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buzz-lightyear has a score of 493 at the moment.
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The best of buzz-lightyear's 21 jokes (View All)

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought for a moment, and then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

Joke by buzz-lightyear, in Sex and shit > Marriage - Tagged marriage , wedding , groom , bride - Current Score: 172 - Added: 2 months ago

Blunt knives are pointless.

Joke by buzz-lightyear, in Jokes with no home > Corny - Tagged knives , kill , stab , blunt , weapon - Current Score: 69 - Added: 3 months ago

Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?"

Joke by buzz-lightyear, in Jokes with no home > Police - Tagged police , drinking , drunk , pulled - Current Score: 51 - Added: 2 months ago

I used to think i was trapped in a woman's body...
Then I was born

Joke by buzz-lightyear, in Sex and shit > Pregnancy - Tagged birth , pregnant , woman - Current Score: 38 - Added: 2 months ago

How come anorexia is an eating disorder?
I would have said it was a 'not eating' disorder.

Joke by buzz-lightyear, in Illness and mortality > Anorexia - Tagged slimming , eating , illness , skinny - Current Score: 22 - Added: 3 months ago

While walking down the street, a bum asks a man for $2.
"Will you buy booze?" the man asks, to which the bum replies "No."
"Will you gamble it away?" Once again the bum replies "No."
Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Joke by buzz-lightyear, in Jokes with no home > Homeless - Tagged gamble , drinking , homeless , bum - Current Score: 19 - Added: 2 months ago

3 old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replys the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".

Joke by buzz-lightyear, in Illness and mortality > Alzheimers - Tagged alzheimers - Current Score: 18 - Added: 3 months ago

What's the most confusing day for a chav?
Father's day!

Joke by buzz-lightyear, in Religion and racism > Chavs - Tagged dad , father , chav , wanker , cunt - Current Score: 16 - Added: 1 month ago

why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
they don't have any balls to scratch

Joke by buzz-lightyear, in Sex and shit > Balls - Tagged sweaty gooch - Current Score: 14 - Added: 2 months ago

An atom goes to a bar for a few drinks. On his way out, he realises he's lost something so he goes to the barman and says, "I've lost an electron!"
The barman replies, "are you sure mate?"
"Yeah, I'm positive."

Why do chemists like nitrates?
They're cheaper than day rates.

Joke by buzz-lightyear, in Jokes with no home > chemistry - Tagged chemistry is bloody fun , electron , nitrate , atom - Current Score: 14 - Added: 3 months ago