A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Unbelievable. Tories in power for less than half an hour and already a Scottish family is unemployed and homeless.
I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.
If these people who sell the Big Issue smarten themselves up a bit, they might sell a few more copies. Christ, half of them look like bloody tramps!
I saw a homeless man sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning.
Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.
He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you."
"No problem." I smiled.
He looked at me again and said, "It's empty."
I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney."
A homeless guy just approached me asking for change.
I said, "Oh yeah, pal, asking me for money but I see you can afford those trendy jeans with the rips in."
I volunteered to do a stint in a soup kitchen.
At closing time, they get quite resentful when you say, "Come on, some of us have got homes to go to."
I was gonna give my change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU."
So I held onto it, just in case he was right.
My wife told me last night she wanted to try a bit of bum love.
Caught me off guard. Imagine fantasising about shagging homeless people.