How do you know if your girlfriend is too young for you? You have to make aeroplane noises to get your cock in her mouth.

What does a ginger miss most about parties? The invitation.

What is the most stupid animal in the jungle? A polar bear.

What's the difference between toast and a frenchman? You can make soldiers out of toast.

Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles." The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog." "Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?" "Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal." "Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that." So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would. And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...

Still no sign of Pakistan setting up an earthquake fund for Britain, is there? I say, next time they have one, fuck em!

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French cunt again.'

A deaf mute man is working his way up in the Triads and finally gets the job of collecting "protection" money on a small patch in China Town. After a few weeks though he gets greedy and starts to cream off some of the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Triad bosses however soon realise that they are short by about £40,000 and send their best enforcer to sort it out. He finds the deaf mute collector and asks him where the money is, but they can't communicate so the enforcer draggs the guy to one of the poor restaurant owners who he knew could use sign language. "Ask him where the money is." The restaurant owner signs to the man who'd been terrorising the neighbourhood for weeks "Where's the money?" The deaf mute replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the enforcer this, who immediately pulls out a gun and points in the collector's mouth. "NOW ask him where the money is." The terrified deaf-mute signs back, "The £40,000 is in deposit box 542 at Paddington Station and the key is in the glove compartment of my car." The restaurant owner says to the Triad, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger, and your mother sucks cock for money."

Me and the wife were trying roleplay in the bedroom last night. She walked out in a huff after 30 seconds. Apparently, asking your wife to pretend to be your daughter isn't very sexy.

What do you call Tim Westwood in a car? A Cunt.

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