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So black ice is more dangerous and more likely to cause us harm than normal ice...

Surprise Surprise.
A man comes home very late and very drunk. His wife says, "Where the fuck have you been till this time?"

The man replies, "At the pub."

"Right, you fucking smart ass," she says, "explain the fucking lipstick on your collar."

The man replies, "Fucking easy, I used my shirt to wipe my cock."
A recent revelation has shed new light on the 9/11 attacks.

Two Irish joiners were working in the Twin Towers that day fitting new doors. A witness overheard one saying, "Paddy, get a plane and take a bit off the top."
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Hottest Jokes This Week

I'm going to set up my own religion, one where its important to respect other peoples beliefs, learn to take criticism on the chin like an adult, wash regularly, treat women and children as equals and never kill anyone under any circumstances.

Its a non-prophet organisation.
As the train pulled into Bradford station, I heard 2 people talking about how the city had lost its identity to immigration.

I wanted to go and educate them about the positive influences that cultural diversity could have in a community, and the many ways in which us Pakistanis were integrating into British society.

But I was too busy trying to get a good seat on the roof.
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So Islamist militants have murdered 12 French journalists for publishing cartoons depicting followers of the Prophet Mohammed as bloodthirsty barbarians.

That's like raping 12 kids to prove you're not a paedophile.
I don't think Muslims go far enough in killing people who draw images of the prophet Mohammed.

I think they should kill people who are named after him as well.
All the gym bunnies moaning about the newbies.
Get over yourselves.
You didn't see us moaning when you came to use our pubs in December.
I've just received the class photo from my son's school in East London with over half the faces pixelated.

I think the school is taking this "no images of Mohammed" thing a bit far.
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Well known wildlife presenter, David Attenborough has recently been quoted saying "my favourite animal is a nine month old baby"

I can't help but think "Operation Yewtree" for some reason......
The manager of a wood merchant is sitting in his office when one of his workers walks in; he has with him a job applicant, the man is applying for the post of wood sorter, but he is blind. I can't employ a blind man says the manager, no offence, but this is a job that requires good eyesight.

At this, the worker pipes up. This bloke is fantastic, Mr Smith, he can sort wood by smelling it just as good as if not better than you and me. The manager is skeptical, but fearful of being sued under anti-discriiminaton legislation, he agrees to give the man a job if he can pass a test.

They go out into the yard, and the manager holds up a piece of wood three feet in front of him. What type of wood is this? Oak, the blind man says. The manager is impressed, but thinks it could be a fluke. He holds up another piece three feet away from him, and asks again. Bamboo, the blind man says.

At this point the manager is getting worried, he really can't employ a blind man, he thinks. Then he has an idea, he goes into the canteen, slips the flirty young woman who works in there a high demonination bank note, and walks her out into the yard naked.

Okay, he says, if you can get this one, I'll hire you. The blind man sniffs curiously, then says, turn it around. The manager signals to the canteen girl, and she turns around. The blind man sniffs again, and the manager smiles with glee. Turn it around again, the blind man says. The girl turns around again, and the manager says, sorry, I can't give you the job, but the blind man says, I've got it, it's a shithouse seat made from an old fish box.
The manager of a wood merchant is sitting in his office when one of his workers walks in; he has with him a job applicant, the man is applying for the post of wood sorter, but he is blind. I can't employ a blind man says the manager, no offence, but this is a job that requires good eyesight.

At this, the worker pipes up. This bloke is fantastic, Mr Smith, he can sort wood by smelling it just as good as if not better than you and me. The manager is skeptical, but fearful of being sued under anti-discriiminaton legislation, he agrees to give the man a job if he can pass a test.

They go out into the yard, and the manager holds up a piece of wood three feet in front of him. What type of wood is this? Oak, the blind man says. The manager is impressed, but thinks it could be a fluke. He holds up another piece three feet away from him, and asks again. Bamboo, the blind man says.

At this point the manager is getting worried, he really can't employ a blind man, he thinks. Then he has an idea, he goes into the canteen, slips the flirty young woman who works in there a high demonination bank note, and walks her out into the yard naked.
Okay, he says, if you can get this one, I'll hire you. The blind man sniffs curiously, then says, turn it around. The manager signals to the canteen girl, and she turns around. The blind man sniffs again, and the manager smiles with glee. Turn it around again, the blind man says. The girl turns around again, and the manager says, sorry, I can't give you the job, but the blind man says, I've got it, it's a shithouse seat made from an old fish box.
I went to an AA meeting and one guy said, "I don't know why I drink really. I was in a plane crash and myself and my wife and kids survived, I'm obviously the luckiest man alive!"

"I don't know about that." I interrupted, "I was also in a plane crash and I say I'm the luckiest man alive?"

"How does that make you any luckier than me?" He asked confused.

"My wife and kids died." I replied.
"It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it! A boy!"

It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I was the first onto the scene of a horrific road crash today. I saw there was a young girl that had survived so I decided to race her to the hospital...

I got to the hospital but unfortunately the young girl never made it, and I declared myself the winner!
"There's only one thing you can be sure of in life," said my wife, "and that is you are going to die."

Say what you like about her, she knows how to delay my orgasm.
With his famous shambling walk, monkey-like features, sallow skin and dead-eyed stare, Ian Brown stood outside court today and told reporters he was very very lucky not to have suffered any long-term effects from being shown gay porn and taught to masturbate by Fred Talbot.
I was disgusted with my son's school report today.

Turns out it's full of Pakis who can't speak English, most of the teachers are butch Lezzas and the head of P.E is a nonce.
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