Professions Jokes

My cousin's a lazy bastard - sits around all day doing fuck all, drinking, surfing the internet for porn.


Jeez, I wish I had an office job too!
An old man was in hospital. Lying in bed, he leaned over to the pretty young nurse attending to him and whispered in her ear
"Give us a kiss, luv!"

"No!", replied the nurse

"Oh go on!", said the man

"No!", replied the nurse again

"Please!", begged the old man, "Just a quick peck on the cheek?"

"For the last time, no!", said the nurse, "I shouldn't even be wanking you off!"
My sexy secretary bent over at the office today, so I pulled down her panties and tried to start fingering her, but she screamed and ran away.

I was very confused and pondered the situation for a long time.

I've come to the conclusion that real life must be different to porn movies.
A travelling salesman stops at a petrol station to take a crap. The toilet has two stalls and there's a man already there using one of them. The two men acknowledge each other and go about their business. The salesman finishes first and as he pulls his trousers up, some coins drop into the toilet bowl. He looks at it, thinks for a moment and drops a 20 pound note into the bowl. The other man, astonished, asks, "Why the hell did you do that?" The salesman says, "You don't expect me to put my hand in there for 35 pence do you?"
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a policeman writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked jerk off. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tyres!

So I called him a horse's arse, he finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I could only imagine what the owner of the car will think when he sees all the tickets.