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The best of PALROSS's 30 jokes (View All)
| A student brings a girl he picked up back to his flat, and after going through the house the girl notices a giant gong and a mallet. She asks him what it's for, and he reiples "It's a talking clock". She's amazed and asks him how it works, so the student proceeds to pick up the mallet and hit the gong as hard as he can. The two stand there for a moment, before a voice from the other side of the wall screams "Hey, it's three fifteen in the fucking morning!" |    |
Joke by PALROSS, in Jokes with no home > Drinking Jokes - Tagged talking clock - Current Score: 219 - Added: 1 year ago
| A man was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said: You fucking twat get off my oxygen pipe!!! | |
Joke by PALROSS, in Illness and mortality > A Man Was...... - Tagged doctor - Current Score: 193 - Added: 11 months ago
| Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face." | |
Joke by PALROSS, in Sex and shit > Erections - Tagged nervous , erection , duct tape - Current Score: 130 - Added: 11 months ago
| A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.". "Listen love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep. The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds for that!" To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers...." | |
Joke by PALROSS, in Jokes with no home > Trains - Tagged bloke , train , prawns , knitting - Current Score: 120 - Added: 11 months ago
| Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland " The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am" The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I. So did I. And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self." About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight" Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?" "The Murphy twins are drunk again." | |
Joke by PALROSS, in Religion and racism > Irish - Tagged irish , pub - Current Score: 101 - Added: 8 months ago
| A husband and wife get married young and, on their honeymoon, the wife discovers something quirky about her husband: he refuses to make love with the lights on. This doesn't really bother her so she decides to just let it go and accept her husband's quirks. Years pass and the husband still remains adamant about keeping the lights off, and the wife starts wondering why this could be. She finally decides to do something about it and, one night, in the middle of a tryst, she turns on the bedside lamp. She looks down and sees her husband holding a flesh textured, much larger than regular, dildo. "How could you have been lying to me all these years?" she yells at him. The husband looks straight back at her and answers, "Honey, you shouldn't get upset." "Shouldn't get upset? how can you possibly explain this?" "Ok, tell you what. I'll explain this, if you explain the children." | |
Joke by PALROSS, in Sex and shit > Dildo - Tagged man , wife , dildo , kids - Current Score: 101 - Added: 10 months ago
| Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes." "What? He had two arseholes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes'." | |
Joke by PALROSS, in Religion and racism > Irish - Tagged paddy , seamus , sean , deadbody - Current Score: 94 - Added: 9 months, 28 days ago
| Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen... Nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!" Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old concrete block and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently... They hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them! They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with it head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground, its moving so fast! The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole, to its doom. The two look at each other and say, "Boy that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!". So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened. "Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked. The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?" The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat. The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat is really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied to a big, old concrete block." | |
Joke by PALROSS, in Jokes with no home > There was two guys.... - Tagged hole - Current Score: 89 - Added: 10 months ago
| There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!" | |
Joke by PALROSS, in Jokes with no home > POST OFFICE - Tagged old lady , post office , god - Current Score: 82 - Added: 11 months ago
| A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom see's her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time" says the boy. "Why is that?" asked him mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up." | |
Joke by PALROSS, in Sex and shit > Blow Job - Tagged blowjob - Current Score: 67 - Added: 11 months ago
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