What's the difference between Heather Mills and your car? You don't burst out laughing whenever your car has a breakdown.

How does an Englishman get his apples down? He uses a Pole.

What's the difference between a cow and a tragedy? A scouser wouldn't know how to milk a cow.

The pope goes to America and gets picked up at the airport by a Cadillac Limo with the windows blacked out. After a while, the driver hears a rapping on the glass partition and winds it down. 'You know, since I was a little boy I've always dreamed of driving a Caddy,' says the pope. Not wanting to refuse a request by God's representative on Earth, the driver pulls over and they swap places. The pope has a wonderful time screaming down the freeway at 100mph, but it's not long before blue lights pull the car over. The policeman has words, then returns to his vehicle and gets on the radio. 'Dispatch - you better get me the chief' he whispers. 'Roger that.' A pause. 'Chief here. What's up?' 'I've just pulled somebody over and I think they're quite important and I don't know what to do,' whispers the policeman. 'You haven't pulled over the mayor again have you?' 'No, I think they're more important than the mayor.' 'The governor?' 'No, I think they're more important than the governor.' 'Oh my god! You haven't pulled over the president have you?' 'No, I think they're more important than the president.' 'WHAT? How can anyone possibly be more important than the president of the United States?' 'I dunno, but he's got the pope as a chauffeur...'

What do Scousers have in common with sperm? There's millions of them, but only one actually works.

Out of his tiny mind on the jungle juice, Brian opens the front door as quietly as Bacchus will allow and creeps inside... Terrified of waking his rather highly-strung and generally irate wife, he begins to tip-toe up the stairs. Unfortunately, he slips on the first step and lands hard on his arse, smashing the empty bottle of whiskey he had been idiotically carrying in his back pocket. Undeterred, he staggers up the stairs, goes into the bathroom and turns the light on. 'Urgh - fuck,' he mutters to himself, pulls his pants down, angles the mirror so he can see his (badly bleeding) arse, slowly picks out the broken shards of glass and starts sticking on the Band-Aids. The next morning Brian is rudely awoken by a bucket of cold water thrown over him by his (obviously irate) wife. 'You went out on the piss last night, didn't you, after you promised not to, you fucking little shit.' 'Wha-what makes you think that?' 'Oh, I don't know, maybe it's the fact that the front door was left open, or the broken bottle of Jameson's in the hallway, or perhaps the trail of blood on the stairs...,' she growls sardonically. '...But mainly it's the fact that the fucking bathroom mirror is covered in fucking Band-Aids.'

What's the difference between cows and beatles? Heather Mills disapproves of milking cows.

Calm down dear, let's not turn this little rape into full-blown murder...

Why does Rupert The Bear wear tartan trousers? Because he's a cunt.

What's the difference between Jesus and George Michael? George Michael can't use his hand as a glory hole.

Joke by TGS, in Religion and racism > Jesus - Tagged jesus , george , michael , glory hole , both , homs , who , like , nothing , better , than , a , big , fat , sailor's , cock , up , their , arse  - Current Score: -7 - Added: 2 months ago

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