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Hottest Today (10 of 199)
 

1470798
So David Beckham's career is over but, on the bright side, at least now he has something in common with the wife. I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by mcpsicki in Celebrities - Victoria Beckham (+ 1 more) - Added: 21 hours ago - Current Score: 105.6

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1470777
Like most people, I like to do something a little different at the weekend.

On Saturdays I become Jewish, because that's their day of rest.

On Sundays I become Christian, because that's their day of rest.

Then for the remainder of the week, I go back to being a Scouser. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by poltroon in Racism - Scousers (+ 1 more) - Added: 23 hours ago - Current Score: 81.4

1470885
I recently started smoking again.

I've saved an absolute fortune on electronic cigarettes, nicotine patches and gum. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by donni in Other - Advice (+ 1 more) - Added: 17 hours ago - Current Score: 67.2

1470956
My uncle always said "One in the hand is worth two in the bush."

He died a virgin. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Bachiballs in Other - Sayings (+ 1 more) - Added: 14 hours ago - Current Score: 45.8

1470960
When I was younger I can remember walking down the road one day with my Grandad, and he was coming out with all these wonderful sayings. You just don't hear people talking like that anymore.

My favourite was... "Fuck off back to where you came from you Paki bastard." 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by stash in Racism - Pakistani - Added: 14 hours ago - Current Score: 32.4

1470912
'Alcohol is free'

Not a bad entry from Greece but it explains why their economy is fucked up. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by benb05 in Events - ??? Other - Added: 16 hours ago - Current Score: 32.2

1470779
My wife spends money on the most senseless stuff.This morning I went through her drawer and found shitloads of morning after pills but we never even have sex. I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by irbaboon in Sex and shit - Adultery - Added: 23 hours ago - Current Score: 25

1470961
My wife is always complaining that sex between us is boring and predictable.

It's not my fault.

She's the one that falls asleep after 6 minutes, 14 seconds. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by poltroon in Sex and shit - Nagging - Added: 13 hours ago - Current Score: 19.6

1470812
My brother calls a spade a spade.

He also calls a fish finger a spade.

My brother is retarded. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Biscuit777 in Illness and mortality - Down's Syndrome - Added: 20 hours ago - Current Score: 12.6

1471062
I read that a single human sperm cell contains the genetic equivalent of 37.5 megabytes of data.

In that case, I have a sock under my bed that makes the NASA mainframe look like a ZX Spectrum. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by 8 ace in Sex and shit - Wank Sock - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 9.2

More from today.

Hottest This Week (10 of lots)
1469015
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have?

Huge tits. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by gunner6995 in Sex and shit - Breasts - Added: 5 days ago - Current Score: 288

1470045
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by istvan66 in Sex and shit - Wife - Added: 3 days ago - Current Score: 274.2



1469590
Angelina Jolie said, "I lost my mum to cancer, my kids won't."

That's because 'your' kids lost their mums to you. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by cvrock in Celebrities - Angelina Jolie - Added: 4 days ago - Current Score: 253.8

1468835
After being raped by a big black man, I asked my neighbour how she was.

"Don't worry about me," she said, "let's get you to hospital." 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by 2ShinyBalls in Sex and shit - Anal (+ 1 more) - Added: 6 days ago - Current Score: 244.2

1468836
Pregnant Kim Kardashian is moaning in a magazine, "Nothing looks good on me"
I disagree. A grand piano dropped from a considerable height would. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Cabron Monoxide in Celebrities - Kim Kardashian - Added: 6 days ago - Current Score: 236.8

1469052
One Direction. The band The Beatles could've been.

If The Beatles had been a bunch of talentless faggots. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by 8 ace in Celebrities - One Direction - Added: 5 days ago - Current Score: 222.8

1469213
Genies are tricky little fuckers and will always try to twist what you wish for.

For example, last night I wished that my flat-chested wife could have tits like Angelina Jolie. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by TheAncient in Celebrities - Angelina Jolie - Added: 5 days ago - Current Score: 198.2

1469603
My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday.

"Bollocks!" I said. "I didn't even know it was your birthday." 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Nick Kay in Events - Birthday - Added: 4 days ago - Current Score: 197.6

1470640
If your phone gets wet, leave it overnight in a bag of rice.

It'll attract an Asian, who will fix it because they're good with electronics 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke submitted by broken-english, originally by The Fat Jew in Other - Advice (+ 1 more) - Added: 1 day ago - Current Score: 192.8

1469796
The electricity company called me and said, "The meter readings you provided us with seem to be suspiciously low."

I said, "Yeah, I've never read the meter. I have a system where I just decide beforehand how much I feel like paying, then work out the figures to suit."

"Sir, you can't do that!" they said.

