I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!
What do fat women get on Valentine's Day?
Get my coat, you've pulled a chauvinist.
Are all girls claustrophobic? It's like every single one freaks out when they're locked in the boot of a car.
Bit disappointed that my Amish online dating site hasn't taken off yet.
As I watched an old lady struggling to keep her balance whilst crossing the road with her shopping - I thought to myself
"I wonder if I would laugh if she were to fall over"
And then I burst into hysterics
As she was hit by a bus.
I was once abducted by aliens. They made me wipe my face, blow my nose and eat my greens.
I think I was on board the mothership.
I always wanted to be a people person.
But people keep fucking ruining it for me.
I can tell whether someone likes strangers staring at them or not just by looking at them.
Remember when everyone had diaries got pissed off when someone read them?
Now they put everything on Facebook and get pissed off when they don't. 23