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The best of McLOVIN's 56 jokes (View All)
| A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave." |    |
Joke by McLOVIN, in Sex and shit > Wife - Tagged birthday , wife , doorman , ladies , husband , cab , club - Current Score: 226 - Added: 11 months ago
| A man says to his wife, "I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?" The wife hastily replies, "No, I might go deaf!" To which the man replies, "I've been shooting my load in your mouth for the last 20 years and you're still fucking talking aren't you?" | |
Joke by McLOVIN, in Sex and shit > Blow Job - Tagged kinky , sex , blow , load , ear , mouth , years , wife , man - Current Score: 180 - Added: 1 year ago
| A bloke walks into a pub with an octopus and says, "This is a very talented octopus. I'll give £500 to anyone who has an instrument the octopus can't play." A guy walks up with a guitar. The octopus takes the guitar and plays it like Jimmy Hendrix. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet like Dizzy Gillespie. A third guy walks up with a set of bag pipes. The octopus fumbles with it, and then sets it down, looking confused. The guy says "Ha! you can't play it." The octopus says, "play it? As soon as I get its pyjamas off, I'm gonna shag it." | |
Joke by McLOVIN, in Celebrity and news events > Octopus - Tagged octopus , hendrix , jimi , piano , scotsman - Current Score: 137 - Added: 1 year ago
| A man walks into a bar and orders ten double whiskies, downs 'em in one. The barman says, "what's up?" The man replies, "my youngest son's just told me that he's gay." The next day, the same man goes in and orders fifteen double whiskies. "What's up now?" asks the barman. "I just found out my eldest son is gay," he replies. The next day he goes in and orders twenty whiskies. "Fuck me!" says the barman, "does no one in your family like pussy?" "Yes," he replies. "My wife, apparently." | |
Joke by McLOVIN, in Sex and shit > Gay - Tagged gay , drink - Current Score: 137 - Added: 1 year ago
| A tramp walks into a jewellers, puts his hands down his trousers and starts fingering his arsehole. The sales assistant shouts at him 'Stop what you're doing and get out!' The tramp says 'You want to make your fucking minds up, you've a sign on the window says come inside and pick your ring in comfort.' | |
Joke by McLOVIN, in Sex and shit > Anal - Tagged anal , fingering , arse , ring , dirty , tramp , shop , assistant , comfort - Current Score: 114 - Added: 1 year ago
| A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the pavement before stopping just inches from a lamppost. After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!" "Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says. "It's not your fault," replies the cabbie. "Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse." | |
Joke by McLOVIN, in Illness and mortality > Dead - Tagged taxi , job , passenger , driver - Current Score: 111 - Added: 1 year ago
| A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself". On the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horny and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board. After a few minutes 'slap and tickle', they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor's orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shat on my face, bit three inches off my dick and my neighbour came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!" | |
Joke by McLOVIN, in Sex and shit > Sex - Tagged doctor , sex , man , problem , wife , bed , naked , 69 - Current Score: 107 - Added: 1 year ago
| A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream." | |
Joke by McLOVIN, in Jokes with no home > Animals - Tagged road , trip , car , penguin , flipper , frozen , mechanic , fish - Current Score: 104 - Added: 1 year ago
| Johnny goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest ask, "Is that you, little Johnny Babineaux? "Yes, Father it is." "And who was the woman you were with?" Johnny says, "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Comeaux?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Thibodeaux?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Olivier?" "I'm sorry but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Prejean?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa Prudhomme, then?" "Please, Father," Johnny pleaded, "I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Babineaux and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Jack slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" Johnny replies, "Four months vacation and five good leads..." | |
Joke by McLOVIN, in Sex and shit > Little Johnny - Tagged nun , sex , priest , woman , father , johnny , confession , vacation , months - Current Score: 94 - Added: 5 months ago
| This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window... He tells her to take down her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!" | |
Joke by McLOVIN, in Sex and shit > Women - Tagged doctor , beautiful , sex , checking - Current Score: 93 - Added: 1 year ago
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