I replied, "Well, it's a system that seems to work all right for you cunts." 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by 8 ace in Crime - Fraud (+ 1 more) - Added: 3 days ago - Current Score: 176.6

More from this week.

Hottest This Month (10 of lots)
1463924
Gods don't kill people.

People with Gods kill people. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by MrSickGuy in Religion - God - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 578.4

1464787
I just explained Google images to my mum.

"Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.

"Except that." I replied. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke submitted by pedro pongo, originally by Twitter @cluedont in Sex and shit - ??? General - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 508.6



1466358
I bumped into my ex in town earlier, I said:

"How's your new bloke?"

"He's twice the man you are," she sneered, "what about your new woman?"

I said, "Thankfully she's half the woman you are, you fat cunt." 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by 2ShinyBalls in Other - Insults - Added: 1 week ago - Current Score: 432

1465110
I couldn't believe that ITV broadcasted the sex offenders' register.

Then I realised I was watching the credits for Coronation Street. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by bushwhacker in TV - Soap - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 428.2

1465773
"Sorry, I'm sweating like a nigger on a rape charge."

"That's not a problem. Would you like me to ask you the question again?"

"Yes please."

"To the charges regarding racism in the workplace, do you plead guilty, or not guilty?" 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Biscuit777 in Racism - Black - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 410

1464630
I went to see a house earlier with period features.

My wife hates it when I call her that... 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by jimmydclarke in Other - Wordplay - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 387

1466658
Hans Lipschis, 93, has been arrested in Germany on suspicion of having been a guard at Auschwitz during the Holocaust.

He admits to working there, but claims he was only a cook.

I doubt that claiming to have been in charge of the ovens is going to help his defence much. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by 8 ace in In The News - Holocaust (+ 1 more) - Added: 1 week ago - Current Score: 355.8

1465697
My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with.

"Eleven," I replied.

"Wow! You must be a player," she laughed.

"No," I said, "I'm their coach." 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Snikoggs in Sex and shit - ??? General - Added: 2 weeks ago - Current Score: 345.2

1462400
Cameron has today defended plans to have trainee nurses start off as health care assistants before they start nursing.

That's fine. As long as trainee politicians start off as sewer workers before they start talking shit. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by MammaCass in Politics - Coalition - Added: 3 weeks ago - Current Score: 324.6

1468490
As I started fucking her, she said, "Please stop. You must stop. I want you to stop."


"It's nice that she's enjoying it", I thought, "but why is she talking like a telegram?" 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by stallion sd in Other - Misunderstanding - Added: 1 week ago - Current Score: 319

More from this month.
Newest Today (30 of 199)
(0 new since last update)
1471084
I knew I was in trouble when my Irish kidnapper removed the blindfold.

Maybe I should have escaped while he was still wearing it. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by emptyhead in Racism - Irish (+ 1 more) - Added: 19 seconds ago - Current Score: 1

1471083
I took some of my grandad's savings without him knowing and bought the stingy cunt a new 52inch flat screen tv.

"My black and white box tv was just fine Dave" he fumed,"This fucking thing must've cost me a fortune."

"Yes it did," I replied,"But you got to look at the bigger picture." 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by irbaboon in Other - Computers/Technology - Added: 1 minute ago - Current Score: 1

1471082
My wife said, "Why is there a shirt and tie on the telly?"

I said, "It's a smart tv." 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by stash in Other - ??? Random - Added: 3 minutes ago - Current Score: 1

1471081
How come everyone thinks Prince Harry is great because 'he has that common touch', yet everyone hates Jeremy Kyle participants because they actually are common?. I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by jackmeough in Other - Psychology - Added: 8 minutes ago - Current Score: 1.2

1471080
My girlfriend told me she lost her anal virginity when she was only seven.

She crashed her bicycle into a parked car and the seat got rammed up her arse. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by donni in Sex and shit - Anal - Added: 14 minutes ago - Current Score: -0.2



1471079
There's uproar in the Conservative Party after a member of David Cameron's inner circle called grassroots supporters 'swivel-eyed loons'.

Could be worse. In the BNP a swivel-eyed loon is actually the leader. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Monkey Man Arsewipe in Politics - Conservatives - Added: 14 minutes ago - Current Score: 3

1471078
I prefer white rice to brown rice. Does that make me ricist? I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by markysumm in Racism - ??? Other - Added: 20 minutes ago - Current Score: 0.2

1471077
After I took my first bite, the wife looked at me expectantly and asked, "How do you like the turducken I made?"

I had a sip of water, then told her, "It tastes like you forgot the last five letters." 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Methuselah in Other - Food and Drink - Added: 21 minutes ago - Current Score: 0.8

