Chris - The sorta guy that will invite himself into your home, eat your dinner, read your newspaper, smoke your pipe and then proceed to murder, rape and romance your wife, in that order.
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chris732 has a score of 1644 at the moment.
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The best of chris732's 8 jokes (View All)
| Think about it --------------------------------- I had amnesia once - or twice. Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. What if there were no hypothetical questions? One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail. A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries. What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. How can there be self-help "groups"? Is there another word for synonym? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Is it possible to be totally partial? Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? |    |
Joke by chris732, in Jokes with no home > Random - Tagged thoughts , interesting , logical , list - Current Score: 925 - Added: 3 months ago
| Scottish insults: She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan Had more hands up her than sooty! She's got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe! She's got a face that could make an onion cry. I wouldn't ride her into battle. Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege I wouldn't do her with a rusty pole Mair chins than a Chinese phone book She smells like an alkies carpet She has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician It's like shaggin a pail of water. It's like shaggin the sleeve off a wizards cloak! she's killed more cocks than a fowl butcher Fanny like a ripped out fireplace Face like a sand blasted tomato Arse like a bag of washing She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant She's seen more helmets than Hitler Face like a stuntman's knee She's got a fanny like a badly packed kebab Like opening the window and shagging the night She's seen more cockends than weekends A left her with a face like a painter's radio Fanny like a clown's pocket Fanny like a Hippo's yawn She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out I bet she's got a fanny like a pub carpet More pricks than a second hand dartboard. Face like a blind joiners thumb She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo Even the tide wouldn't take her out Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard Handled more balls than Dino Zoff Pish flaps like John Wayne's saddle bags She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout A cunt like a burst couch A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters She's had more seamen than Saltcoats She's seen more stiffs than Quincy ! She's seen more cokes than a bottle of Bacardi! Cocked more times than Elmer Fudd's shotgun | |
Joke by chris732, in Jokes with no home > Accident - Tagged scottish , insults , fat , list , ugly - Current Score: 145 - Added: 3 months ago
| Politics explained for dumb people ----------------------------------- Socialism: You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour. Communism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk. Fascism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk. Nazism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and shoots you. Bureaucratism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away.. Traditional Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. You herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. A American Corporation: You have 2 cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead. A French Corporation: You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. Japanese Corporation: You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them Worldwide. A German Corporation: You have 2 cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. A British Corporation: You have 2 cows. Both are mad. An Italian Corporation: You have 2 cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. A Russian Corporation: You have 2 cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A Swiss Corporation: You have 5000 cows. None of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them. Chinese Corporation: You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers. An Iraqi Corporation: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No one believes you and they bomb your ass. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....... Counter Culture: 'Wow, dig it, like there's these 2 cows, man, grazing in the hemp field. You gotta have some of this milk!' Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. Fatalist: You have 2 doomed cows... Hong Kong Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all 7 cows' milk back to the listed company and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the feng shui is bad. An Arkansas Corporation: You have 2 cows. That one on the left is kinda cute. An Indian Corporation: You have 2 cows. You worship them. An Australian Corporation: You have 2 cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go down the pub to celebrate. | |
Joke by chris732, in Jokes with no home > Politics - Tagged cows , politics , funny - Current Score: 126 - Added: 4 months ago
| Tell ya, hookers have a great sense of humour, there's a sign outside my local brothel that reads 'It's a business doing pleasure with you'. | |
Joke by chris732, in Sex and shit > Prostitution - Tagged prostitute , business , sign - Current Score: 91 - Added: 4 months ago
| Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green. The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad." | |
Joke by chris732, in Religion and racism > God - Tagged god , golf , jesus , moses , religion , playing - Current Score: 39 - Added: 4 months ago
| By all means marry; if you get a good wife you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher - Socrates | |
Joke by chris732, in Sex and shit > Marriage - Tagged socrates , marriage - Current Score: 20 - Added: 4 months ago
| A young Scottish lad and his lassie were sitting on a low stone wall holding hands and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently; then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . .perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. He blushed as well and then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh I was thinkin.......perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Again, like her, he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke once again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh I was thinkin...perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg." The girl blushed then took his hand and put it on her knee. Again, he too blushed and they continued to once again gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl once more spoke. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The lad knit his brow and adjusted his kilt. "Well, now," he said, "My thoughts are a bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the girl in a whisper filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the boy. The girl looked away in shyness, began to really blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?" | |
Joke by chris732, in Religion and racism > Scottish - Tagged penny , tight , scottish , wankers - Current Score: 10 - Added: 4 months ago
| "A woman drove me to drink, and I didn't even have the god dam decency to thank her for it" - W.C. Fields | |
Joke by chris732, in Jokes with no home > Accident - Tagged beer , drink , decency - Current Score: 10 - Added: 4 months ago
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