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The best of Gobshite's 43 jokes (View All)
| During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of notes and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender. "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man. With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop." The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!" The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!" |    |
Joke by Gobshite, in Jokes with no home > Gambling - Tagged gambler , eye , teeth , piss , drunk - Current Score: 171 - Added: 1 year ago
| What's Madeleine and the Maddie Fund got in common? Gerry's put his fingers into both. | |
Joke by Gobshite, in Celebrity and news events > A Levels - Tagged maddie fund , madeleine , madeleine mccann , maddie - Current Score: 122 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed. Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily. "What happened?" asked Posh . "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh. The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow." | |
Joke by Gobshite, in Celebrity and news events > Posh And Becks - Tagged posh , driver - Current Score: 120 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the postman was lying dead on their porch. | |
Joke by Gobshite, in Sex and shit > Sex - Tagged labour , couple , doctor , baby - Current Score: 110 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope." The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!" | |
Joke by Gobshite, in Sex and shit > Penis - Tagged penis , frog , witch , doctor - Current Score: 83 - Added: 1 year ago
| I'm the DJ at HM Revenue & Customs Xmas party this year. I wonder if my records will be safe | |
Joke by Gobshite, in Celebrity and news events > Child Benefit Data - Tagged child benefit , dj , xmas party , records - Current Score: 72 - Added: 1 year ago
| An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "you Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your 'automobiles' on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window." | |
Joke by Gobshite, in Sex and shit > Young girls - Tagged american , english , train , dog - Current Score: 71 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| A man went into a supermarket, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout. The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?" The man replies, "Yes I do." The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?" The man replies, "No, I left it at home." The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog." A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout. The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?" The man replies, "Yes I do." The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?" And the man replies, "No, I left it at home." Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat." A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag. The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey." The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?" | |
Joke by Gobshite, in Sex and shit > Shit - Tagged dog , cat , cashier - Current Score: 70 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| Why don't Muslims get their hair washed? Because they get their brains washed instead | |
Joke by Gobshite, in Sex and shit > Paedophile - Tagged muslim , brains , hair , dirty fuckers - Current Score: 68 - Added: 11 months ago
| To all you Americans. It's football not soccer! It's jelly not jello! It's a spanner not a monkey wrench! It's a bonnet not a hood! It's a holiday not a vacation! And to those of you in California......Bonfire Night is in November! | |
Joke by Gobshite, in Celebrity and news events > Californian Fires - Tagged california , fires - Current Score: 56 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
Custurd spent 0.09ms doing 16 queries and 0.07s processing. She's 0.15% angry.
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