A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!" His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?" "No, I couldn't find her head."

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

I was asked to run a marathon and I said, "no chance." Then I was told it was for spastic and blind kids, so I thought, "Fuck it. I could win that!"

I was walking along a high cliff one day and saw a little boy, all alone and he was crying. I asked him, "Son, what are you doing up here all alone?" He replied, with tears in his eyes, "My mum's down there at the bottom. She fell!" "That's terrible!" I said. "And your dad?" "He's down there right next to her. He tried to save her and he fell too!" "That's awful!" I said. We shared a quiet moment there, together, looking out at the sky over that grand cliff. And then, when he asked me why I was unbuckling my belt, I told him, "Son, today just isn't your day."

A boy comes home from primary school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "You look happy, did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes mum - I had sex with my English teacher!" he replied. The mother is stunned. "Get up them stairs now and wait until your father gets home!" The dad comes home and hears the news; he's as pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad." "Well, you became a man today - this is a cause for celebration. Let's get fish and chips, then I'll buy you that bike you've been asking for." "Mint! - but can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be. The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her. "Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy." A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked. "Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting. Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her. "It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"

A guy rings his boss at work and says, "Look, I'm really sorry, but I can`t come to work today. I'm sick". "Sick!" screams his boss. "Sick! This is the tenth time this month. Just exactly how sick are you?" "Well", he replies, "I'm in bed with my nine-year-old daughter."

What's black, has eight legs and makes women scream? Gang rape.

A psychology student is conducting a survey to study the masturbatory habits of males. She approaches the first man and says, "Excuse me, sir, I'm conducting a survey and would like to know, what do you hold in your left hand while you masturbate?" To which the man replies, "A remote controller, for the DVD". She then approaches the second man, with the same question. He answers, "I've got a magazine", and she notes down his answer. She then approaches a third man and asks him what he holds while he masturbates, to which he answers, "A bar of soap". Bemused by this, she asks why. "I'm bathing the kids."

A paedophile and a small child are walking through the woods. It's a foul night; lightning spearing the sky and thunder is crashing. The child looks up at the paedo and says, "I'm scared". The paedophile says, "What the fuck are you moaning for? I've got to walk back on my own!"

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