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If a Muslim gets on a train, then another three, then two get off, then four more get on and then another gets off, how many Muslims are left on the train?

Fuck knows. I got out of there the minute the first one boarded.
I developed a meat from pigs that Muslims can feel free to indulge in.

The pigs are given drink and drugs, put in a taxi and fucked by the driver.

I call it Rother Ham
I went on a lads night out with my Pakistani neighbor last week. At the end of the night, he suggested that we grab a takeaway on the way home.
"I'm up for that" I said. "Do you you want to go to the Indian or the Chinese"?

"Well I was thinking more along the lines of the orphanage" he replied with a grin
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Random 5!

A selection of my favourite viz top tips..

FAT party-goers. Your overloaded plate is more likely to go undetected if you don't sing, whistle or hum with delight at the buffet.

BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.

PUBLIC toilet users. When you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can then be greeted with a huge cheer.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
A black man runs into a doctor's office and says, "Doctor, Doctor I can't stop running around!"

The doctor says, "Okay, take this tablet."

The black man instantly slows down and stops. He said, "WOW! It really worked! I've tried everything! What was it?"

The doctor replies, "It's Persil. It stops coloureds running."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

Three Indians walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of Sikh joke?"
Three Israelis walk into a bar. The barman says, "Jew can't be serious!"
Three Muslims walk into a bar. The barman says, "Fuck off, you Paki bastards."
What's better than seeing the look of disappointment on the faces of Celtic supporters, after crashing out of the Champions League?

Seeing it twice.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. so he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there".

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew?
I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.
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Newest Jokes Today

I don't think the grammar school system is necessarily the best method of teaching kids.

I always find that kids who are home tutored are in a class of their own.
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
Many saw the death, at the hands of a 9yo girl at the shooting range, as a tragedy.

The US Military however, see a future leader in the making.

They were reported as saying, "It was one of the best cases of friendly fire we have ever seen".
According to the BBC trial data on experimental Ebola drug ZMapp shows it is 100% effective in monkey studies. There hoping it should work on white Ebola patients as well.
I saw this young, fit-looking guy park in the handicapped spot before running into the store.

Naturally this pissed me off so I went to his car, doubtful he'd have a permit. Then, on the dashboard, I saw what was clearly a US passport.

Poor bugger.
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