Hottest Jokes Today

A few weeks after having an operation, I saw my doctor about my convalescence.
"What have you been doing?" he asked.
"Just sitting around all day, drinking tea, surfing the internet, texting my mates," I said.
He got angry and said, "I told you not to return to your job at the council offices for at least two months."

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Me and my mates were busy robbing this CD store when the cops turned up.

Dave grabbed all the pop CD's and ran off.
Steve grabbed the rock CD's and also ran off.
Dan grabbed the Jazz and followed suit.
I was forced to take the rap.
My wife bought a tube of KY gel from the chemists and I thought after all these years she was finally going to let me do her up the arse.

I waited in bed in anticipation and all I can say is, it's a shit way of finding out your son is gay.
I stormed into the bosses office. "I can't believe you've promoted that wanker Morton! You know I'm more qualified than him!"

"I had no choice," he apologised. "My hands were well and truly tied."

"Orders from Head Office?" I asked.

"Nope. He's got photos of me in a bondage session with his missus."
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Random 5!

Saw that a black friend of mine was about to use some 'Clearasil blackhead remover' the other day so I told him that he really shouldn't use that product.

"Why not? Because my head will disappear?" he said sarcastically.

"No, because it's mine, you thieving black bastard," I replied.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I don't know why people keep getting worked up about immigration..

All my neighbours are English
All the kids in the local school are English
All the local shops are owned and run by English people

I love it here in Spain.
A pirate goes to the doctor, worried the moles on his back are cancerous

"It's ok" says the Doctor "They're benign"

"Count 'em again Doc" says the pirate. "I reckon there be at least ten"
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Hottest Jokes This Month

Sure, white people can't say the "n word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."
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Newest Jokes Today

Scottish 'Yes' campaigners have come up with an ingenious idea to gain extra votes tomorrow.
They've asked the question "Would you like a free can of tennents super?" on the voting slip.
Have mental problems but too scared to tell anyone?

Got serious problems with body odour but afraid to talk to your GP?

Suffering from severe paedophillia and want to continue shagging children?

Simply stand around Scotland tomorrow with a banner saying "NO" just like the rest of you!!!
On my wife's first driving lesson she couldn't even get the car in gear, on the second she ended up going down a one way street in rush hour and for the third she wrote the car off when she hit a lamp post.

It's no wonder that so many of her students fail the exam.
I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time today.

"So have you ever thought of having sex?" asked the mum.

"Yes," I replied, "But I'm waiting for the right time."

She winked at me and said, "Come tomorrow by 9am, I'll be waiting for you in the shed."
I've always been crap with women so my mate suggested I try Rohypnol.

I just ended up passing out for 4 hours.
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