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The best of redrobinson's 9 jokes (View All)
| Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph." Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never," said Ralph. "Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal." Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!" |    |
Joke by redrobinson, in Jokes with no home > Drinking Jokes - Tagged drunk , chickens , egg , reincarnation - Current Score: 198 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| Just seen a sign outside B&Q: "Stainless Steel Sinks". Bit obvious, I thought. | |
Joke by redrobinson, in Jokes with no home > General - Tagged b&q , stainless , steel , sinks - Current Score: 68 - Added: 11 months ago
| A woman walks into a gynecologist's office for an exam. She gets on the stirrups and the doctor says, "You have a really huge pussy. You have a really huge pussy." The woman replies, "You didn't have to say it twice." The doctor says, "I didn't." | |
Joke by redrobinson, in Sex and shit > Vagina - Tagged pussy , doctors , woman - Current Score: 34 - Added: 1 year, 2 months ago
| A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice-cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "arthritis." | |
Joke by redrobinson, in Illness and mortality > Old People - Tagged old , icecream , old people - Current Score: 31 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| A guy goes into a pub and asks for '2 whiskeys, one for me and one for my mate' The landlord says 'is your mate coming in later?' The man says 'No, he is in my pocket' and pulls out a perfect little 6" high man. 'He can't drink whiskey' says the landlord. 'Yes he can' says the guy and the tiny man drinks the glass of whiskey. 'He can't even walk' says the landlord. The guy tells the little man to walk and he walks up and down on top of the bar. He can't even talk' says the landlord. 'Yes he can' says the guy. He says to the little man 'Tell him about the time you called that witch doctor a wanker' | |
Joke by redrobinson, in Jokes with no home > Accident - Tagged pub , bar , magic - Current Score: 14 - Added: 10 months ago
| A man enters the confessional and says "Bless me father for I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's." Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's." The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits, down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes". | |
Joke by redrobinson, in Sex and shit > camping - Tagged fanny - Current Score: 12 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| There was a limo driver taking a beautiful dark haired model to the airport. Halfway there, the front tyre went flat. The model said, "I don't have time to wait for RAC. Could you change it yourself?" The driver said, "Sure." He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tyre, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you need a screwdriver?" He said "Sure, love! But, first I have to change this tyre." | |
Joke by redrobinson, in Sex and shit > General - Tagged model - Current Score: 8 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| A young Indian is spending a couple of weeks in the UK. One evening, he wanders into a pub and sits there watching the locals playing darts. After a while, he asks one of them if he would be allowed to play. The local says, "of course. Just put your name up on the board, and when it's your turn you can play the winner." He explains the rules to the Indian guest and, after a short while, Rajeeve kicks of with a double top and two triple twenties. Throughout the evening, he continues to thrash the locals at their own game. At closing time the locals present him with a worn out dart board and a set of darts which, at the end of his stay, he takes back to India. Back in his native village, Rajeeve immediately shows his friends how to play this facinating new game. After a while one of the friends runs up to him and says, "oh Rajeeve, this is a wonderful game that you have shown to us. What is it called?" "Well Sanjay", says Rajeeve, "I'm not quite sure myself, but I think it is called 'You lucky black bastard'" | |
Joke by redrobinson, in Religion and racism > Black - Tagged darts , racist , indian - Current Score: 8 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
| The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. | |
Joke by redrobinson, in Jokes with no home > One Liners - Tagged violence - Current Score: 1 - Added: 1 year, 1 month ago
Custurd spent 0.18ms doing 15 queries and 0.07s processing. She's 0.19% angry.
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