My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.
Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.
I accidentally sent a picture of my dick to everyone in my address book today.
Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.
My mate just said to me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"
I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."
I walked out of a club with a girl last night.
She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my cock and said, "Yours or mine?"
I said, "That's mine."
I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'.
You probably saw our posters.
I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."
Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."
She said, "Yes you are."
I said, "No I'm fucking not."
She said, "Can you tell the time?"
I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not fucking drunk."
Just finished reading the fifth book in the "learning to count" trilogy.
Fool people into thinking you've been to Madame Tussauds by having your photo taken with various celebrities.
I left my phone at home this morning, I've just nipped home at lunchtime to pick it up and my wife had sent me a text at 9:38am saying:
"Hi hun, you've left your phone in the kitchen"
What the fuck am I still doing with this woman?
I remember being told that everytime you shave it off, it grows back thicker.
Can't wait to see my new cock.