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The best of IrishRussell's 12 jokes (View All)
| In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!" The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!" |    |
Joke by IrishRussell, in Jokes with no home > Toilet - Tagged boss , toilets , sinks - Current Score: 207 - Added: 10 months ago
| The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the Blue Wkds went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted. | |
Joke by IrishRussell, in Jokes with no home > Drinking Jokes - Tagged drubk - Current Score: 101 - Added: 11 months ago
| An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces." The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good." The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore. I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes." | |
Joke by IrishRussell, in Illness and mortality > Old people - Tagged old , men , viagra - Current Score: 96 - Added: 11 months ago
| Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in *The Act*. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!" | |
Joke by IrishRussell, in Sex and shit > Adultery - Tagged son , sex , milkman - Current Score: 87 - Added: 11 months ago
| The Blind Mans blond Joke A blind man and his guide dog enter a Bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blond with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blond and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blond, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." | |
Joke by Irishrussell, in Illness and mortality > Blindness - Tagged blind - Current Score: 71 - Added: 5 months, 26 days ago
| Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for 20 minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again." The 85-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem." Then the 90-year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6 a.m. sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 a.m. sharp, I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7 a.m." | |
Joke by IrishRussell, in Illness and mortality > Old people - Tagged old people - Current Score: 49 - Added: 11 months ago
| What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. | |
Joke by IrishRussell, in Jokes with no home > Sick - Tagged piss , beef , difference , soup - Current Score: 21 - Added: 10 months ago
| A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office? I give it to them, replied the lawyer, and then I send them a bill. The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer | |
Joke by IrishRussell, in Illness and mortality > Doctor - Tagged doctor , lawer , bill , party - Current Score: 20 - Added: 11 months ago
| A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out." | |
Joke by IrishRussell, in Jokes with no home > Accident - Tagged wife , planes , money - Current Score: 18 - Added: 11 months ago
| Returning home from work, a blond was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blond ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!" | |
Joke by IrishRussell, in Celebrity and news events > viagra - Tagged blind - Current Score: 15 - Added: 11 months ago
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