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The best of lurch_555's 18 jokes (View All)
| A policewoman arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you." "Great idea," the drunk replies. "Tits!" |    |
Joke by lurch_555, in Jokes with no home > Police - Tagged police , tits - Current Score: 100 - Added: 9 months, 24 days ago
| A husband asks his wife, 'you never argue when I get mad at you. How do you always control your anger?' 'I clean the toilet.' 'How does that help?' 'I use your toothbrush.' | |
Joke by lurch_555, in Sex and shit > Wife - Tagged toilet , toothbush - Current Score: 87 - Added: 8 months, 25 days ago
| A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what you're arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "I never thought about it before, but he's probably drinking beer at the bar with his friends." | |
Joke by lurch_555, in Illness and mortality > A Man Was...... - Tagged medical students - Current Score: 84 - Added: 9 months, 2 days ago
| A man is walking along a beach, sad and depressed, when he hears a booming voice from the heavens. "DIG!" says the voice. The man looks around, a little confused. "DIG!" Booms the voice again. The man thinks what the hell and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts "OPEN!" He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a little taken aback when the voice shouts again "CASINO!" What the hell, thinks the guy, so off he walks. He enters the casino door when he hears the voice shout "ROULETTE!" He walks over to the roulette table and awaits more instructions. "16 BLACK!" the voice says So the man puts the whole chest on 16 black, the wheel is spun and it lands on 5 red. "FUCK!" shouts the voice... | |
Joke by lurch_555, in Jokes with no home > Accident - Tagged casino - Current Score: 60 - Added: 9 months, 13 days ago
| One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters. Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!" | |
Joke by lurch_555, in Jokes with no home > School - Tagged blackboard , penis - Current Score: 53 - Added: 9 months, 21 days ago
| A man went for an audition at a local club. "You' better not be a hypnotist, they're not welcome here." "No I'm not, I'm a singer, why, what's wrong with a hypnotist?" "Well we had one a couple days ago with 10 people on stage in a trance when he tripped over the microphone wire and shouted 'Shit'. We've been clearing up ever since." | |
Joke by lurch_555, in Jokes with no home > Call Centres - Tagged clubs - Current Score: 50 - Added: 9 months, 5 days ago
| A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree. This sight scares her so she runs inside her house. Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up. Sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he'll be right over. When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes. First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a dog. The lady exclaims, "What the hell is all that stuff for?" The gorilla extractor explains, "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla ass. This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla. At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away." The lady asks, "What's the shotgun for?" The man answers, "If I fall off the ladder, you shoot the dog!" | |
Joke by lurch_555, in Religion and racism > Africans - Tagged gorilla - Current Score: 40 - Added: 9 months, 5 days ago
| An old man went up to a beautiful in a bikini and said... "I want to feel your tits....I'll give you £10" "Get away from me you dirty old man" she replied. "OK let me feel your tits for £20 then" said the old guy. "NO.. get away from me.! " she said loudly. "Well what if I make it £50. will you let me feel your tits then?" There was a few moments silence as the girl thought about the £50, then she came to her senses and said again..."No get away from me." "Right...my final offer then." said the bloke, "A hundred pounds if you'll let me feel your tits" She considers this and thinks 'Well he is old...and a hundred pounds would be very handy'..... "OK, I'll let you do it for a hundred, ....but only for a minute though." she answered. She unclipped the hook at the front of her bikini and as the old guy filled his hands with her young firm breasts and began to fondle her , he started saying "OH MY GOD.....OH MY GOD...".over and over again. A little amused, the girl asked "Why do you keep saying Oh my god?" While he continued to feel her tits the old guy answered "OH MY GOD......Where am I ever going to get a hundred quid from???" | |
Joke by lurch_555, in Illness and mortality > Old people - Tagged old man , tits - Current Score: 39 - Added: 10 months ago
| An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!" | |
Joke by lurch_555, in Religion and racism > Australians - Tagged kangaroo - Current Score: 35 - Added: 9 months, 9 days ago
| During a visit to an insane asylum, a visitor asked the Director what were the criteria defining whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "One test is that we fill up a bathtub and offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the teaspoon or the teacup." "Well, no," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?" | |
Joke by lurch_555, in Illness and mortality > A Man Was...... - Tagged asylum - Current Score: 34 - Added: 9 months, 16 days ago
Custurd spent 0.66ms doing 16 queries and 0.07s processing. She's 0.36% angry.
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