Misunderstanding Jokes

The missus came home steaming drunk last night.
"You up for some role play action, babe?" she asked with a wink.
"Not really," I replied.
"Oh, come on," she said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."
Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror...

As I shouted, "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.
I am naive. The lads in the pub were saying how good a blowjob is.
I didn't know what a blowjob was so I just agreed so as not to look daft. Later on at home I asked the girl I was seeing if she knew.
"Do you know what a blowjob is?"
She got up and walked out of the room, which was upsetting as she was sucking my dick at the time.
This guy from over the road was talking to me earlier.

"My wife's just told me she's been having an affair with Dave the milkman," he confided.

"What? That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"

"Yes," he laughed, cheering up.

"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"
I've just received a text from my girlfriend that reads:

"Hello birthday boy. When you get home from work, there'll be a hot bath waiting for you. When you've finished, come into the bedroom and I'll suck you dry ;)"

Fuck that, it'll take ages. I'll just use a towel.  
My girlfriend takes me by the hand and leads me down to the games room.

She gets on top of the snooker table and onto her hands and knees.

She's got on a skirt and I can see she's not wearing any knickers.

She says, "Pink or brown. Take your pick."

I said, "How the fuck can I play snooker when you're on the table?!"

Stupid cow.
I was having a shit in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.

He said, "Can I see your ticket please?"

"Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a shit!"

He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"

"No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."
I was walking down this street and this really sexy woman tells me, 'Oh my god. You are so hot. I want you to fuck me right now!'

It's true. You can ask Brad Pitt, he was right behind me.