Farming Jokes

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smoke lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
An old man is sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise when he sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?" he shouts.

"A roll of chicken wire," the boy yells back.

"What you gonna do with that?" the old man asks.

"Catch me some chickens," says the boy.

"You damned fool," says the old man. "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he's dragging the chicken wire behind him with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise when he sees the boy walk by carrying something else.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?" he shouts.

"Roll of duck tape," the boy yells back.

"What you gonna do with that?" the old man asks.

"Catch me some ducks," says the boy.

"You damned fool," says the old man. "You can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he's trailing the unrolled duck tape behind him with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The same time next morning the old man sees the boy walk by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

"Hey boy, whatcha got there?" he shouts.

"A pussy willow," the boy yells back.

"Hold on," says the old man, "I'll get my hat."
As a shepherd, I hear lots of jokes about sheep.

I tried to tell them to my dog but he'd herd them all.
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on ANY land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologises, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... "Your badge... show him your BADGE!"
I was in Wales walking up and down hills when I noticed in the distance that a herd of cattle were all lying down.
"It looks like it's going to rain," I said to a passing farmer.
"Thank fuck for that," he answered. "It'll wash all those dead cows off the side of my hill."
Just been laid off from my job in the sweetcorn factory, apparently they can pay the same amount for 3 Polish blokes.

Fucking coming over here, peeling our cobs.
Hello Dragons,

I am an Agricultural Farmer and have produced a product that runs for free, with no carbon emissions produced, can be reproduced for free and increases productivity by almost 100%.

So with your investment of £30,000 I would buy bigger whips to use on the niggers.