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I find the surveys shown on cosmetic adverts are utterly pointless due to the small number of people questioned.

I've asked around, and 83% of 6 people agree with me
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Random 5!

Abdul and Paddy are begging outside a railway station. Abdul has a Mercedes, a large house and is loaded, Paddy has fuck all. Abdul's begging hat is overflowing with with numerous notes but Paddy has just a few coppers in his.
"How do you do it?" asks Paddy.
"Look at your sign," says Abdul.
Paddy's sign reads: "Out of work, wife and six kids to support, please help."
Paddy then looks at Abdul's sign, which says: "I only need another £20 to get back to Pakistan."
A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." Presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists' testicles are aphrodisiacs, within ten years they'll have disappeared...
While ordering a packet of biscuits from Waitrose online recently, I noticed that I needed to spend £75 to get free delivery.

So I ordered a second pack.
I was put in prison and taken to a cell where I was greeted by this huge black guy.

"Hello, little bitch, you're mine now. I hope you like the taste of cock," he said.

"I love it," I replied. "I'm doing life for cannibalism."
Today's BBC News - 'it is confirmed that three British school girls have now entered Syria'.
Next week's Daily Star - 'it is confirmed that half of Syria have now entered three British school girls'.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

I was at a job interview today.

The interviewer said to me, "On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery."

I said, "That's correct."

He said, "Would you like to elaborate?"

I said, "No."
If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists' testicles are aphrodisiacs, within ten years they'll have disappeared...
"There's actually little data to show that Asian children are any smarter than children of other races. It's really just a matter of perception, as I concluded from my research."

Said my Chinese neighbour's three-year-old son.
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Newest Jokes Today

Me and my mate were having an argument about which one of us was better a origami.
He folded.
When the government made the decision to raise the school leaving age to 18, they elongated childhood.

So, I've bought shares in Werther's Originals.
A lollipop man in Scotland has been banned from giving kids a high five as they cross the road for health and safety reasons.

Quite right those Scots kids could be carrying needles.
Walking past the synagogue earlier n there was an almighty fight going on with a bunch of jews....just like clash of the tightuns.
Managed to get a girl from the club back to my house last night, by telling her I was an Olympic gold medal winner..

"Wow, that's amazing." She said, lifting it from its stand on the mantelpiece. "What did you win this in?"

"Online auction."
Following her performance at the BRITS, Martin Scorsese has approached Madonna to star in the sequel to his next 'Cape Fear'movie
I don't understand woman.

My wife said she was "desparate" for a poo, so I thought I would help and went and found her one the dog left in the garden.

Was she grateful?' Was she fuck!

Woman are so fickle....
It must be complicated if you're half-Catholic, half-Jewish.

When you go to confession, you need to take your lawyer.
I got chatting to a girl I met in school today.

I said, "Can I take you out on a date this evening?"

"You'll have to ask my mum first," she replied, shyly.

"Cool," I said.

Later that evening I knocked at her house and the mother answered.

So I went, "Mrs Taylor, can I go out on a date with you?"
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