The other day I was mocking my wife, "Why do you wear a bra? You've got nothing to put in it."
Fucking bitch replied, "You wear briefs, don't you?"
Similar to Willy Wonka putting 5 golden tickets into bars of chocolate, Walkers have started a new competition where they have placed 5 crisps into their bags of air.
Just a thought...
If Jesus was born in Bethlehem and spent all his time in Nazareth, why were all his disciples called 'John' and 'Mark' and 'Luke'?
Were they fucking gap year students or something? They're not very Jewish names are they?
Saw that a black friend of mine was about to use some 'Clearasil blackhead remover' the other day so I told him that he really shouldn't use that product.
"Why not? Because my head will disappear?" he said sarcastically.
"No, because it's mine, you thieving black bastard," I replied.
I was heading into a pub the other night with a bag of chips when the guy on the door goes to me..."Sorry mate this is not a chip shop"...
I stood there for a minute and said "Why the fuck would I bring a bag of chips into a chip shop?"
When I left home, my mum said, "Don't forget to write."
I thought, "That's unlikely... It's a basic skill, isn't it?"
I was in London today and jumped into a black cab. I said, "Waterloo, mate."
He said, "The station?"
"Well, I'm a bit late for the battle."
Fuck seems to know where everything is.
My mate said to me today he was having a halloween party and he asked me if I'd come.
I said I'd go as maddie mccann, which I suppose was nicer than saying I wasnt gonna fucking show up.
Just noticed on the cap of a drink 'Open By Hand'.
Wow, so helpful...
I was about to use a fucking screwdriver.
Thank God I saw that. 143