Hottest Today
(10 of 1161)
Just went past a shop up town that said 'All Prices Slashed'
God, I hope Katie goes in there.
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If you're repeating a gag from a comedian - always credit it. It's only fair.
Seen a gag written by a comedian that's uncredited?
Help the community - edit it and credit it. You will now gain bonus points.
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When I was six I was a bit of a knife addict. I was also an only child...
...eventually.
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I just tried that new Radox Shower Gel called "African Escape"
As soon as I opened the bottle the water cut out and now I have to walk 15 miles to finish my shower.
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My wife was complaining about her job to me.
"If I had a pound every time I was held back for being a woman..."
"Don't you mean 75p?"
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I was having a crafty wank at work when the boss caught me.
Good fucking job he did too, I hadn't even realised I'd fallen off the ladder.
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Gutted now The Stig has been unmasked.
I've got a lot of explaining to do to the wife as to why I used to go out at night in a white helmet and overalls.
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A recent government study has shown that most people believe too much money and time are wasted on pointless government studies.
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They say that Chinese Water Torture is one of the worst forms of torture there is.
Not as bad as African Water Torture; that's the one where you're born in Africa.
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BBC News: Beckham eyes 11 September return.
We all do, David. We all do.
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A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal.
"It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit!" said my wife.
"And Sir?" said the waiter. "How did you find the pork belly?"
"Oh, about six years ago, we met on holiday."
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More from today.
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Hottest This Week
(10 of lots)
I feel sorry for the McCanns.
Maddie being The Stig was their last hope.
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I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date."
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'Not Actual Game Footage'
Translation
We put more effort into this advert than the actual game.
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I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.
Which is the one about being in a closet?
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I have just filmed my girlfriend using her toes to wank me off.
Nice bit of footage.
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Mary had a little lamb,
But then she put that in the bin too.
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Just saw that advert where an athlete in a wheelchair says, "My arms are stronger than your legs!"
Doesn't he know people can just say the exact same thing back to him?
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Metro Front Page:- "Cricket declares war on cheaters"
What a brave little insect, taking on all those big cats single-handedly...
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A good friend came up to me looking very pale. "My wife's got cancer. They don't think she's going to make it."
"At least you'll be free of that bitch in a few months."
"Please don't say things like that."
"I was only joking, I'm sorry if I offended you."
"Oh no, I just didn't want you to jinx it."
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I wish everyone would stop voting up these puns about the trapped Chilean workers and start voting for my jokes.
I mean, miner so much better...
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More from this week.
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Hottest This Month
(10 of lots)
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Not got children? Hire a babysitter anyway, say the kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.
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A black man approached me and said, "Can you tell me how to get to the train station, please?"
I said, "Certainly, monkey face. You go past the jerk chicken, around the grape soda and, Muhammad's your cotton-picker, it's opposite the watermelon."
As I lay here in hospital, I'm thinking to myself, "That's the last time I eat those fucking Rowntree's Randoms!"
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I was on Dragon's Den but got chucked out.
Apparently asking Deborah Meaden to "fuck off and get me a sandwich while the men talk business" is unacceptable.
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I'm not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I've seen what it can do to skyscrapers.
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It's so awkward when you send a private text message to the wrong person.
The other day I wrote a message, "Hey babe, thinking of U makes my cock hard, can't wait to sex U up 2night" and sent it to my 10-year-old daughter.
Imagine how embarrassing it would have been if I'd sent that to the wrong person.
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Me: What's that smell?
Wife: I can't smell anything.
Me: Neither can I, Get that fucking cooker on.
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I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out.
What kind of sick fucker would throw a wasp in a bin?
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I've been given two weeks to live.
The wife's gone away for a fortnight.
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I'll be fucked if this rape alarm doesn't work.
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My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance.
It's a cool feature but I didn't think the 'LOL' was necessary.
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More from this month.
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Newest Today
(29 of 1161)
After ten years of hard work I finally finished making my time machine today.
So I went back ten years in time and it only took me two minutes.
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Saying don't hate the player, hate the game is like saying don't hate the rapist, hate rape
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What are the best three forms of female self defence?
Ironing, blowjobs and a good dinner on the table.
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I've just written a joke in braile with the punchline "open your eyes you blind cunt" written normally.
Can't wait to see the first blind bloke ask his mate what the punchline says.
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Josef Fritzel's Dream.
Fucking all those miners
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Sir Cyril Smith died earlier today. He was a favourite of William Hague's due to his impressive girth.
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Wife: "Are you going hunting today?"
Me: "Yes. Why?"
Wife: "I can't understand what you get out of it. Don't you ever feel like it's wrong to kill poor, defenseless animals just for kicks?"
Me: "I'd hardly call a chihuahua defenseless, babe. It may be small, but it can tear a man's sock right off his foot!"
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Today, my girlfriend bit off my co...Oh, wait...this isn't FML.
FML
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when life hands you high fructose corn syrup,
citric acid,
ascorbic acid,
maltodexrin sodium acid pyrophospate,
magnesium oxide,
calcium fumerate,
yellow5,
tocopherol and less than 2% natural flavours...........make lemonade
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Someone told me that cats are always crying and that babies always land on their feet if you drop them from a height.
I was sure that it was the other way around, but to my amazement, my baby actually landed on his feet..
..and his leg bones smashed through his skull.
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I've nicknamed my wife 'tomorrow'.
She never comes.
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BBC Sport: 'Murray ready for Jamaica's Brown'
You can always trust the Beeb to stick to its traditional to the point methods
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Ajmal shazad called upto England cricket team
great those fucking pakis can make us cheat now!
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My New girlfriend left me yesterday.
She said "are you any good with kids ?"
"yes, especially in bed" was the wrong answer.
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BBC News: Ex-MI6 man sentenced over leaks
Bit harsh really, just get him to pay for the plumber.
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Alzheimers Demonstration
What do we want?
YES!
When do we want it?
WHAT?
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I just walked past a tailors and saw this sign.
Trouser alterations, while you weight.
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Like all top sportsmen the Pakistani Cricketers will get away with their match fixing,
no doubt they'll bowl the judge over!
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My girlfriend told me - "You are what you eat..."
and now she's mad because I won't go down on her anymore.
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I was always told that when I've made my bed i should lie in it. That's why I got sacked as a gardener
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I don't get why people keep calling me a nerd for playing World of Warcraft? i don't think i even play it that much
in fact, next time someone says that to me i'm gonna get my hammer of power and use brutal strike on them
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So I told the wife to give me a Chilean Miner.
She said "What's that?".....
I replied, "You go to the bottom of my shaft and stay there til Christmas."
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What's worse than ten baby's nailed to one tree?
One baby nailed to ten trees
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A massive photo of me robbing some beer has been put up in my local off license.
I've been framed.
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The Madeleine McCann group on Facebook is categorised under 'Geography'.
Surely it should be in the 'History' section?
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I know this is a little bit early but its to remind everyone to get yer jokes ready......
Happy September 11th everyone!
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My pyschiatrist says I have a pre-occupation with vengance.
We'll see about that...
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Irony - Buying slim fit jeans with a 46" waist
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More from today.
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