When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.
I broke my G-string yesterday while fingering a minor.
To be fair, I was trying to play Knocking on Heaven's Door. Never mind, I'll just have to buy new strings.
The Zutons' bass player, Russell, mentioned once in an interview that he liked Maltesers and, at his next gig, he was bombarded with Maltesers.
Well, I happen to know that Ronan Keating is a shit and daggers man.
Granny knot, surgeon's knot, hangman's knot, square knot.
I can't do them, but my headphones sure fucking can.
Here's a picture of me with the band REM.
That's me in the corner.
If Elton John dies who the fuck are we going to get to sing at his funeral?
I had a great idea for a song. It would have vocals by a woman with a very average voice and a face to match, some irritating as fuck sped-up auto-tuned garbage, a token nigger rapping in a ridiculous put-on 'London' accent and the tune would be composed on a mobile phone ring-tone maker from the early Nineties.
When I took my idea to the record company, I got sued for plagiarism by nearly every fucking group in the top 40.
I was asked today if I liked Beyonce. I said, "Are you joking? I would lick the shit from her arsehole."
"Erm... OK..." my Gran replied. "Does that mean you'd like her album for your birthday?"
An African lady called Betty came into my restaurant and asked "Is there any chicken on the menu?"
I replied "No black Betty, it's ham or lamb."
I spent the night in a haunted house once and made a run for it when I heard steps coming from upstairs.
I don't know which sick bastard was playing the CD but I didn't hang around to find out. 149