The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is:

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.

Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship (and, being married men, we all know THAT doesn't happen), it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour. Crazy, right?

But...

Had Paul McC [...]

The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is:

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.

Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year relationship (and, being married men, we all know THAT doesn't happen), it ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an hour. Crazy, right?

But...

Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of $41+million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around you, no bitching and complaining or "to do" lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Is it just me, or is it better to rent?

MALE COMEBACKS TO FEMALE COMEBACKS

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there considers
you a fucking slut.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you will be on your knees gobbling my
cock.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll g [...]

MALE COMEBACKS TO FEMALE COMEBACKS

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there considers
you a fucking slut.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you will be on your knees gobbling my
cock.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, 'cause after I get done fucking you in
the back of my car, I don't give a shit where you go.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: So that's how you got that little mustache.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: No problem, I can always shoot it on your back.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me, as long as you are still a little warm when I shove it in your ass.

You are driving down the road in your Corvette on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.



Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your Corvette? Think bef [...]

You are driving down the road in your Corvette on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.



Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your Corvette? Think before you continue reading.



This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.


The simple answer: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams. Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'"


HOWEVER....... The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.


You gotta love happy endings.

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results.

On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch, and asks the order [...]

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results.

On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."
"I am actually 47". This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

THE LAST TEN THINGS ANY GUY WOULD EVER SAY:
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I'm absolutely wrong, you must be right.
7. Her tits are too big.
6. Sometimes, I just want to be held.
5. That chick on "Murder She Wrote" gives me a woody.
4. Sure, I would love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall in ages. Let's go shopping so I can hold your purse.
2. Forg [...]

THE LAST TEN THINGS ANY GUY WOULD EVER SAY:
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I'm absolutely wrong, you must be right.
7. Her tits are too big.
6. Sometimes, I just want to be held.
5. That chick on "Murder She Wrote" gives me a woody.
4. Sure, I would love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall in ages. Let's go shopping so I can hold your purse.
2. Forget Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we are lost. Maybe I should pull over and ask for directions.

THE LAST TEN THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY:
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think that hairy backs are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. That T-shirt with the holes in the armpits is just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches.
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large Thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the Thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
She asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"
The coffee shop worker looked at the Thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like [...]

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large Thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the Thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
She asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"
The coffee shop worker looked at the Thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

Why God didn't get tenure
1) He had only 1 major publication
2) It was in Hebrew
3) It wasn't published in a peer reviewed journal
4) It had no bibliography or citations
5) Some doubt he wrote it himself
6) He may have created the world, but what has He done lately?
7) The scientific community has not been able to replicate the results
8) He never received permission from the ethics board to use human subjects
9) When one experiment [...]

Why God didn't get tenure
1) He had only 1 major publication
2) It was in Hebrew
3) It wasn't published in a peer reviewed journal
4) It had no bibliography or citations
5) Some doubt he wrote it himself
6) He may have created the world, but what has He done lately?
7) The scientific community has not been able to replicate the results
8) He never received permission from the ethics board to use human subjects
9) When one experiment went bad, he tried to drown all the subjects
10) He often let his son do his teaching
11) He rarely came to class and told his students to "read the book"
12) He expelled his first 2 students
13) His office hours were irregular and were sometimes held on a mountain top
14) Although there were only 10 requirements, most students failed