1471076
David Cameron's cronies are the big problem.
He needs to drink less. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke submitted by Chancemyarm, originally by Newsfox in Illness and mortality - Alcohol And Drugs (+ 1 more) - Added: 28 minutes ago - Current Score: -1.2

1471075
I never fail to see the irony when my wife says she hates racist people. I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by SomeCuntFromBirkenhead in Racism - ??? Other (+ 1 more) - Added: 29 minutes ago - Current Score: -1.4

1471074
What's the difference between onions and cheap prostitutes?

I cry when I slice up onions. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Jojobobo in Crime - Murder - Added: 34 minutes ago - Current Score: -0.8

1471073
If only I could turn back time.

My antique watch and clock business would've made it. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by irbaboon in Other - Professions - Added: 39 minutes ago - Current Score: 0.8

1471072
It seems no time since my only child was messing around, playing with toys; now, all of a sudden, it's just make-up, skimpy clothes and boyfriends. It really does break my heart.

The queer bastard. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Nick Kay in Other - Children (+ 1 more) - Added: 43 minutes ago - Current Score: 2

1471071
Little Abdul, "but please miss you said we could bring something in to school to remind us of our religion. Charlie has his crucifix, Kato has his model buddah, Isaac has his prayer book. I don't understand."

"Yes I did Abdul but your ticking rucksack is frightening the other children." 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Reject Dog in Religion - Muslim - Added: 52 minutes ago - Current Score: 4

1471070
The world of football is saddened to hear David Beckham is retiring.

As is the world of fashion when it hears Victoria isn't. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Homer Simpson in Celebrities - Victoria Beckham (+ 1 more) - Added: 53 minutes ago - Current Score: 1.6

1471069
I'm not saying my wife's cooking is bad...

But, it looks a lot more appetizing on the way out, than it does on the way in. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by stash in Sex and shit - Wife (+ 1 more) - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 2.8

1471066
Thomas Cook is the top scorer in our school football team. Big deal,

It's not like he's Going Places. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by ComedownWilly in Other - ??? Random - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 5.8

1471065
I always fantasised about our science teacher giving me detention, and then walking in wearing sexy lingerie and fucking me in the classroom.

But after he did it, I realised I was probably straight. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by graeme130287 in Sex and shit - Fantasy - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 7

1471064
My heart is fucking thumping.. I've just nearly knocked down and killed the beautiful single mother that lives opposite.

Luckily, last minute, my reactions allowed me to swerve out of the way and I only hit her pram. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Jokeypie in Other - Neighbours - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 2.8

1471063
My Welsh flatmate went mad with me when I walked in and found him masturbating over gay sheep porn on his laptop.

He was on the rampage. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by emptyhead in Racism - Welsh (+ 1 more) - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 1.4

1471062
I read that a single human sperm cell contains the genetic equivalent of 37.5 megabytes of data.

In that case, I have a sock under my bed that makes the NASA mainframe look like a ZX Spectrum. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by 8 ace in Sex and shit - Wank Sock - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 9.2

1471060
My family are a constant reminder of what's important in life.

Alcohol. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by stash in Illness and mortality - Alcohol And Drugs - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 7.4

1471059
OK, I don't remember anything that happened last night, but when I woke up this morning I had turned gay.
So if someone could just fill me in...? 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by bleeeurgh in Sex and shit - Anal (+ 1 more) - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: -0.4

1471058
Some bloke just accused me of being ill-educated.

That's rubbish. I've never trained as a doctor in my life. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by Johnny Cain once shit his pants in Other - Misunderstanding - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: -0.8

1471056
I hate my smart TV.

Every time I raise my hand to control the wife, it changes channel. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by johnny midnight in Crime - Assault - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 1.6

1471055
I was listening to some rock tunes yesterday and let me tell you something.

Dwayne Johnson can't sing to save his arse. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by irbaboon in Other - Wordplay - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: -0.6

1471054
Bonnie Tyler Lost in France and Lost in Sweden, proof if needed map reading is not this woman's forte I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by CornishRebel in TV - Eurovision - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 2.8

1471053
Some guy in the pub just took the piss out of me and called me a "poofter".

I said "Fuck off, I'm in the SAS!"

He was suddenly apologetic and gained a new level of respect for me.

I can't wait to tell all my chums at the Sussex Art Society. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by ali3nat0r in Other - Misunderstanding - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 5.8

1471052
I love my gran and really wanted to impress her so I've done a garden make over to bring back some memories from her youth.
A working gas chamber seems to fit the bill perfectly for the nazi bitch. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by thespecialone which requires categorising - Added: 1 hour ago - Current Score: 2.4

1471051
What's black and has a massive pair of tits?


Jedward's bodyguard. 		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by worrying anal seepage in Celebrities - Jedward - Added: 2 hours ago - Current Score: 0.6

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