A guy asks his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamborghini Countach - she loves this car and she goes everywhere in it.
One day, she picks up her kids from school. She's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor, "Where is my son? He was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham."
The doctor replies, "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he won't be able to kick a football any more."
The woman asks about her daughter. "Doctor, where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at Wimbledon."
The doctor says, "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she won't be able to pick up a racket any more."
She begins to cry.
"Doctor," asks the woman, "how long have I been in this coma?"
The doctor replies, "Six months."
"So what's the date?" asks the woman.
"April 1st," says the doctor.
The woman begins to laugh "So you were joking then, were you?"
The other day, whilst on the bus to work, some little shit thought it would be funny to burp in my face. All his little chums were sitting there laughing. I restrained myself from taking the kid's head off and calmly replied:
This eight-year-old girl goes into Santa's grotto.
She sits on his lap and Father Christmas says, "Hello little girl, what do you want for Christmas, my dear?"
The little girl says, "Some of my older friends at school have got some hair between their legs, and I would like some there too!"
Santa says, "Will a little white beard be okay?"