I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine.
Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?
I am a doctor in a busy maternity unit. Today a postman rushed his wife in with multiple puncture wounds to the lung and stomach which had served to induce a premature labour.
She had fallen on her cucumber frames whilst gardening and the lacerations were causing rapid and massive blood loss. The postman was understandably distraught and tears were running down his face as he begged me to save her.
I lay the patient on a bed so she would be more comfortable, and I stood next to the weeping postman for five minutes doing nothing as his wife haemorrhaged violently. He was shaking me, pleading with me to do something.
Just as she coughed her last blood filled breath and died in front of her helpless husband I turned to him and said "Sorry, I couldn't deliver your baby sir - I was on strike."
Served the cunt right.
Impressively, only 2% of the people I operated on died last year.
But for some reason the authorities think that's too high for a dentist.
I suffer from aibohphobia-the fear of palindromes.
"Oral or anal first?" my wife asked with a grin.
"What do you think?"
"I'm thinking anal," she smiled.
"Okay," I sighed. "I suppose I've got to take both tablets at some point."