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The best of ReigatePen's 80 jokes (View All)

My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said "we need to talk about our future".

I said "yeah, it's gonna be fucking mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"


I'm now single.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by ReigatePen, in Jokes with no home > Girlfriend - Tagged girlfriend , future  - Current Score: 251 - Added: 3 days ago

Stephen Hawking had a hot date last night.

She stood him up...

And he immediately fell on the floor.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by ReigatePen, in Celebrity and news events > Stephen Hawking - Tagged stephen hawking  - Current Score: 228 - Added: 2 months ago

Personally, I've wanted to see Gordon Brown come down hard on knives for ages.I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by ReigatePen, in Celebrity and news events > Knife Crime - Tagged knife crime , gordon brown  - Current Score: 145 - Added: 1 week ago

I don't know what's wrong with young people these days - I was waiting at the bus stop the other day when a group of yobs across the road started shouting "Oi, you wanker!" and "Oi, you dirty cunt!". Why can't they let me masturbate in peace?I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by ReigatePen, in Sex and shit > Wanking - Tagged wanking , masturbation  - Current Score: 138 - Added: 4 months ago

My gran died last week. The funeral director said, "bury her with something she liked."

As the coffin lowered into the ground, all we could hear was granddad shouting for help.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by ReigatePen, in Illness and mortality > Funeral - Tagged funeral , gran , grandad , mickle  - Current Score: 127 - Added: 4 months ago

I was walking along the road the other day when a yob came over and said "Come on you fucker!...let's see what you've got!" After a week in hospital reflecting, I've come to the conclusion that perhaps this wasn't an invitation to show him my penis.I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by ReigatePen, in Jokes with no home > Yob - Tagged yob , penis  - Current Score: 126 - Added: 3 months ago

I see they're planning to make a biopic about the life of John Lennon.


Anyone know when they start shooting?		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by ReigatePen, in Celebrity and news events > John Lennon - Tagged john lennon , beatles , biopic  - Current Score: 123 - Added: 3 days ago

I got ten texts today asking me for hot sex tonight.

I wouldn't have minded, but I'd borrowed my girlfriend's mobile for the day.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by ReigatePen, in Sex and shit > Sex - Tagged sex , mobile , girlfriend  - Current Score: 114 - Added: 2 months ago

Why doesn't Viagra work on chavs?

Cos they only get hard when they've got ten mates behind them.		I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by ReigatePen, in Religion and racism > Chavs - Tagged chavs , viagra  - Current Score: 113 - Added: 4 months ago

Jeez, I nearly shat myself today - I was sitting on the tube when I heard a loud ticking noise. No worries though - I looked to my left and saw a teacher marking a school book.I like this! This is poor. Edit this
Joke by ReigatePen, in Jokes with no home > Bomb - Tagged bomb , tube , teacher , school  - Current Score: 110 - Added: 1 month, 28 days ago

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