The other day my girlfriend said she wanted a rape alarm. So at 6.45 this morning, I put tape over her mouth and fucked her up the arse.
When I was finished, I whispered in her ear, "Time to get up for work, darling."
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.
My mate came out of court today and I asked, how did you get on Dave.
Dave replied :- A 5 grand fine a 2 year suspended sentence.
Fuck me I said, I think that's a bit much for a traffic offence.
Not too bad said Dave, it was drug trafficking.
If your 11-year old daughter likes horse-riding it's really because she really likes half a tonne of muscle pounding rhythmically between her legs, she'll grow up to be a slag. And if your son likes horse-riding he'll be a bummer
Women are now objecting to the term 'plus-size model' to mean someone larger who does modelling. Considering the role McDonalds played in getting them to this weight perhaps a more appropriate term would be 'Super size'?