What's the difference between a cow and a tragedy?
A scouser wouldn't know how to milk a cow.
Just bought a Liverpool FC advent calendar. Fucking typical, all the windows are boarded up and some cunts nicked all the fucking chocolate.
What do you call a virgin from Liverpool?
An only child.
A teacher starts a new job at a primary school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a big football fan and supports Liverpool. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan miss," she replies. The teacher, still shocked asks:"Well, if you're not a Liverpool Fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a West Ham fan, and proud of it," Mary replies. The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, how come you're a Hammers fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from London's East End and are West Ham fans, so I'm a West Ham fan too!"
"Still," says the teacher, annoyed, "that's no reason for you to be a West Ham fan as well. You don't have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief. Would you be like them then?"
"No," smiles Mary, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."
Liverpool's new signing, Rigobert Song from Cameroon, has just played his first game for the once 'Mighty Reds'. He dashes into the player's lounge and phones his mother to tell her all about it.
"Oh, Rigobert," she squeals, "I am so pleased and proud of you, at last you are playing for a great team - they may not be as great as they once were but I hear they have won the European Cup four times.
"But, son, things are not so good at home. I am really worried. The violence is getting too much, your sister has been raped twice, your dear Grandmother has been attacked in the street, there is raw sewage running down the roads, its becoming more like a war-zone every day.
"How we let you talk us into coming and living in Liverpool, I'll never know...."