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The best of efcbluenose's 8 jokes (View All)
| A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. In fact, he is so proud of himself and his ability to impregnate that he starts referring to his wife as "Mother of Six" despite her constant objections. One night, they get a chance to leave the kids behind with a sitter and go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." |    |
Joke by efcbluenose, in Sex and shit > Babies - Tagged cheating , husband , wife , parents , adultary - Current Score: 70 - Added: 7 months, 20 days ago
| A man dies and goes straight to Hell. The devil greets him and immediately makes him face a big decision: "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever room you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll finally go to heaven after years of waiting and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room." The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped over and over again. In the second room is a man strapped to a table being subjected to Chinese water torture. Finally, in the third room is a man sitting in a chair while being pleasured by a beautiful woman. "I choose this room!" the man says. "Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder. "You can go now. I've found your replacement." | |
Joke by efcbluenose, in Religion and racism > Hell - Tagged 100 - Current Score: 66 - Added: 9 months ago
| An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast. | |
Joke by efcbluenose, in Sex and shit > Sex - Tagged old , nudity - Current Score: 65 - Added: 9 months ago
| A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no." The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?" | |
Joke by efcbluenose, in Jokes with no home > Money - Tagged lawyer , money , disabled , charity - Current Score: 60 - Added: 9 months ago
| A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 110..Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer. | |
Joke by efcbluenose, in Sex and shit > Wife - Tagged car , police , affair - Current Score: 59 - Added: 9 months ago
| A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word fascinate." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I really wanted the word fascinate." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate" so she called on him. Little Johnny said, "My sisters sweater has 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8." | |
Joke by efcbluenose, in Sex and shit > Little Johnny - Tagged little johnny , facinate - Current Score: 47 - Added: 9 months ago
| A family is eating Christmas dinner and the son asks his dad how many kinds of boobs there are. Dad says, "son, a woman goes through three phases: in her 20s, they're like melons, round and firm; in her 30s to 40s, they're like pears, still nice, but hang a bit." "After 50 their like onions?" the boy says, "Yes," dad says, "you see them and they make you cry." This angers the wife and daughter, so the girl asks, "how many types of willies are there?" Mum says, "a man goes through three phases as well: in his 20s, it's like an oak tree, mighty and hard; in his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable; after 50 it's like a Christmas tree." "Why" the girl asks Mum says, "it's dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration." | |
Joke by efcbluenose, in Sex and shit > Tits - Tagged christmas , family , boobs , willy , balls - Current Score: 17 - Added: 9 months ago
| A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment, "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied, "Pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Harry: Coconut The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? Harry: Bubblegum Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: Shake hands Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Harry: Yep. Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Harry: Tent Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. Principal was looking restless and bit tense. Harry: Wedding Ring Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Harry: Nose Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Harry: Arrow Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement? Harry: Firetruck The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself." | |
Joke by efcbluenose, in Jokes with no home > School - Tagged teacher , school - Current Score: 15 - Added: 9 months ago
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