Hottest Jokes Today

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

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As a tribute to Peaches Geldof, there is to be a special edition of her favourite daytime show.

'Stash in the attic' will be screened next Monday.
A man walks into a library and says, "Alright you fat cunt, I'm looking for a book about Muslims."

"I've never been so offended in my life," says the librarian.

"That's the one," he replies.
I woke up in my pyjamas this morning, unshaven and stinking of B.O. Then it dawned one me what had happened the day before:

I'd become a muslim.
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Random 5!

Celebrity guest appearances everybody wants to see:

Stephen Hawking on Robot Wars
Bear grylls on I'm a celebrity get me out of here
Heather Mills on Total Wipeout
Maddie McCann on Treasure Hunt
Gary Glitter on Cbeebies
Vanessa George on Play School
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Hottest Jokes This Week

This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped. I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air.

"Please, please," he begged, "don't let me drop!"

"Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up?" I asked,

"Yes! Yes! Of course I will!" he said.

So I let him go. I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast.
As my flatmate Paddy headed towards the front door this morning, I said to him, "Where the fuck are you going dressed like that?"

"To Dave's fancy dress party," he replied. "I'm a tortoise."

I said, "His party is not until tomorrow night!"

He said, "I know, but I'm a tortoise."
The battery in my wife's dildo ran out last night so we had to do it the old fashioned way.

I've been picking bits of cucumber out my arse all morning.
I walked up to a girl in the pub, and said, "Did it hurt?"

Unimpressed, she said, "What? When I fell from heaven?"

I replied, "No, when you had your penis removed."
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Being English and choosing between Germany and Argentina to win the World Cup is like choosing between the McCanns and Rolf Harris to babysit your kids...
I fucking hate Ed Sheeran, so when he came out on stage at Glastonbury I finished my pint, pissed in it and then threw it at the ginger cunt.

Seemed like a good idea at the time, but my TV's fucked now.
Argentina have put in an appeal to FIFA stating that, on the grounds that the trophy was in Brazil, and Argentina was therefore closer to it than Germany, then it should rightfully be theirs.
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Newest Jokes Today

My girlfriend sent me her ear in the mail.

She had to Van Gogh.
When I was working Tesco's today a customer was being rude to me, so I scanned him in the eyes with the barcode reader.

You should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless.
It's our wedding anniversary today so I've bought my wife a litre of engine oil and a token for a premium car wash.

She hated the flowers I got from the petrol station last year so this year I decided to get her something useful.
As I was walking through town a tramp asked me if I had any spare change.

"Sorry mate, " I replied, "I wish I had, but alas I'm not on benefits."
After taking a beating in the World Cup Final ratings, ITV Sport bounces back in spectacular fashion by not covering the Commonwealth Games
TV > Sport
I let my six year old daughter watch me have a shave this morning..

"Why do you shave daddy?" She asked.

"Because mummy likes me to." I replied.

"Does it hurt?" She enquired, fascinated.

"No, not really." I told her, "Unless silly daddy cuts himself."

"Oww." She said, giggling. "And then do you get to put a plaster on?"

"No, sweetheart, no need." I said. "I just put a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts."

"Don't they fall off?" She asked.

"No, pudding." I told her. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."
The pope has come out and said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven.

Breaking news pope, the atheists are already in heaven because they don't worry about religion.
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