My girlfriend insisted that I would make a horrible father so to prove her wrong, I bought a new ivy plant to hang in my living room and told her that I could keep it alive for a full year. It died within the first month. We broke up the next day when the cunt showed up at my door to mock me.
"I'm so sorry your plant died. I know it can be hard remembering to water it, which is why I got you something more suitable to your caretaking skills. It's a fake plant!!"

[...]

My girlfriend insisted that I would make a horrible father so to prove her wrong, I bought a new ivy plant to hang in my living room and told her that I could keep it alive for a full year. It died within the first month. We broke up the next day when the cunt showed up at my door to mock me.
"I'm so sorry your plant died. I know it can be hard remembering to water it, which is why I got you something more suitable to your caretaking skills. It's a fake plant!!"

A couple years later I heard that her newborn daughter had died so I decided to stop by and offer my condolences.
"I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I know you probably feel horrible for letting her fall down that flight of stairs, which is why I got you something more suitable to your parenting skills. It's a slinky!!"