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| The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour. __________________________________________________ Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK). We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. __________________________________________________ Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) Depends how much you've been drinking. __________________________________________________ I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks (Sweden)? Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. __________________________________________________ Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) What did your last slave die of? __________________________________________________ Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA) A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Which direction is North in Australia? (USA) Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. _________________________________________________ Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) Why? Just use your fingers like we do. __________________________________________________ Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA) Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) You are a British politician, right? _________________________________________________ Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany) No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. __________________________________________________ Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. ________________________________________________ I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA) It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. __________________________________________________ I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA) Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. __________________________________________________ Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) Yes, gay night clubs. __________________________________________________ Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France) Only at Christmas. __________________________________________________ I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA) Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. __________________________________________________ Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA) Yes, but you'll have to learn it first. |    |
Joke by scottishg, in Celebrity and news events > Australian - Tagged australia , idiots , tourists - Current Score: 185 - Added: 7 months, 16 days ago
| It was April and the Aborigines in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared. After several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?' The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.' So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.' The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked. 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.' 'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked. The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aborigines in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.' | |
Joke by scottishg, in Religion and racism > Australians - Tagged aussies , abos - Current Score: 18 - Added: 2 months, 23 days ago
Custurd spent 0.25ms doing 8 queries and -0.08s processing. She's 0.57% angry.
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