I work at a McDonald's and a woman came in and ordered... 2 Big Mac Meals - Extra Large , for herself - but hold the mayo because she was on a diet
Best laugh I've had all day, cheers. Didn't really read past the 'I work at McDonald's bit' though.
My girlfriend told me I suffer from a lack of imagination.
I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination."
That showed her.
My dad always used to say, "If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?"
After visiting Sickipedia I see the obvious answer is blacks, the handicapped, and the dead.
She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back
Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan
Had more hands up her than Sooty!
She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle
It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!
She's got a face that could make an onion cry.
I wouldn't ride her into battle.
Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege
I wouldn't do her with a rusty pole
Mair chins than a Chinese phone book
She smells like an alkies carpet
She has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician
It's like shaggin a pail of water.
It's like shaggin the sleeve off a wizards cloak!
she's killed more cocks than a fowl butcher
Fanny like a ripped out fireplace
Face like a sand blasted tomato
Arse like a bag of washing
She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant
She's seen more helmets than Hitler
Face like a stuntman's knee
She's got a fanny like a badly packed kebab
Like opening the window and shagging the night
She's seen more cockends than weekends
A left her with a face like a painter's radio
Fanny like a clown's pocket
Fanny like a Hippo's yawn
She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out
I bet she's got a fanny like a pub carpet
More pricks than a second hand dartboard.
Face like a blind joiners thumb
She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew
She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo
Even the tide wouldn't take her out
Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard
Handled more balls than Dino Zoff
Pish flaps like John Wayne's saddle bags
She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout
A cunt like a burst couch
A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters
She's had more seamen than Saltcoats
She's seen more stiffs than Quincy !
She's seen more cokes than a bottle of Bacardi!
Cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun
The other day I was out in town when some chavs started on me, threatening to beat me up.
"Do you know who my dad is?" one of them asked.
"No," I replied. "Do you?"
Today during dinner my son had hardly touched his plate and the wife said, "Think of the poor children in Africa, Kyle"
He said back to her, "Do they have to eat this shite too?"
High fiving didn't impress her too much either.
If I had a pound for every time someone called me a cunt, I'd buy an iPhone.
My mate was taking the piss out of me for believing anything he told me and said if I looked in the dictionary under gullible there'd be a picture of me,
He's not such a clever fucker as I checked and he's totally wrong about that.
"I love you loads, honeypie." My wife said earlier.
"And I love you tons." I replied.
"What, no nickname for me?" She asked, disappointed.
Sometimes I swear the fat cow's going deaf.
I bumped into my ex in town earlier, I said:
"How's your new bloke?"
"He's twice the man you are," she sneered, "what about your new woman?"
I said, "Thankfully she's half the woman you are, you fat cunt." 59