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The best of jdw's 3 jokes (View All)
| A bloke goes into a pub. The barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off." he replies. "You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband." The bloke apologises and says he will never do it again. The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again. "I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off." he replies. "What???" screams the barmaid, "That's it, you're barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, GET OUT NOW!" Once again the bloke apologises, and says he will never, ever do it again. "Right. I'll give you one last chance," says the barmaid, "now, what do you want?" "I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you." The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly. "What's up, love?" says the husband. "There's this disgusting bloke downstairs! When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off." she says in a flood of tears. "What?! He's a dead man!" shouts the husband getting out of his chair. "Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers spread cottage cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off!" screams the wife. "Right, he's going to need a body bag the bastard!" shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat. "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me" she concludes. When he hears this the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair. "Aren't you going to do something?!!" shouts the wife in hysterics. "Listen love, I'm not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness..." |    |
Joke by jdw, in Jokes with no home > Pub - Tagged pub , arse , pussy , tits - Current Score: 104 - Added: 11 months ago
| There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your baldhead and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate". The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a Monks habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part". Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads..... "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour the tin of treacle over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple, you cunt." | |
Joke by jdw, in Illness and mortality > Disability - Tagged fancy dress , wooden leg , baldness , cunt , prosthetic - Current Score: 18 - Added: 11 months ago
| Ingredients 2 Laughing Eyes 2 Well shaped Legs 2 Loving Arms 2 Milk Containers 2 Nuts Fur Lined Mixing Bowl Firm Banana Method 1) Look into laughing eyes. 2) Spread well shaped legs slowly. 3) Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with finger. 4) Meanwhile ensure that loving arms are attached to firm banana. 5) Add firm banana to fur lined mixing bowl gently. Work in and out until well creamed. For best results continue to kneed milk containers. 6) As heat rises plunge banana deep into fur lined mixing bowl, cover with nuts, sigh with relief and leave to soak (preferably not overnight). 7) The cake is cooked when banana is soft. If the banana doesn't soften repeat method or change mixing bowl. 8) If in unfamiliar kitchen be sure to wash utensils carefully. Note: Do not lick mixing bowl after banana softens. If cake rises leave town as soon as possible. | |
Joke by jdw, in Sex and shit > Euphemisms - Tagged cooking , euphemism - Current Score: 8 - Added: 11 months ago
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