"You haven't completed the 'Sexual Orientation' box," said the interviewer.
"I know," I replied, "I didn't understand the question."
"Well," he explained, "if you find women sexually attractive, you are heterosexual. If it's men, you're homosexual. If you find both attractive, you're bisexual. And if you aren't attracted to men or women, you are asexual."
"Put down 'asexual' then" I replied, gazing longingly at his border collie.
Kylie Minogue, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking along the street. Kylie trips, jamming her head in some railings. Robbie, quick as a flash, pulls down her knickers and fucks her senseless. He turns to Elton and says, "Your turn!" but Elton starts to cry.
"What's wrong, Elton?" asks Robbie.
Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!"
The football at the Olympics had to be stopped today when it turned into Chaos. One of the Somali players was shown a red card and the supporters all rushed onto the pitch as they thought he was getting a passport.
Blackberry's handset sales are down even further, Jason Orange leaves Take That, Apple's latest iPhone update goes pear shaped, and a giant plum forgets part of his speech at the Labour Party Conference.
'Hilarious things to put in your, now redundant, tax disc holder' starts?!
"Make use of that unused tax disc holder! You can buy a pack of 5 HILARIOUS pieces of paper to impress your mates with!
Our best seller, 'Tax in Post' can be yours for just £7.50! Don't delay, order today, they're utter shite, but we'll make loads of money out of it from the kind of boy racers that buy their mods from Halfords!