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The best of smegs's 23 jokes (View All)
| **THIS ONLY WORKS WHEN YOU DOUBLE CLICK THE SICK VOTE ON THE 'HOTTEST TODAY' LIST** After the BBC highlighted the scandal of Facebook's lax security where anyone can gain access to your personal details, I've found one in Sickipedia. If you double-click the SICK VOTE button on this joke, it'll take you to the member list, passwords and other secret data..........try it **THIS ONLY WORKS WHEN YOU DOUBLE CLICK THE SICK VOTE ON THE 'HOTTEST TODAY' LIST** (and if you fall for this you are a complete fucktard. Or American.) |    |
Joke by smegs, in Celebrity and news events > Facebook - Tagged facebook , scam , identity theft - Current Score: 368 - Added: 5 months ago
| It was mealtime during a flight on a cheap-shitty budget airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. 'Hmmmmmm, what are my choices?' the man asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied. | |
Joke by Smegs, in Jokes with no home > airlines - Tagged rudeness , air hostess , budget airline - Current Score: 238 - Added: 7 months, 15 days ago
| "You can always trust America to do the right thing... "..............but only after exhausting every other alternative." (Winston Churchill) | |
Joke by smegs, in Religion and racism > Americans - Tagged churchill , americans - Current Score: 94 - Added: 1 week ago
| Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. "It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph) | |
Joke by Smegs, in Celebrity and news events > Crazy news - Tagged news , newspaper - Current Score: 70 - Added: 6 months, 30 days ago
| How To Shower Like a woman Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband looking, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah Scrunchie and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband looking once again, cover up any exposed areas. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------ How To Shower Like a Man Refill Fresh water tank and then wait 4hrs until truma heats the water again Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of enclosure or door not closed properly the whole time. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. | |
Joke by smegs, in Sex and shit > Young girls - Tagged man , women , battle of the sexes , shower , jay-video - Current Score: 58 - Added: 5 months ago
| I have two dogs and I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food? | |
Joke by Smegs, in Sex and shit > Young girls - Tagged daft cow , dogs , prank - Current Score: 53 - Added: 7 months, 14 days ago
| A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". | |
Joke by Smegs, in Celebrity and news events > Random news - Tagged news , crazy , newspaper , the times - Current Score: 46 - Added: 6 months, 30 days ago
| A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "do these turkeys get any bigger?" The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, madam, they're dead." | |
Joke by Smegs, in Illness and mortality > Old people - Tagged old bird , daft , chicken - Current Score: 45 - Added: 7 months, 15 days ago
| My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. | |
Joke by smegs, in Sex and shit > Marriage - Tagged marriage , wife , only , fools , and horses - Current Score: 40 - Added: 3 months, 13 days ago
| An elderly lady goes into the doctor......... "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop dropping my guts *all the time*. In fact, since I've been standing here I must have parped least 20 times." "Yeah? No kidding...?" says the doctor with a a tear in his eye.......................The doc says "I've got just the stuff." and gives her some pills. "Here take these for 10 days, then return for a follow up appointment." So she takes the pills and returns 10 days later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still quacking just as much! They still don't make any noise, but now they smell fucking awful!" The doctor nodded, "Great, now that we've your sinuses cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!" | |
Joke by Smegs, in Illness and mortality > Old people - Tagged farting - Current Score: 38 - Added: 7 months ago
Custurd spent 0.35ms doing 16 queries and 0s processing. She's 2.87% angry.
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