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A news reporter was going around Liverpool to canvass opinion about Cilla Blacks death.
"How has the news hit you madam?" He asked a local woman.
"Its just awful, its too much to take in as well as our other recent bad news, its hard to know what to grieve more for," she cried.
"Other recent bad news?" Asked the reporter.
"Hillsborough" she said.
I told my wife that there are three types of women...

slags, whores, bitches and argumentative cunts...

she said that's four types...

I said yeah...

there you fucking go again!
My mate at Liverpool town hall told me they've now had to put out the 19th book of condolence for Cilla Black.

"Have they filled them up that quick?" I asked.

"No. Fucking nicked them."
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Random 5!

Have you noticed that if you re-arrange the letters in the word 'immigrants', as well as adding and taking away letters, it actually reads: "Fuck off home you hairy bed sheet and sandal with socks wearing horrible cunts".

Coincidence? I don't think so...
A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun.
"Open the fucking safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank," replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".
"Don't argue, just open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off!"
She obliges and opens the safe door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm," the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it," he says.
She pries off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands.
The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and, to the girl's amazement, it's her husband...
"Not that fucking difficult, is it?" he says.
Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

UK Headline:

Black man nearly drowns in local river.

US Headline:

Black man caught stealing water. Shot 4 times.
I took my son to school for the first time today and I was amazed at the number of mums turning up in four-by-fours. I thought to myself, "They will never use those for off-roading."

Then I saw them trying to park.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.

Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"

I said, "Because we're still in Manchester."
During a job interview yesterday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly.

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer.

I replied simply, "No, I always give 110%"
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You'd better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago."
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Newest Jokes Today

Wichita, Kansas - a 9-year-old bat boy, who played for the Liberal Bee Jays, passed away after he was accidentally hit in the head by a bat swung.
If you're playing for a club called the "Liberal Bee Jays", I expect you get some wood in the face sooner or later.
Police officers guilty of breaking and entry, theft and possession of drugs.

Or a raid on my house as they prefer to call it.
A news reporter was going around Liverpool to canvass opinion about Cilla Blacks death.
"How has the news hit you madam?" He asked a local woman.
"Its just awful, its too much to take in as well as our other recent bad news, its hard to know what to grieve more for," she cried.
"Other recent bad news?" Asked the reporter.
"Hillsborough" she said.
"How much would it cost to phone China?" I asked my mobile provider.

"A fucking fortune mate," he said. "There's billions of them."
My mate at Liverpool town hall told me they've now had to put out the 19th book of condolence for Cilla Black.

"Have they filled them up that quick?" I asked.

"No. Fucking nicked them."
Indian government has banned pornographic websites.

"Why need porn when there are bus stops just around the corner?" said a member of their parliament.
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