18 years old, white, male, Australian, black metal fan, pissed off, politically incorrect, love dirty jokes (hence why I'm here).
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The best of immortalshadow666's 54 jokes (View All)
| A Moe girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the assessor. "10," replies the Moe girl. "10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?" "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne." "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Nah," says the Moe girl. "Its great, because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout, 'WAYNE, YA DINNER'S READY' or 'WAYNE, GO TO BED NOW' and they all do it." "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That's easy," says the Moe girl, "I just use their surnames." |    |
Joke by immortalshadow666, in Religion and racism > Australians - Tagged aussie , moe , wayne , surnames , 10 , kids , centrelink - Current Score: 354 - Added: 1 year, 6 months ago
| An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun. Ventriloquist: "G'day bloke! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?" Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie." Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?" Dog: "Doin' alright." The Kiwi gets a look of extreme shock on his face. Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at the Kiwi. Dog: "Yep." Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." The Kiwis expression of disbelief doesn't change. Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." The Kiwi gets even more shocked. Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" Horse: "Yep." Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Now the Kiwi has a look of total amazement on his face. Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" To which the Kiwi replied, "The sheep's a liar." | |
Joke by immortalshadow666, in Religion and racism > Kiwis - Tagged kiwi , aussie , horse , sheep , dog , ventriloquist - Current Score: 190 - Added: 1 year, 6 months ago
| Zookeeper says to Paddy, "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for 500 pounds?". Paddy replies, "I will on 3 conditions: 1st I'm not going to kiss it. 2nd my family must never know. 3rd I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!" | |
Joke by immortalshadow666, in Religion and racism > Kiwis - Tagged kiwi , black , gorilla , heat , zoo - Current Score: 178 - Added: 1 year, 6 months ago
| Three men - an Australian, a Jew, and an Abo - are crossing the road, when a bus runs them all over, killing them instantly. They appear before Saint Peter, who prepares to let them into Heaven. The three plead and beg to be allowed to go back, as they're only young and haven't led full lives. Eventually, Saint Peter relents and lets them go back to earth - on the one condition that they each pay him $500. The Aussie pays his $500 straight away, and BANG!!, he's back in the same street he had just left. Immediately, he goes into the nearest pub, and tells all of his mates his amazing story. Of course, they don't believe him. "So," asks one mate, "if all this is true, then where's the Jew and the Abo?". "Well," says the Aussie, "when I left them, the Jew had him down to $300, and the Abo was arguing that the government should pay for it". | |
Joke by immortalshadow666, in Religion and racism > Aborigines - Tagged abo , jew , aussie , heaven - Current Score: 118 - Added: 1 year, 6 months ago
| A Kiwi walks into a pub with a parrot on his shoulder. The barman says, "Bugger me, mate, that's a fancy looking thing. Where'd you get that?" The parrot replied, "Down at Centrelink mate, there's hundreds of the bastards!" | |
Joke by immortalshadow666, in Religion and racism > Kiwis - Tagged kiwi , parrot , bar , centrelink - Current Score: 93 - Added: 1 year, 6 months ago
| A policeman is patrolling when he hears a crash in the next street. He immediately runs over and sees that there has been a big car accident. The policeman scans the scene and sees the bodies of three black guys, one of them is by the side of the car with one of the wing mirrors broken off next to him, one of them has gone through the windscreen, and the other has been hit with such force that his body is lying halfway down the street. The policeman approaches the driver of the car and asks him, "What on earth happened?" The driver explains to the police officer, "Well, officer, I was driving along when all of a sudden these guys run out of nowhere. I tried to swerve to avoid them but I was too late." The policeman scans the scene a bit more and asks the driver "Is that really what happened?" The driver confesses "I'm sorry officer, no that's not quite how it happened, I was taking a call on my mobile and I was so focused on the road that I didn't see that I was drifting onto the pavement, by the time I saw I was about to hit these guys I didn't have time to swerve out the way" The policeman narrows his eyes and asks the driver, "I can't see a mobile phone anywhere... are you telling me the truth?" The driver sighs and says, "Okay, officer, I'll tell you the truth: I was driving along when I saw these black bastards, so I sped up, and ran them over before they could get out my way!" "Right," says the policeman, "I'll do that one for criminal damage, that one for breaking and entering and that one for leaving the scene of a crime." | |
Joke by immortalshadow666, in Religion and racism > Pakistani - Tagged blacks , racism , police , accident , car - Current Score: 86 - Added: 1 year, 6 months ago
| What do hockey goalies and Jewish girls have in common? They both change their pads after three periods. | |
Joke by immortalshadow666, in Sex and shit > Adultery - Tagged abo , goalies , tampons - Current Score: 84 - Added: 1 year, 6 months ago
| Did you hear about the Jewish paedophile? He comes out from behind the bushes and says "Hey little boy, want to buy some sweets?" | |
Joke by immortalshadow666, in Sex and shit > Adultery - Tagged jewish , paedophile - Current Score: 55 - Added: 1 year, 6 months ago
| A man walking through a field sees another man behind a sheep, sweating and grunting. "Hi," says the man, "you shearing?" The man with the sheep replies, "no, fuck off and get your own!" | |
Joke by immortalshadow666, in Religion and racism > Kiwis - Tagged shearing , sheep , beastiality - Current Score: 54 - Added: 1 year, 6 months ago
| Three South Africans, a black and two whites, are in jail, discussing what they're in for. The first white South African is asked what he's in for, to which he replied "Robbery, and I got two years. The judge said it was lucky it wasn't armed robbery, or I'd have got five years." The second white South African is asked next, to which he replied "Sexual assault, and I got 7 years. The judge said it was lucky it wasn't rape, or I'd have got ten years." The black South African is finally asked, to which he replied "Riding my bike without a light, and I got life. The judge said it was lucky it wasn't dark, or I'd be facing a firing squad!" | |
Joke by immortalshadow666, in Religion and racism > South African - Tagged south , african , life , jail , robbery , rape , riding , bike , firing , squad , black , white - Current Score: 46 - Added: 1 year, 6 months ago
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