"Sir do you mind steppin' outta the car and doin' a breath test."
"Look, you've had two pints, you're over the limit, that's a twelve month ban and a criminal record."
"Ey, it's company policy. I've got to let you go."
"I know there's only twenty thousand on the clock, but that's my final offer."
"Oh that's just great, Matt! No license, no job... now what?"
"So, what's it gonna be?"
"Fosters please, mate."
Ultimate phone prank:
1. Call the ChildLine number and say 'I've just dialed 1471 and this number came up, who is this?'
2. Operator replies 'you're through to ChildLine.'
3. You shout 'TERRY YOU LITTLE CUNT, NOT AGAIN....COME HERE YOU LITTLE BASTARD''. Before hanging up the phone.
Some random woman stopped me in the street today and started telling me a joke. It had all the ingredients of a good joke: child abuse; incestual rape; tears and suffering; but I didn't understand the punchline. Something about £2 a month?
Like most people my age,
When a man ejaculates, he comes at twenty miles per hour.
Which means it's perfectly safe to hit a child.