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| We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. 1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. 1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Check your oil! Please. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. No NO you really do have too many shoes. 1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz. 1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping. |    |
Joke by biglad76, in Sex and shit > Young girls - Tagged rules , women - Current Score: 191 - Added: 9 months, 9 days ago
| What's the difference between chickenpox and Ian Huntley? Well both come on your face as a child but chickenpox doesn't kill you. | |
Joke by biglad76, in Sex and shit > Paedophile - Tagged ian , huntley - Current Score: 29 - Added: 9 months, 24 days ago
| AEROPLANE BLONDE One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'. AUSSIE KISS Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. BADLY PACKED KEBAB A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia. BEER COAT The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning. BEER COMPASS The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you got there, and where you've come from. BOBFOC Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch. BREAKING THE SEAL Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night. BRITNEY SPEARS Modern Slang for 'beers', e. g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen". BRUCE LEE Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip). BUDGIE'S TONGUE The female erection. DRINK-LINK A modern term for a bank machine. Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze. ETCH-A-SKETCH Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously. FLOGGING ON Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites. GREYHOUND A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT A vigorous masturbation session. JOHNNY-NO-STARS A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training. MCSHIT Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit with Lies. MILLENNIUM DOMES The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing. MONKEY BATH A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!". MUMBLER An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i. e. you can see the 'lips moving but can't quite make out what they're saying. MYSTERY BUS The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. MYSTERY TAXI The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead. NELSON MANDELA Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager). PEARL HARBOUR Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there" (there's a nasty nip in the air) PICASSO ARSE A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks. SALAD DODGER An excellent phrase for an overweight person. STARFISH TROOPER OR ARSETRONAUT A homosexual. SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive woman. TART FUEL Bottled Alco pops, e. g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women. TITANIC A lady who goes down first time out. TODGER DODGER A lesbian. UP ON BLOCKS Menstruating i. e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks". WALLACE AND GROMIT Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'. WYNONA RYDER Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e. g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen" | |
Joke by biglad76, in Jokes with no home > Slang - Tagged slang , phrases - Current Score: 28 - Added: 5 months, 29 days ago
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