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My pain tolerance during sex is starting to get better.

It took years to get used to pepper spray.
At first I tentatively slipped one finger in, it felt amazingly soft. Feeling braver I slid in a second - it was even better than before. Soon there was no stopping me - I added a third, then a forth, then I thrust my whole fucking hand right in there!

I love my new set of gloves.
Political correctness has gone mad. Apparently you can't even have an argument with your wife these days without getting in trouble. She promised me I could have a pint soon, but after standing with her for nearly an hour I was no closer to it happening. That's when I said, "Right, you, me and your fat arse are out of here". Everyone around us gasped like they'd never heard something like that before. I was just about to tell them to mind their own fucking business when a man butted in and said, "You may now kiss the bride".
It's been discovered that the moment a child forms the ability to think for themselves, is the exact same moment they're destined never to become a Muslim.
I was entering a singles bar last night when a bouncer started patting me down.

He said, "Have you got anything on you that you shouldn't have?"

"Yes," I replied, "My wedding ring ."
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Random 5!

A little girl down my road went missing this morning. Her parents asked everyone in the neighbourhood to help search for her.

They didn't seem too impressed when I came out of the house with my scuba gear.
Three whores are sitting at a bar.

The first one says, "I can get three fingers up my fanny." and gives the other two a demonstration.

The second one says, "that's nothing, I can get a whole fist in there." and duly obliges to show the other two.

The third one slid down the barstool.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

As a postman, I read the most heart-wrenching letter from a little girl to Santa. How her mummy and daddy had no money and how she only wanted a chocolate bar for Christmas.

Anyway. There was no money in that one so I sealed it and re-posted it.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

If you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison.....Where you can watch TV all day, without needing a licence.
I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"

It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "£100 and it's yours."
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Newest Jokes Today

I told a newcomer in prison that the other inmates were heavily interested in astronomy. When asked what I meant, I said, "They are particularly interested in Uranus, so you don't want to moon them."
Driving behind another car yesterday I started reading their tailgate stickers.

The first sticker said " Far Coff" and the other "Far Kew"
My first thought was "what a Far Quit".
I told my boss, "I saw a man keying your car."

"What did you do?" he asked aggressively.

"Well once he was done," I replied, "I asked him for my keys."
A man has appeared in court accusing of murdering a community safety campaigner who was stabbed to death during the morning rush hour.

Lessons can be learned from this.

Take what she said, and do the opposite.
"There's something wrong with my cat, but it's a bit difficult to explain," I said to the vet.

But before I could even try, lasers shot out of Mr Whiskers' eyes again, vapourising him instantly.
"And try not to swear in front of your nephew this time," said my wife, as we were getting out of the car.

"He's already in prison, he doesn't need to pick up any more bad habits," she continued.
In got in trouble for talking some really nasty dirty stuff to my daughters friend on the phone. But in my defense, she called here and she was the one that started with the heaving breathing and moaning. How was I to know she was she had asthma and needed a lift to the doctor?
The news was happily reporting that the overall number of homeless people seeking food from charities at Christmas time this year has decreased for the first time in over 30 years.

It coincides with my recently acquired penchant for killing homeless people though
When I found out that northern Sweden experiences an entire month of sunshine in summer I decided to book it as a holiday.

For my Muslim neighbours.

During Ramadan.
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