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The best of Eoghain616's 14 jokes (View All)
| Pet Diaries---------- Excerpts from a Dog's Diary * 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! * 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! * 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! * 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! * 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! * 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! * 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! * 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing! * 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! * 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! * 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! Excerpts from a Cat's Diary Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now... |    |
Joke by eoghain616, in Jokes with no home > Pets - Tagged diary , animals , pets , cats , dogs , birds , food , sleep , retarded - Current Score: 395 - Added: 4 weeks ago
| At a meeting in a synagogue, Yossef asks the Rabbi, "Rabbi, why do people hate us so much?" The Rabbi says, "That's an interesting question. How about we all talk about it tomorrow over some vodka. Each one of you should bring a bottle so we can mix it in a big pot and drink and discuss, and the answer will become clear." Yossef went home and thought to himself, "If everyone else is going to bring a bottle of vodka, if I bring a bottle of water then no-one will notice the difference." And water was what he brought. The Rabbi poured all the vodka together in one pot and started mixing it. Yossef got anxious. "Well, Rabbi, what is the answer to my question? Why do people hate us so much?" The Rabbi filled a cup and said, "Drink this Yossef." Yossef did and said, "But this is water!" "And this is why the people hate us." | |
Joke by eoghain616, in Sex and shit > Adultery - Tagged synagogue , rabbi , money , tight , yids - Current Score: 105 - Added: 8 months ago
| What did God say after creating man? "I can do much better!" What did God say after creating woman? "Guess I was wrong!" | |
Joke by eoghain616, in Religion and racism > God - Tagged god , man - Current Score: 84 - Added: 9 months ago
| A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.". "What?" asks the priest, "what happened?". "You gave birth to a child!". "But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby." About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.". | |
Joke by eoghain616, in Religion and racism > Catholicism - Tagged childbirth - Current Score: 75 - Added: 3 weeks ago
| Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes." Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed. The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching powder and poured a little of it into the Queen's brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew in intensity. Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth. King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote lotion into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts. Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder onto King Arthur's loincloth. King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master ... Moral of the story: Pay your bills | |
Joke by eoghain616, in Sex and shit > Moral - Tagged nuzzle , king arthur - Current Score: 68 - Added: 10 months ago
| One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort of stands up, and then Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies." Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh, darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry." | |
Joke by eoghain616, in Sex and shit > Blow Job - Tagged school , little girl - Current Score: 49 - Added: 10 months ago
| Exit signs. They're on the way out, aren't they? [Tim Vine] | |
Joke by eoghain616, in Jokes with no home > Accident - Tagged tim vine - Current Score: 46 - Added: 10 months ago
| Little johnny walks in on his mum and dad having sex "what're you doing?", he asks "umm", says his dad "we're playing poker-she's my wildcard." A day later he walks in on his brother having sex with his girlfriend and again asks "what're you doing? His brother replies "we're playing poker and she's my wildcard" Two days later his dad walks in on little johnny having a wank "what're you doing?", he asks "i'm playing poker., says johnny "well where's your wildcard?" "who needs a wildcard when you've got a good hand." | |
Joke by Eoghain616, in Sex and shit > Little Johnny - Tagged poker , wildcard - Current Score: 45 - Added: 1 year ago
| How are tornadoes and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house. | |
Joke by Eoghain616, in Sex and shit > Young girls - Tagged tornadoes , marraige - Current Score: 45 - Added: 1 year ago
| I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought - he's trying to pull a fast one [Tim Vine] | |
Joke by eoghain616, in Jokes with no home > Accident - Tagged cheetah , tim vine - Current Score: 37 - Added: 10 months ago
Custurd spent 0.38ms doing 16 queries and -0.24s processing. She's 8.02% angry.
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