I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!
What do fat women get on Valentine's Day?
Get my coat, you've pulled a chauvinist.
Are all girls claustrophobic? It's like every single one freaks out when they're locked in the boot of a car.
Bit disappointed that my Amish online dating site hasn't taken off yet.
As I watched an old lady struggling to keep her balance whilst crossing the road with her shopping - I thought to myself
"I wonder if I would laugh if she were to fall over"
And then I burst into hysterics
As she was hit by a bus.
I was once abducted by aliens. They made me wipe my face, blow my nose and eat my greens.
I think I was on board the mothership.
I always wanted to be a people person.
But people keep fucking ruining it for me.
I can tell whether someone likes strangers staring at them or not just by looking at them.
To be a brave woman, you must put a photo of yourself wearing no make-up on Facebook for charity.
To be a brave man, you must make friends with Jason Manford, single-handedly make millions for charity and die of cancer. 22