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In Scotland, two gay prisoners in separate jails are suing for the right to visit each other, alleging that denying them face-to-face contact is a violation of their human rights.

What nonsense. Even if they got full conjugal visits, they wouldn't spend much time face-to-face anyway.
Ched Evans is distraught at being dropped by Sheffield United.

"How on Earth am I going to get another trial now?" he was heard to comment.

Easy Ched, just rape someone else.
The poo powered bus has had to be withdrawn from service after developing a fault.

The manufacturers are said to be investigating why the fuel leak alarm activates every time it passes a mosque.
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Random 5!

A man had been married to his wife for twenty years. As time had passed, his sex life had naturally deteriorated but now it was starting to get him down. No longer could he make his wife orgasm.

One day, the man decided to do something about it so he went to see his doctor. The doctor suggested he add a little romance back into the relationship - a nice meal, candles, mood music and the like. The man was skeptical but, that evening, he gave it a shot. He really pulled out all the stops but, when he came to the bedroom, there was again no action from the wife.

He went back to see the doctor the next day. The doctor was disappointed the trick hadn't worked but told the man not to worry. The doctor suggested he try again but this time get a young Adonis-like man to stand beside them and waft them with a towel. At first, the man didn't like the sound of it, but the doctor persuaded him to give it a go. He found a number for a male escort agency and arranged for their top man to come around that evening. All was going to plan but, when they came down to business, there was still no climaxing, no matter how much the young man waved the towel. Now, as you can imagine, this was starting to rile the man no end. He stormed back to the doctor. The doctor was obviously mortified that it hadn't worked so he suggested the man repeat the trick but perhaps this time he swaps roles with the escort. The man was at his wit's end so gave it one last try.

That evening, the man cooked his wife a fantastic meal. Shortly after they had finished, the escort arrived and they headed up to the bedroom. The man took up his position with the towel while his wife and the escort got down to business. Sure enough, within minutes his wife was groaning and writhing with ecstasy. The man was clearly satisfied with his work, so he lent over and whispered in the escort's ear, "You see mate, that's how you wave a fucking towel!"
Today,the girl who works next to me in the office came back from lunch and started shouting.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"Somebody left a note on my desk saying, "You're the ugliest bitch I have ever seen!"
"Don't look at me," I said.
"I wasn't implying it was you, I just-"
"No seriously, don't look at me; you're fucking hideous."
The Zutons' bass player, Russell, mentioned once in an interview that he liked Maltesers and, at his next gig, he was bombarded with Maltesers.

Well, I happen to know that Ronan Keating is a shit and daggers man.
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Hottest Jokes This Week

Yesterday I saw a dishevelled old hairy tramp recycling putrefied rubbish, swearing at strangers and begging for money after his family spent all his on heroin.

I just thought; No, Bob Geldof, I'm not buying your shite record this time.
I tried to download the new Band-Aid song to raise money for victims of the ebola outbreak,

but my anti-virus software wouldn't let me.
I was starting my new job at the chemist this morning when some bloke walked in.

"I've got a blocked nose, a sore throat and my head feels like it's going to explode." he said, "Have you got anything?"

I said, "No mate, I feel fine."
Whenever my wife goes to the supermarket I always tell her to park in the disabled space.

After watching her spend 20 minutes trying to reverse into it, nobody is going to question her.
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Hottest Jokes This Month

'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'

'You're still fucking late' replied my boss.
Cheryl Fernandez-Versini has complained to the media that people will always know her as Cheryl Cole, the former wife of a premiership footballer.

That's unfair, because I'll always know her as Cheryl Tweedy, the belligerent slapper convicted of assaulting a toilet cleaner in a Surrey nightclub.
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Newest Jokes Today

I went to work on magic mushrooms once.

I got fired, but on the up side, I went home on horse back.
A policeman just knocked on my door and asked to come in. He then proceeded to tell me that my wife had died in a car accident.

That's probably why he asked me to sit down before telling me. I could have been skipping for a long fucking time.
My 6-year-old daughter found a used condom in my car and said, "Daddy, what's this?
Very flustered, I abruptly told her, "Give that to me at once! It's dangerous!"
She then said, "But the stuff that was inside it - surely it can't be that dangerous if you've stuck your willy inside it at some point?"
Asian Cardiff owner Vincent Tan says "Wigan's Whelan is a racist".

Bet that was a mouthful for him.
The UK's first bus powered entirely by human and food waste has gone into service from Bristol Airport. Passenger Dickie Branson, who had just flown in from California, commented, "It's a pity that the service is so infrequent, as I often travel to Bath." A spokesman for the bus company, Brown Buses, explained that they were hoping for a more regular service soon by adding figs, dates and more greens to the fuel.
'Reckless wins Rochester seat for UKIP'

MP Reckless....

Kinda sounds like UKIP are trying to shed their racist image by putting young black rappers up for election.
In the news: English politician apologizes for smiling in a photo for fear of upsetting miserable people.

I farted next to a Paki in Bradford today and apologized for making him smell better.
Had a shit night at my restaurant last night. The waiter came into the kitchen and said "Exciting news! We've got a distinguished guest! The Head of Immigration is at table 4!"

And all my fucking staff ran out the back door.
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