Anal sex: It's not for pussies.

Skimpy black dress: £60 Sparkly shoes: £80 Expensive make-up: £45 Nightclub ticket: £10 Seeing the look on her face as she wakes up in a filthy flat, covered in semen, you next to her with a massive grin on your face - priceless. There are some things money can't buy - in which case, use ROHYPNOL.

In Britain, some 50 chavs die every week from drinking too much Tesco-brand vodka. Every little helps!

Michael Owen is in a nightclub. He spots a gorgeous young lady in there, and he goes up to her, squeezes her arse and asks her if she fancies a shag. She says: "Blimey, you're a little forward, aren't you?"

Why is it that when you talk to God, it's called praying, but when God talks to you, it's called schizophrenia?

Gary Glitter has decided to return to music. This time he is to get involved with classical composing. So far he's composed one song, entitled 'Deep'. Or, more precisely, 'Deep in A Minor'.

Why was the Adobe Acrobat document arrested? It was a PDF file.

Africans finished in 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th AND 5th place in the Olympic Marathon. Seems like having to walk 10 miles a day to get water does have its advantages....

Homeless people. Do they get "knock knock" jokes?

Never have sex after 10 pints. The reason? Well, just imagine playing pool with a piece of rope.

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