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The best of aliaSligo's 9 jokes (View All)
| It has been revealled that the latest research shows more money is now spent on boob jobs and viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, the elderly will all have perky tits and stiff cocks, but absolutely no idea why. |    |
Joke by aliaSligo, in Illness and mortality > Alzheimers - Tagged tits and viagra - Current Score: 126 - Added: 4 months ago
| A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa. He shot & dropped a bird but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor & asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck & it fell in this field & now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property & you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand & if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you & take everything you own." The old farmer smiled & said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times & then you kick me three times & so on back & forth until one gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest & decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor & walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin & dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will & remaining strength & very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled & said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck." | |
Joke by aliaSligo, in Jokes with no home > Accident - Tagged lawyer , shooting , gun , duck , fuck , new zealand , old people , beating em up , fight - Current Score: 114 - Added: 4 months, 30 days ago
| Lucky that family left their home in Farnborough for the weekend before the plane crashed into it. But its a shame they left the landing-lights on | |
Joke by aliaSligo, in Celebrity and news events > Farnborough Plane Crash - Tagged plane , crash , farnborough - Current Score: 63 - Added: 4 months, 30 days ago
| Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar at 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump." The blond replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again." | |
Joke by aliasligo, in Religion and racism > Blondes - Tagged dumbass , blonde , bitch - Current Score: 51 - Added: 4 months ago
| Jake, an older fellow, joins a nudist colony. At the reception, he paid the reception clerk $500 joining fee. The clerk tells jake 'strip off, put your clothes in your locker, and go through that door and have a look round'. Jake strips and walks through the door, and as he approaches a very beautiful woman, he gets an instant erection. 'Did you call me'? The woman said. 'No' Jake replied. She looks at his erection and said 'Around here when a man gets an erection near a woman we say he called her'. With that she grabs his cock and drags him to the nearest bed and fucks his brains out. When Jake recovers a little he enters the showers and as he is washing his cock and balls he lets out a very loud fart. A huge man enters the shower with an enormous erection, 'Did you call me'? He said. 'NO,NO,NO'! said Jake. 'Well around here' the huge man said 'When a man farts near another man we say he has called him'. With that the huge man bends Jake over the towel rail and fucks his ass hard and rough. Jake storms off to reception and yells at the reception clerk 'YOU CAN KEEP THE $500,I AM OFF,NEVER TO RETURN'! 'But Jake' answered the reception clerk 'You only just got here, you haven't experienced the colony yet'. 'I have experienced enough' Jake replied. 'I am 66 years old, I get an erection only once a month, but I fart at least 40 times a day'. | |
Joke by aliaSligo, in Sex and shit > Naked Body - Tagged ass , fart , fuck - Current Score: 47 - Added: 4 months ago
| A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger's. The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about? "Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea," To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?" | |
Joke by aliaSligo, in Sex and shit > Virgin - Tagged child , wit - Current Score: 33 - Added: 4 months, 30 days ago
| One day a 10 year old boy was walking down the road when a car pulled up beside him. "I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" the driver said. "No way, get stuffed" replied the boy. "How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver. "No" replied the irritated youngster. "What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh?" quizzed the driver, still driving slowly to keep up with the walking boy. "No, I'm not getting in the car!" answered the boy "OK, I know what you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies', the driver offered. "NO," screamed the boy. "What will it take to get you into the car?" asked the driver with a long sigh. The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it." | |
Joke by aliaSligo, in Sex and shit > Child Abuse - Tagged skoda , father , son - Current Score: 31 - Added: 4 months, 30 days ago
| The Evolution of British Maths Teaching 1. Teaching Maths In 1970 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? 2. Teaching Maths In 1980 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80. What is his profit? 3. Teaching Maths In 1990 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80. Did he make a profit? 4. Teaching Maths In 2000 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 5. Teaching Maths In 2007 A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of £20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: how did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. ) 6. Teaching Maths 2017 <Arabic Text> my apologies. it didnt come out right Wait, so Arab doesn't work on Sickipedia? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! | |
Joke by aliaSligo, in Religion and racism > Muslim - Tagged maths - Current Score: 8 - Added: 4 months, 30 days ago
| A six year boy comes home from school and asks his daddy; "tell me daddy how does a home work?" "Well son, I am the capitalist I make sure that there is bread and butter on the table and all the bills are paid. Your mother is the government, she makes sure that all the administrative and disciplinary issues are taken care off; The gardener and the maid, these are the workers; Your six month old sister, this is the future;" "Thank you daddy now I understand." A few days later the young lad comes from school and finds his baby sister has 'shat' on herself and crying yelling for attention. He runs to call his mother and knocks on her door but finds her asleep. He then run to call the maid but in her room he finds his father on top of her, panting. "Daddy now I understand. When the government is asleep, the Capitalist is fucking the workers and the future is in shit." | |
Joke by aliaSligo, in Sex and shit > Adultery - Tagged shit , baby , capitalist - Current Score: 4 - Added: 4 months ago
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