I slept with one of those 'high class' prostitutes the other week. I'm not happy though, the bitch gave me lobsters.

I stopped a woman from being raped last night. I stayed in.

I got asked to judge 'Mr Gay UK' the other week. I said no problem, he's immoral, against nature and he's going to hell.

I was at work the other day when a bloke come up to me and said " I can't do it!" "Do What?" I replied. "No matter how hard I try, I can't do a Welsh accent. I just end up sounding like a paki" I said "well you're just gonna have to keep practicing Ahmed"

An elderly farmer decides he's had enough of milking his cows by hand so he decides to invest some money in an electronic, industrial milking machine. After a couple of days his new 'state of the art' device arrives. He waits around until his wife is out for the day and decides to test the machine on himself. Once its installed he pops his pecker into the 'udder sucker' and switches the machine on. After having the best orgasm of his life old boy decides he better switch the machine off and get his pants back on, it's then he realises he's stuck in the machine. After trying everything he could think to release himself he decides to call the customer service helpline. "Hello," he says, "I've recently purchased a milking machine from your good selves. It works just fine, but i was wondering how you remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry sir, this is state of the art technology." Replies the salesman, "The device will release automatically once it's collected 2 gallons."

I read in the paper the other day how a clairvoyant midget escaped from prison. The headline said 'Small Medium at Large'.

A man goes to the doctors complaining about a pain in his backside. The doc tells him to take his pants off and hop on the bed. The man does this and the doctor takes a look. "My lord!" says the doc, and with that he pulls a lettuce leaf from the man's arse. The patient is clearly concerned, "tell me doc, how serious is this?" The doctor looks up with a worried expression on his face, he says "I'm afraid this is just the tip of the iceberg"

Knock, Knock, Who's there? Biggish, Biggish who? Fuck off you homeless Cunt!

Did you hear about the new Viagra eye-drops? Apparently they make you look hard.

I was very disapointed after reading today that a man can get paid 60 pounds just for donating his sperm. Its tragic just to think about all that money I've let slip through my fingers

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