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Various charities are saying the £800 million spent during the transfer window should have been on starving children, not footballers.

Bollocks. How's a starving child going to score a thirty yard screamer?
Firstly it was the no makeup selfie to raise awareness for breast cancer..

Then the ice bucket challenge for ALS,

Now there is the celebrity nudes to raise awareness of Apple's poor iCloud security..

But I still can't tell Jennifer Lawrence's natural hair colour.
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Random 5!

People keep telling me my beard makes me look like an axe murderer.

I tell them it's a magic beard which disappears when you look away.

That usually buys me enough time to reach for my axe.
I went to a fancy dress party the other week, wearing only a pair of Y-fronts.

A woman at the party said to me, "This is a fancy dress party, what are you supposed to be?"

"A premature ejaculation," I said.

"What do you mean?" replied the woman.

"I've come in my pants!" I said.
A guy walks into a local pharmacy and up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions.

When she finally gets around to helping him, he says, "I'd like ninety-nine condoms, please."

With a surprised look on her face, the pharmacist says, "Ninety-nine condoms? Fuck me!"

To which the guy replies, "Make it a hundred then."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

Three Indians walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of Sikh joke?"
Three Israelis walk into a bar. The barman says, "Jew can't be serious!"
Three Muslims walk into a bar. The barman says, "Fuck off, you Paki bastards."
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.
A woman walks into a marriage counselling office.

The counsellor says, "I know exactly why you're here. Your husband doesn't want to make love to you anymore, instead he prefers watching porn and masturbating."

She exclaims, "Wow! that's correct! How did you know without even having a session with me?"

The counsellor replies, "Because you're fat."
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Newest Jokes Today

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your
hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...? Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the
song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
After a hard day's work the other day, which didn't finish till well past midnight, I trawled through the clubs for a drunk woman to shag by way of celebration. True, you really get the dregs shortly before closing time, but I was on a high and I didn't care.

I saw this right munter, and started chatting to her. Although she was completely smashed, she still didn't seem impressed until I mentioned my wages and my line of work.

"I deal almost exclusively in football transfers," I told her. "Over the years, I've provided players for all the top clubs in Europe - Barcelona, AC Milan, Chelsea...even Man Utd before they went downhill. Most of my players, however, have formed the nucleus of Man City's current team, and only a matter of weeks ago I had a major hand in Bacary Sagna's move there."

She was interested. I could see it in her eyes. This was on.

"What's your name, sweetie?" she asked seductively, stroking my chest.

"Arsene. What's yours?"
I've just seen a Subway advert proclaiming, "It's all about the veggies."

They should make Joan Rivers their new spokeswoman.
What's the difference between a paki and a bloke wearing a suit made from fresh turds?

One fucking stinks and the other is bizarrely wearing a suit made from fresh turds.
The Chief Constable of South Yorkshire told a commons select committee that cultural sensitivities have no influence on the ongoing investigation into child abuse and will stress that point when he is interviewed at Rotherham Mosque by the elders, Inshallah.
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