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The best of poosmellsyucky's 35 jokes (View All)
| Husband and wife... BEFORE MARRIAGE: Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait! Wife - Do you want me to leave? Husband - No! Don't even think about it. Wife - Do you love me? Husband - Of course! Always have and always will! Wife - Have you ever cheated on me? Husband - No! Why are you even asking? Wife - Will you kiss me? Husband - Every chance I get! Wife - Will you hit me? Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?! Wife - Can I trust you? Husband - Yes. Wife - Darling! AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top. |    |
Joke by poosmellsyucky, in Sex and shit > Husband - Tagged marraige , sex , divorce - Current Score: 766 - Added: 5 months, 8 days ago
| A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the copper is writing up the ticket, the guy asks... "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?" "Yes" replies the cop. He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?" "No" replies the cop. "Well then," says the man, "I think you're a cunt!" | |
Joke by poosmellsyucky, in Celebrity and news events > Michael J Fox - Tagged cop , cunt - Current Score: 285 - Added: 1 year ago
| The International Council of Man Laws. 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss's car. (d) When she is using her teeth. 3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends. 4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. 7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend. 10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 11: Only in situations of mortal and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. 18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. 23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 25: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox 360 End of story. 26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. 27: It is not permissible to make eye contact when watching porn with your mates. Furthermore, this is only one of two circumstances under which it is allowed to have an erection with friends in the room, the other being when you are 'spit roasting' a woman. 28: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below: * 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?' * 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!' I hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Man Laws | |
Joke by poosmellsyucky, in Sex and shit > Men - Tagged man , laws - Current Score: 275 - Added: 5 months ago
| A blonde and a brunette are talking in the office... Blonde: I'm not feeling very well... I have a sore throat. Brunette: When I have a sore throat, I give my husband a blow job... the next day, my throat is fine. Blonde: Hmmm... interesting. The next day... Brunette: How's your throat? Blonde: Fine... your idea was great! Your husband couldn't believe it was your idea! | |
Joke by poosmellsyucky, in Sex and shit > Blow Job - Tagged husband , sorethroat , blow , job , blonde - Current Score: 213 - Added: 7 months ago
| The dog was sitting next to his owner at the movies. He was barking excitedly and wagging his tail every time the hero was on screen, and growling ferociously every time the villain appeared. The man sitting behind them, totally fascinated by what he sees, taps the owner on the shoulder and says, "excuse me, that dog is extraordinary. I've never seen anything like it before." "I'm surprised too," says the dog's owner, "he hated the book." | |
Joke by poosmellsyucky, in Jokes with no home > Dog - Tagged dog , movie - Current Score: 89 - Added: 1 year ago
| How does an Englishman know if his wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up. | |
Joke by poosmellsyucky, in Religion and racism > English - Tagged english , wife , sex , dishes - Current Score: 83 - Added: 1 year ago
| My wife bought a whole range of those anti-ageing cosmetics yesterday, then spent the entire afternoon in front of the mirror applying various creams and potions to just about every part of her body. Later that evening, she came downstairs and said to me "Be honest darling - how old do I look?" I replied, "From your skin - 18; from your hair - 25; from your figure - 20." "Gee honey, you're in a flattering mood tonight," she said. "Hang on a sec," I said, "I haven't added them up yet." | |
Joke by poosmellsyucky, in Sex and shit > Wife - Tagged wife , age , cosmetics , husband - Current Score: 70 - Added: 4 months, 21 days ago
| I was driving on the motorway last week when I noticed a sign that said "Turnoff - 500 metres". Sure enough, 500 metres later, on the side of the road was my Granny with no knickers, lifting up her dress. | |
Joke by poosmellsyucky, in Jokes with no home > Grandma - Tagged granny , knickers , turnoff - Current Score: 65 - Added: 8 months ago
| What's the worst part about being a serial rapist? Getting Corn Flakes stuck on your knob. | |
Joke by poosmellsyucky, in Sex and shit > Rape - Tagged rape , rapist , corn flakes - Current Score: 58 - Added: 10 months ago
| George devoted his entire life to the small Greek village in which he lived and, at 93 and on his death-bed, was soon to die in. He motioned to his great grandson to whisper his final words.... "Stavros", he said faintly, "You know the only bridge that leads into our tiny village? Well I designed, funded and built it, but they don't call me 'George the Bridge Builder'". "You know the town hospital? I designed and built that too, but they don't call me 'George the Hospital Builder'". "And the only church in town.... I built that too, and they don't call me 'George the Church Builder', but you get caught fucking just one goat......." | |
Joke by poosmellsyucky, in Sex and shit > Bestiality - Tagged bestiality , goat , greek - Current Score: 55 - Added: 1 year ago
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