My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.
Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?"
What's the biggest difference between men and women?
What they mean, when they say: "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film."
I walked in on my daughter masturbating this morning.
She's still too young to understand what I was doing, though.
It's so awkward when you send a private text message to the wrong person.
The other day I wrote a message, "Hey babe, thinking of U makes my cock hard, can't wait to sex U up 2night" and sent it to my 10-year-old daughter.
Imagine how embarrassing it would have been if I'd sent that to the wrong person.
My Dad is a motherfucker.
One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, but the third one's arm was too short to reach.
My Gran said to me, "Young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young."
I had to explain, "That's because they aren't trying to fuck you now."
Yesterday, my mum asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party.
That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.
My mother-in-law borrowed £500 from me and I've not seen the bitch for six months!
Well worth it if you ask me!
I'm never having the sex talk with my son again.
I'm sick of listening to him boasting.