A single gene that is dramatically different in chimpanzees and humans may explain why apes cannot talk.
Oh well, at least they can still communicate through rap music.
What do you get if you cross a motorway with a flock of sheep?
A flock of dead sheep.
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."
A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.
Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realised that you weren't that hungry after all?
Saw a chameleon today.
So I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon.
I'd like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing bee-hive and thought:
"Those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it."
I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a letter to London Zoo;
"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a zoo, please send me two mongooses."
I thought that didn't sound right so I tried again;
"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me two mongeese."
Nope, that still didn't sound right;
"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me two mongi."
Ahh, fuck it, I thought,
"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me a mongoose.
P.S. Send me another one."
I bought a new book today called "How to end your pet's life with dignity"
Even after I'd read it, I just couldn't put it down.