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John Cleese has caused controversy by saying 'You can't tell jokes about Muslims because they'll kill you.'

I for one applaud his honesty. . . . . and offer my sincerest condolences to his family.
The Chief of Police in Ferguson, St Louis, has said that "lessons have been learned" over the shooting of Michael Brown.

He told reporters, "All officers will be retrained, so that any time they shoot an unarmed nigger they make sure to plant a gun on him."
I was on my computer earlier when the screen suddenly went black.

I suppose I should elaborate. When I say "went black" I mean it stopped working. It didn't go and stab an old lady and nick her purse.
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Random 5!

The iPhone is useless to an immature person like myself.

I type "5318008" into the calculator and turn it upside down, but the screen rights itself.
I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"


"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"

"Woof woof!"

"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"

"David, if you even think about going out to that fucking pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"

That's my boy.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

If you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison.....Where you can watch TV all day, without needing a licence.
I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"

It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
A man in Brussels walks into a library and asks for a book about UKIP.

The librarian says, "Get the fuck out."

The man replies, "That's the one."
First God tells us to go forth and multiply, then he tells us not to commit adultery, then a virgin gives birth to his son.

I really don't think he has a fucking clue what he's talking about.
I was telling my colleague at work that since my wife died I've lost so much weight.

"Missing the home cooking?" he sympathised.

"No," I replied. "I just skip everywhere."
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Cheryl Fernandez-Versini has complained to the media that people will always know her as Cheryl Cole, the former wife of a premiership footballer.

That's unfair, because I'll always know her as Cheryl Tweedy, the belligerent slapper convicted of assaulting a toilet cleaner in a Surrey nightclub.
Yesterday I saw a dishevelled old hairy tramp recycling putrefied rubbish, swearing at strangers and begging for money after his family spent all his on heroin.

I just thought; No, Bob Geldof, I'm not buying your shite record this time.
The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.

They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.
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Newest Jokes Today

Shia LaBeouf has claimed that a woman raped him when she visited his art exhibition.

I can't help but feel that if he tracked her down and raped her, it would be Even Stevens.
I wonder how many Black people are annoyed that the shops they looted clean last week haven't got any bargains for sale on Black Friday?
As it's Black Friday, my dad was out very early this morning and snapped up the bargains.

He came back home with 5 niggers for $100. He said it was like being back in the 1960s
In a recent council by-election, the BNP fielded a middle-aged female candidate who was so heavily tanned she was actually the blackest person standing.

Which sort of explains why she lost.
I walked into a pub last night and said to the barman, "I'll have a pint of Guinness."

My date immediately looked at me and said, "Aren't you forgetting something?"

"Of course, how rude of me." I said, "I'll have a pint of Guinness PLEASE."
I was staying in a hotel watching a porn channel when a member of staff burst through the door before I could even pull my pants up.

After looking at me in disgust for a few seconds she composed herself and said "Excuse me sir, we've had some complaints from the other diners."
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