I have a dream: a dream that, one day, chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.
Some say that footballers deserve their ludicrous wages, others say that soldiers deserve the money instead.
It really makes you think, isn't there some way people who pass their GCSEs could have it?
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat the fuck outta them",
because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
I hate people that say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him."
They might as well just say, "He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it."
"The greatest thing about the internet, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source." - George Washington.
Fuck seems to know where everything is.
My wife accused me of being self-important.
I nearly fell off my throne.
A bad workman blames his fools
I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.
She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;
"Get a fucking grip, you stupid bitch."
I saw a bloke being completely henpecked by his girlfriend on The Jeremy Kyle Show.
You could really see who wears the tracksuit bottoms in their relationship. 260