considered to be a role model.
A common, chavvy, drug taking, skint slag with four kids by two different fathers not a role model for Iceland?
I think they have sorely misjudged their core demographic.
A plane carrying Christian missionaries crashes in the middle of the Pacific ocean. Miraculously, two priests and a nun survive and make it to a remote desert island. Stranded all alone, with no hope of rescue, the three are unable to resist temptation.

However, after a few months, the woman is overcome by guilt at the sins she has committed and so she kills herself.

Several months later, the two priests have a moment of clarity and realise they also cannot cope with the guilt of what they are doing.

So they bury her.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I used to love the smell of summer meadows. It took me back to playing as a kid.

Now, thanks to Glade, it lets me know when my wife has had a massive dump.
My daughter brought her boyfriend round to meet me earlier, the rude cunt wouldn't even look me in the eye.

He just sat there, staring at my knife.
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Newest Jokes Today

Some weirdo Muslim guy has just run in here wearing a jacket with a shitload of large candles strapped to it.

Wait a bit, those aren't candles!...
After the re-appointment of Sepp Blatter as FIFA president, England may boycott the next World Cup.

We've been doing that after the group stages for fucking years anyway.
I was walking home pissed and skint with my mate and I said,
"I wish we had one one of those prizes from that old Bullseye game show. "
"Yeah, " he said, "like a car or a scooter of something. "
"Nah, " I replied, "I'd settle for bus fare home. "
It might sound racist, but every time I see a black guy walking towards me on the side walk, I just feel the need to quickly move over to the other side of the road for good measure.

Which is the reason I lost my job as a taxi driver and 18 marathoners are dead.
I met a drunk girl on the way home last night. So I went over to check that she was OK.
Anyway, we got talking and got on and I finally plucked up the courage to say to her:
"You remind me of Cinderella."
"Awww! That's lovely! Is it because I look like a princess?" she slurred
"No" I replied "It's because you've lost one of your shoes."
The practice of fastening padlocks to a Parisian bridge by couples who then toss the key into the Seine will no longer be tolerated, say officials.

Lock 'em up and throw away the key !
In the aftermath of the recent scandals, Sepp Blatter has claimed he knows how to fix FIFA.

He couldn't have worded that better if he'd tried.
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