Seriously worried about my birthday in a few years time.
Apparently at 40 there's an 80% chance I'll kill a child.
I once went 12 years without any sex, drugs or alcohol...
...my GOD, my dad knows how to throw a good 13th birthday party!
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you
The more you have the longer you live
My wife asked me for something that does nought to sixty in 5 seconds for her birthday.
I bought her a set of bathroom scales.