Insults Jokes

True Story.

I work at a McDonald's and a woman came in and ordered... 2 Big Mac Meals - Extra Large , for herself - but hold the mayo because she was on a diet

Fat Bitch

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Best laugh I've had all day, cheers. Didn't really read past the 'I work at McDonald's bit' though.
My girlfriend told me I suffer from a lack of imagination.

I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination."

That showed her.
My dad always used to say, "If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?"

After visiting Sickipedia I see the obvious answer is blacks, the handicapped, and the dead.
Scottish insults:

She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan

Had more hands up her than Sooty!

She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!

She's got a face that could make an onion cry.

I wouldn't ride her into battle.

Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege

I wouldn't do her with a rusty pole

Mair chins than a Chinese phone book

She smells like an alkies carpet

She has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician

It's like shaggin a pail of water.

It's like shaggin the sleeve off a wizards cloak!

she's killed more cocks than a fowl butcher

Fanny like a ripped out fireplace

Face like a sand blasted tomato

Arse like a bag of washing

She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant

She's seen more helmets than Hitler

Face like a stuntman's knee

She's got a fanny like a badly packed kebab

Like opening the window and shagging the night

She's seen more cockends than weekends

A left her with a face like a painter's radio

Fanny like a clown's pocket

Fanny like a Hippo's yawn

She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out

I bet she's got a fanny like a pub carpet

More pricks than a second hand dartboard.

Face like a blind joiners thumb

She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew

She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo

Even the tide wouldn't take her out

Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard

Handled more balls than Dino Zoff

Pish flaps like John Wayne's saddle bags

She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout

A cunt like a burst couch

A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters

She's had more seamen than Saltcoats

She's seen more stiffs than Quincy !

She's seen more cokes than a bottle of Bacardi!

Cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun
The other day I was out in town when some chavs started on me, threatening to beat me up.

"Do you know who my dad is?" one of them asked.

"No," I replied. "Do you?"
My mate was taking the piss out of me for believing anything he told me and said if I looked in the dictionary under gullible there'd be a picture of me,

He's not such a clever fucker as I checked and he's totally wrong about that.
I bumped into my ex in town earlier, I said:

"How's your new bloke?"

"He's twice the man you are," she sneered, "what about your new woman?"

I said, "Thankfully she's half the woman you are, you fat cunt."