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With all this media attention on celebrity abuse during the 70's I'd like to press charges against Pan's People who made me abuse myself at 7 o'clock every Friday night from the age of 11.
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Random 5!

Mick was walking through his field and saw a man drinking from the stream. He shouts over, in Gaelic, "Hey, don't drink the water, friend, the sheep have got the runs!"

The man turns round and says, "What did you say? I'm welsh, I don't speak your stupid language!"

"Sorry, pal, to be sure! I said 'Use both hands, you'll be able to drink more of my wonderfully fresh stream!'"
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Hottest Jokes This Week

George Osborne saw a little old lady struggling with two heavy bags of shopping,

"You shouldn't be struggling with those two bags of shopping, let me help," he said.

So he halved her pension so she could only afford one in future.
Charlotte, on Ch4's Embarrassing Bodies: "I'm getting a really fishy smell from 'down below', and I just don't know what it is."

I'm no gynaecologist love, but I reckon it's your fanny.
For anyone unclear with who Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber are here is a brief description.

Orlando Bloom is a 37 year old English actor best known for his roles in The Lord Of The Rings trilogy and Pirates Of The Caribbean. He also had roles in the award wining films 'Black Hawk Down', 'Troy' and 'Kingdom of Heaven'

And Justin Bieber is a cunt
How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will just sit in the dark and demand you accept the light is still on.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Being English and choosing between Germany and Argentina to win the World Cup is like choosing between the McCanns and Rolf Harris to babysit your kids...
This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped. I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air.

"Please, please," he begged, "don't let me drop!"

"Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up?" I asked,

"Yes! Yes! Of course I will!" he said.

So I let him go. I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast.
Argentina have put in an appeal to FIFA stating that, on the grounds that the trophy was in Brazil, and Argentina was therefore closer to it than Germany, then it should rightfully be theirs.
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Newest Jokes Today


A bomb has gone off on a belfast train!......there were no deaths or casualties however passengers were stuck to the walls and ceiling of the train for hours before they were cut free by emergency services!

It is believed this is the first time the irish gang used there no more nails bomb!
What does Eastenders and Emmerdale have in common,

A Father and Son, each went from Roche to Ritchie's.
TV > Soap
There are some idiots that are using the Palestine/Gaza issue to attack Jews.

Have they learned nothing from history?.

Ignore them and the 'ooh look at our suffering' attention-seekers will calm down and stop killing people because they can.
A Glasgow policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford
car. He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"A big fat nigger is dancing on the roof of an old Ford car."

"You can't say that over the radio", replies the operator, "you have to
use politically correct terminology"

"OK", he says:

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